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Depression is ruining my life! - Long post, Please help

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Chelseacheese

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2015
Messages
16
Location
Bedford
Hi Everyone

My name is Chelsea and I have not long turned 21

I have Depression. It's bloody hard! This is a long post, I'm sorry but I would really love some feedback :respect:

I first starting feeling low when I was 15, myself and my parents just put it down to being a teenager, growing up, my hormones were all over the place, this is just part of growing up. If only it were that simple!

When I was 15 I got into my first serious relationship, I thought I was so in love. haha, oh dear, looking back on it I think to myself what the hell was I doing! But at the time, it's was real, it was deep and when it fell apart it hurt! While I was with him I did tell him that I was feeling a bit low, I cried, I found it hard to tell anyone how I was feeling, but I decided to put my total trust in him. When I told him, he told me to stop being so stupid and he hit me. I don't think I have told anyone that and now that I'm in a dark place (still) I think I have realised that this may have had a massive impact on how I feel today.

When it fell apart, I was heartbroken, I was experiencing those low feelings, I was told I was stupid, I was hit and then he left me. At 15 that's a lot to deal with, and obviously the break up made me feel 100000 times worse! So I hurt myself. I was on the floor crying, screaming, helpless. I then picked myself up and went into school where I sat 2 GCSE exams. Once they were finished I went up to the shop, I told mum I wouldn't be long. I brought something from the local chemist because the shop would not serve me and hurt myself. I went to my ex boyfriends house as well. I can't remember what was said, I wasn't there long and then I, just walking around the streets, I didn't know what to do or where to go and I didn't want to go home. My parents were trying to call my mobile, I picked up eventually and told them what I had done, they took me to hospital. Nothing much happened I guess! I had a mental health assessment and then I went home. We got KFC, I had a shower, went to bed and the next day I got up, went to another exam and the went to my prom! haha, crazy! I looked awful, I was borderline anorexic, my mind wasn't great, I look horrendous from crying and just trying to get through the day to be honest.

So that was that really, I was given some counselling, I hated my counsellor so I lied may way through it and within about 6 weeks or less they said I was fine and I didn't go back.

So I just had to struggle through and it has been exhausting. I went to sixth form, and things just got worse from there. The first year was the better of the 3. I made a friend from Norway, who I got on with like a house on fire and there was a boy in the year above that I really like, I had 3 friends in Biology class and every lesson we'd have such a laugh. But my low mood returned, I started skipping lesson, disappearing to the girls toilets for hours on end, just crying. The boy in the year above had a group or friends who were proper lad's lad's and they would take the mickey out of me all the time. Sometimes it was funny but a lot of the time it would make me feel really upset. So I spent 3 years at sixth form crying and skipping lessons. I left without a qualification.

After these few years of torture, it got to November 2012, I was 18 almost 19 and I decided to go to the doctor. I cried and poured my heart out and I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed fluoxetine. I told my boyfriend at the time and he took my tablets off me and said I didn't need them. He was not violent towards me. I stole my tablets back and I started taking them. I'll never forget sitting in the library on my second day of taking them, I felt like I was a bit high, it was a nice feeling. I didn't tell my parents I was on them until day 4 of taking them, it was emotional to tell them. Luckily I told them, because the following day I had a terrible rare reaction to them. I was laying on the sofa and my eyes starting rolling into the back of my head, my tongue was sticking out, I couldn't speak, I was having seizures and my arms and legs were locking in weird positions. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced!

I was taken off the fluoxetine and put on lofepramine. This was like a wonder drug, I felt like all my problems had been solved, it was amazing, I was happy.
I met my current boyfriend in December 2012 and we got together a month later. It didn't fix the issues at sixth form, I could never finish the course I was too far behind, so I left. I needed to get a job. I managed to get a temporary job in an office and I met some amazing people! I had a boyfriend (who I've been with for 2 years now) I loved him, I loved work, I love my friends! Life was really good

In October 2013 I became ill, I had horrendous abdominal pain and staying in hospital for 4 days, it was a bit of a traumatic experience. I was off work for a further 3 weeks and then they sacked me, for being off ill. I guess this is when my mental health started to go downhill again. I was in agonising pain for months and months and I'm still suffering today. I was back and forth to the doctors for both the depression and abdominal pain, I cannot tell you how much time I spent at the doctors. I was told at some point that I should not be only 1 antidepressant a day, no wonder I was feeling so low! So they raised the dosage. It didn't do much, I went through every day in physical pain and battling the depression, I had 2 temporary jobs that I didn't enjoy.

In April 2014 I got the job I am in today. A full time job, good money, good people. Being in full time employment really does help you feel better. I was slightly happier than I had been the previous few months.

End of August 2014 I started getting bad again, I dumped my boyfriend and just stopped my antidepressant completely. September 2014 was horrendous. Every day finding myself on the floor, crying, screaming, in pain, dribbling, stopping breathing, making noises and feeling pain I never thought was possible. On 13th September I took another overdose. Soon after I did it, I called my boyfriend and told him what I did. It was a cry for help. He picked me up and I was a right mess, about 30 mins after, I was in the car and we had to pull over to the middle of the road. Then again the next day things were back to normal. This always happens, I have a complete breakdown and then I just pick myself up and carry on, until the next time it hits.

So I'm always feeling crap, I don't talk to my parents, I just shut myself away in my room and just hope that this well magically go away. Christmas was horrible, I hate it cuz you're forced to be happy, same with birthdays, I turned 21 on Wednesday and I did not want my birthday at all!

New years day I left the house with no phone, money, nothing, I wanted to disappear. I was walking around for hours and my mum found me. I was in bits and we went to the hospital. I saw the mental health crisis team. I have seen them every other day and it's tough. I've seen a different person everytime. I've been told I do not have depression, it's just negative thoughts, others say I do have depression, Some people say I should stay in hospital, some people say not too. Mum says it's okay to feel like this talk to us whenever you want to about anything and in the next sentence I get told to snap out of it. Today at the hospital we talked about my relationship. He treats me so well, but he is so so so so clingy! I cant deal with it. He drive me mad, I can't stand being around him. I've felt like this for 8 months+. One person said to leave him, it's not making me or him happy, another said to stay with him, it might just be the depression making your thought process all over the place!

I was put on mirtazapine about 6 weeks ago, 15mg along with 2 lofepramine 70mg. Last week they took me off lofepramine and put me on 30mg mirtazapine. It makes me so tired. I stopped my mirtazapine 3 days ago cuz the doctor said I don't have depression when I know I do! They said today to start it up again.

So that's my depression story summed up haha. I'm so confused. Any input what be much appreciated

Chelsea :) xoxo
 
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Elle-X

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
Messages
184
Location
Lincolnshire
Hi Chelsea :) sorry to read that you've been suffering for so long. Depression is a fickle thing to overcome and there are no hard and fast rules as to how you do it. Are you able to talk to your Mum and Dad about other things or is it just your feelings that you struggle with? Your Mum probably felt really stressed the day she told you to snap out of it, it can be difficult for people seeing someone they love going through depression. Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about his clingy tendencies? Do you think he's being clingy because it is his way of showing he cares?
 
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Chelseacheese

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2015
Messages
16
Location
Bedford
Hi Elle :)

Thanks for your reply

I really struggle to talk to people how I'm feeling especially those closet to me like mum and dad and my boyfriend.

I feel so low all the time, there's nothing that really triggered the depression, I feel guilty, like there's so many people in this world with really problems and I've got depression for no reason.

Mum and Dad have told me they find it really difficult, they don't like to see me feeling so down because they love me and they are always worrying about how I am, where I am, what I'm doing etc.

My boyfriend absolutely adores me! He is so clingy, I've told him time and time and time again to back off and he has got a bit better I guess. But I just can't stand being around him most of the time. We went to Malta on holiday 6/7 months ago and I just couldn't wait to get home. Today the nurse said to me that I should end it cuz it's clearly not making me happy and it's not fair for either of us to stay in a relationship that's going nowhere. But my parents really like him too. :(
 
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bonobo

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
131
Your story sounds so similar to mine :cry:

Fucking tragic
 
C

Chelseacheese

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2015
Messages
16
Location
Bedford
tell me about it bonobo!

How are you coping now?
 
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bonobo

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
131
tell me about it bonobo!

How are you coping now?
I'm coping really badly, actually. My Dad's just about to throw me out & I'm possibly pregnant.

Hope you're ok tonight x
 
J

jeztepes

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 10, 2015
Messages
85
hi chelsea

i wish you the best
i am much older than you and a man but what you posted about your teenage first love and then ensueing years echoes in my heart

could have been me all over again

thing is my first love broke my heart took me 15 years to really get over it , but nearly 40 years later we are still best friends , i have seen her go through 3 marriages and am godfather to her 4 kids , we are now middle aged old gits and like brother and sister ,,

i also screwed up my exams and had terrible tantrums with my parents ,today my dad is 79 im 52 and we are best mates , my mum and me battled each others egos for 50 years but called it draw , I loved her even when she drove me over the edge into depression she is dead now but i still miss her ....sometimes

as for boyfriend ,, i know thsi is tough but i ahve been in some relationships that did not make me happy but kept it up to make others happy and in the end it did nobody any good ,,

at present you are not happy and your boyfriend is not getting the real you or the best of you ,, so maybe breaking it will be better for him also in the long run ,, sure it will be painful and also your parents will be purplexed , they sound like lovely people trying to do their best ,, but they are only human , so are you ,, they will understand in time..

relax , and give yourself a break
so keep fighting girl ,, this forum is great
 
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Elle-X

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
Messages
184
Location
Lincolnshire
Hi Chelsea :) Have you thought about writing your feelings down? You may be able to say what you're truly feeling to your Mum, Dad and boyfriend if you do it that way.

I can sympathise with the guilt side of things: you read stories about people with physical ailments and trick yourself into thinking that depression is minor in comparison. But it's not: it can be so, so debilitating.

Have you thought about having a break from your boyfriend? You wouldn't need to cut him out completely but have a week or two where you didn't see him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and it may help you to understand whether you really love him or whether you're better off apart.
 
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