Depression is destroying me

[jackshepard]

Hi.
I passed a really bad 2008 year. I hope I'll be OK by 2009 because I'm getting more and more depressed.
I've been seeing psychologists for the past 5 years with no results, and now I'm seeing a psychiatrist because I can't keep on living like this.
First, it finally struck my mind that my mom was really crazy (and that it wasn't my dad and her neighbours who told this for hurting her), when the cops told me that one day I lost it and went to her house to beat her, I was even thinking about killing her with a knife. She already killed my dog by making it become obese on my last year in high school, and now my cat's volume tripled from march to early september when I came to take my things back. She destroyed my mind for years acting like if I was a 5 years-old child, she even gave me food in the mouth 'til the end of junior high school.
Hopefully, I found happiness while watching funny TV shows like Friends, Scrubs, Malcolm in the middle, The Simpsons, etc. But since last month, even these depress me even more when I see Malcolm's and the Simpsons' crazy but happy families; love relationships in Friends & in Scrubs, because I feel like I will never live things like this. I'm 20 and I've never been with a girl (I finally began to do something and asked a friend of mine out, but I wonder if I dared because I knew she'll say "No"), even Katy Perry's song makes me feel bad because I never kissed a girl. I spent the last year between college, my computers and my TV because when I don't make funny things I get very depressed, so I can't even work on my own. I even started to cry in my genetics class because the teacher keeps on reminding us that "There's half from our father's and half from our mother's DNA in each of the billion cells compounding our body", skipped the next 3 hours to come back for our tutorials drugged with antidepressants.
I'd prefer being in college than in week ends/holiday because I spend all the day watching TV and eating junk food.
Plus, I feel like I'm a disabled because I never knew how to ride a bike, I'm always feeling lke everyone's making fun of me and I've been making bad humor since the middle of high school whan my dad spent 2 years in a psychiatrist hospital for deep depression issues.
Hopefully, I did not thought of killing myself for weeks, and my every night depression is not focalised on my mother's madness anymore, but on the fact of being alone.
But as time goes, I feel more and more like if it will last forever.

 

[scooby1001]

You have got to hang in there. We have all been in similar situations and the best thing you can do is go and see you doctor and explain how you are feeling. All the best.

 

[Apotheosis]

Welcome to the Forum Jack

 

[blackdog]

Hi, Jack and

 

[KP1]

Hi Jack it sounds like you need some support and help for you. It must have been difficult growing up with parents who have mental health problems. Maybe your college has a counsellor you could go to. I don't kn ow if you are from the Uk your GP is a good person to start with.
KP

 

[jackshepard]

Hi.
I went back to the psychiatrist on wednesday. She prescribed me Prozac, but when I came back home I received my saving account receipt and saw my mom gave me €5400, I felt more and more depressed because she did that for the past 3 years: she gives me all the money she "saved" not paying her bills for all the year. Her ISP cut the phone line and I'm realising she's gonna lose the house if she doesn't check in a psychiatric hospital quickly.
I felt a little better spending some time with a girl I know for the past month. The thought of being out with her some day kept me from drinking the acetone bottle which is under my sink on tuesday.
Yesterday on MSN, I tried to ask her to spend some time with me on this weekend. She said she had things to do. So, I insisted and I finally told her what I felt for her on an ironical way (there's a girl I really like, I feel good whenever I spend time with her, etc). It looked like she had understood what I meant because she told me she was OK for sunday after that. It made me excited from yesterday to this afternoon.
Now, I don't know if it's because I didn't got my Prozac for today, but I'm scared she didn't understood what I meant and that she just wants to spend time with me as just a friend.
I hope I'll find an answer tomorrow because I am really worried right now.
@KP1: I'm not English, I'm French. I went to the college counselor for over a year but I didn't felt better at all. She told me a psychiatrist could help me waaaay more than her.

 

[Twylight]

Hello and Welcome

 

[jamesdean]

You are not alone this year has been the second worse in my life the first being 1990 how can I say n know this? because I know how much negative I have had to deal with I've almost gone through a second breakdown if in fact I havent actually gone through one n not even known I was on my hands n knees the other day in tears thinking how can this be?

 

[jackshepard]

Hi.
I feel really bad right now. The girl with who I had a date today understood what I meant and we talked for 2 hours yesterday. The problem is she's the only person out of me who thinks a relationship between us could be difficult because of my friend. Now, I'm hesitating between my 1st relationship with a girl, and friendship. Plus, I can't tell if my friend is really OK with me dating his ex-GF.
But we agreed on delaying our date on the 1st day of the Xmas holidays so that we could see each other easier if something really starts between us.

I think this is important for me because my psychologists and the boarding school headmasters think that my mother takes the place of a girl in my mind, and it's true that I feel a big piece of me is missing since I stopped all relation with her. I don't know why but as I feel worse and worse, I feel something good is coming for me and I think finding my 1st girlfriend could maybe stop my depression.

The real big thing is that I feel like if my life was an used videotape. The image (my real age) and sound (my mental age) are not synchronized, but someone pressed the fast-forward button on the remote and now it's better synchronized but the tape might be torn. A few months ago, I felt like if I was 12, and now I'm feeling like I'm 16-18 years old.

 

[eternaljourney]

Hi Jack,

Sometimes feeling like different ages is our mind taking us back to deal with past problems.
Your based in France, does that mean you've seen only french therapists?
I don't know what the psychiatric system works like in France but it could be the way forward for you.
It must be difficult to express such deep emotions in a different language on here, your brave Jack.
No-one gets relationships right to start with, other than talking problems over with someone actually having a relationship is the only way to learn.
You mentioned wanting to hurt your mum, it sounds like you have lot's of anger to deal with too. This kind of anger really isn't good in a relationship.
I hope things get better for you.

Eternal X

 

[jackshepard]

@eternaljourney: I always been good in english, so that's not a problem for me. For the fact of feeling like different ages,it's not really that. In fact, I always felt like my mind was locked at the age of 10-11 years-old. About the problems with my mom, my psychiatrist says I only blame her for making me born. Since I left her, I feel my mind "unlocked" and tries to go directly to my real age (20). The best proof my mind unlocked is that I finally began to understand something in maths (never happened to me since junior high school).
I feel like I'm done with her, and that I'm ready to replace her with a relationship with a girl who would love me and that I would love back.

 

[eternaljourney]

You sound a bit more positive today, good for you.

Eternal x

 

[jackshepard]

Yeah, I feel better with the meds the therapeutist gave me.
Prozac only moves away the motivation for realising my suicidal/death thoughts, but they're still there. Calming pills (Temesta) completely removes them. I don't know what it was but I nearly fainted on sunday after realising I wouldn't have the date I was waiting for. I felt hot so I drank at least 2 L of cold water and opened the windows wide (it was 2°C outside), and I couldn't breath. A Temesta kept me from actually fainting.
But feeling better with meds really scares me: the last time I saw her, the college counselor told me I would maybe need a medical treatment in order to have a normal social life. It only reminds me how I much I don't feel normal and adds a reason for killing myself, what I would have maybe done this week without the meds.
So, I don't really know how to feel...

 

[eternaljourney]

Lots of people need regular medication to live life. If you had a physical illness and taking medication helped you to live a better life you'd probably take it!?

We're all different, it would be a strange world if we were all the same.

Try and keep talking when you feel so bad that you don't want to be here, easier said than done but better for you.

Eternal X

 

[jackshepard]

I wonder if the "faintings" are not side effects from the meds because it happened again in class today. I am also shaking sometimes since I started the treatment.
On thursday, I thought it was the adrenaline rush when I asked my friend out, but I found it strange when it continued all the day after. It happened again today in class while feeling bad. I'll try to call the therapeutist tomorrow to ask her about it.