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Depression has turned me into a monster

M

MMMHHH

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Joined
Oct 30, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Nottingham
I don’t even recognize who I am anymore.

I’ve lost everything that made me me and I’ve turned into this emotional leech that drains others just so I can feel something.

I’m now facing a criminal charge for stalking because I couldn’t leave my ex alone, not because of love, although I do care for her, but because I was terrified of myself and the voices in my head telling me I’m not good enough etc. I guess I was papering over the cracks but her love helped stop those voices and make me feel okay.

Now she hates me and wants nothing to do with me, her friends think I’m a creep and a weirdo, I think I’m a creep and a weirdo, and on top of that I might even end up in jail.

And to make things worse I was released on bail with the condition of not contacting her. I sent her a suicide note today.

I don’t know why I bothered because she thinks I’m manipulative and will probably think this is just another manipulation tactic.

It’s not though, I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried talking to me parents but all I get is “I understand what you’re going through, heartbreak is tough.” Heartbreak? You obviously don’t understand what I’m going through because heartbreak is the last thing on my mind at the moment.
 
T

treasurebox

Well-known member
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Aug 14, 2018
Messages
481
Location
Philippines
Calm yourself. Listen to good, encouraging, and uplifting songs on youtube. It will help you think and feel better. Listen to songs several times a day or as needed. Also do what youblove to do or are good at. It will shift your thoughts to positivity.
 
M

ManDss

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Apr 22, 2018
Messages
835
Location
Argentina
Hi, so sorry to hear this. Now u touch bottom, is a good momment to start putting the things together. Hope u dont end in jail
 
R

Rex Smith

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Aug 30, 2020
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491
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Nowhere
You just broke the condition of bail. If she contacts the court then your bail will get revoked. Do you want to go to jail, not sure about the laws where you live but here you can surrender yourself while under bail.

I had a stalker when I was young that came through my window when I was sleeping and raped me. Not sure what kind of creep and weirdo you think you are, but don't bother her anymore. Go see a psych and get therapy.
 
M

MMMHHH

New member
Joined
Oct 30, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Nottingham
Calm yourself. Listen to good, encouraging, and uplifting songs on youtube. It will help you think and feel better. Listen to songs several times a day or as needed. Also do what youblove to do or are good at. It will shift your thoughts to positivity.
The problem is I don’t even know what I love anymore. And as for things I’m good at, I’ve never been particularly good at anything.

It’s just so out of character for me. I genuinely don’t recognize myself anymore. I used to be confident, funny, laidback, secure, the life of the party.

Now I’m plagued by insecurities, I’ve lost my sense of humor, I’m uptight, I’m desperate, and I’m withdrawn.

I’ve never been someone that had a problem with moving on, but now there’s this new me that I hate.

You just broke the condition of bail. If she contacts the court then your bail will get revoked. Do you want to go to jail, not sure about the laws where you live but here you can surrender yourself while under bail.

I had a stalker when I was young that came through my window when I was sleeping and raped me. Not sure what kind of creep and weirdo you think you are, but don't bother her anymore. Go see a psych and get therapy.
Funny thing is, I think I might. On self-reflection I realized that I’m actually an extremely self-destructive person. I have this subconscious urge to make good situations bad and bad situations worse.

I don’t know for sure why I do this, but I think it’s because if I ruin everything there’ll be no reason to keep on living. The only reason I’m still here today is because I’d tell myself “in the future things will be better”, but if I end up in jail and ruin my future, there’s no need to continue this journey.

I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s horrible. No, I have never climbed through anybody’s window nor would I ever rape or harm anybody in any way. I called her a lot of times in one day and waited outside her place one day before she went to work to try and talk to her. This was on two separate days.

When I say a monster, I mean an emotional monster. I take all of this love from people that I know I’m incapable of giving back and it breaks their hearts. I know I shouldn’t be in relationships because of this, but when I’m not I just start to drown mentally. It’s selfish, I know.
 
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