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depression has taken over my whole life Trigger warning

cryinglightning

cryinglightning

New member
Joined
Oct 23, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Dublin
hello, well probably like most people on this everything I'm going through I feel stems from my childhood, from my ma suffering with "nerves" and she beat me and me sister everyday multiple times for doing absolutely nothing, but it was the mental torture that I know makes me the way I am today amongst other horrible things that has happened through out my life, me ma would make me and me sister stand a wall for hours and made us keep looking different ways and she would be checking our eyes, we would be exhausted and if we looked down the wrong way, we got hit, I've started to forget the violence but my sister reminded me that she used to drag us along the floor by our hair kicking and punching us, me scumbag bastard of an oulfella molested me, and i know in my heart if me ma had have known she woulda beat the shit outta me and stayed with him, It's sick to know that . I cant go into everything but it was an awful childhood, I remember when i was 7 trying to hurt myself really badly cause i just wanted to die, but when i got to about 13 i stood up for myself and she couldnt hit me anymore, i love me ma to bits now, she has changed with me help, i'm her full time carer now but she still repeats things and wont stop even if i'm screaming crying or shouting, but i would feel too guilty putting her into a home, ok, so 8 years ago i fell in love with the funniest, most caring fella ever, i have had a long relationship before but he was different, 2 years later i found him dead on my sofa, now this is where my life has never been the same, for the first 3 years straight i cried, suicide attempts, you would think it wasn't possible but i cried non stop, fourth year less crying but still grieving, then the grieving kind of subsided and now it has manifested into the deepest of depression, I used to always go out with me mates, have a bit of laugh, I have not had one happy day in 6 years and four months, every morning that i wake up i cry cause i've to go through another day of hell, and looking after me mam sucks the energy out of me, so for the first time in years i did something about it, I always wanted to drive so I couldn't believe it but i got there, got myself a mini, i only had the car less than 2 months and i got into a crash,( it was terrifying) I already was diagnosed with ptsd after my partner died, so the crash shook me up so bad, but there was worse to come, when bad things happen me I hide from everyone, i turn me phone off, cause I don't leave my home,the day i had bought the car, which i bought out of haste, you don't think straight when you're not mentally well, i had put a status up on fb saying i think I've bought the wrong car, couldn't get insured, it was over 15 years old and it was a mini cooper sport, so i posted i was so worried, next day i get a call from an independent broker and he came to my home, he had I.D, looked the part and had everything, forms all the stuff i needed to see on his laptop, he was so nice and i even told him about me depression and why i bought the car so hastily, i just wanted to get outta me house and discover life again, that bastard hugged me and said he suffers with depression too, i didn't have money on my card but i did have money saved from a grant u get for being a carer, I handed him 1400 euro, all i had left, btw, please dunnot think I'm on here looking for money, jesus, no, I'm just trying to tell u why my depression has got so bad atm, stupid me has just found out he was a conman, (ghost broker) never heard of it until someone said brokers dont come to your home, I wasn't covered, he scammed me, it has me so worried, my anxiety has come back and my depression is through the roof, me phones off all the time cause i dont want calls from insuracne companies i wish i could cope with problems other people find easy to deal with, it has been on me mind non stop and me ma's memory along with her getting me to repeat tings has just drained the life outta me, please someone help me, i feel so lost, i have friends, but it doesn't help talking to them, i know i'm never going to be happy, i feel like i'm cursed, i know i'm not its just cause i cant cope when things go wrong, i hope someone reads this, inside i'm screaming out for help, i see me friends enjoying their lives, have kids, cars etc, i feel like no matter what i do it goes wrong, sorry its a big essay, i just needed to explain everything, if u do read this to the end, thank you very much
 
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J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,968
Location
Florida
Hi cryinglighning You have been through so much. I am so very very sorry you had to go through yourchildhood that way and then the death of your partner.

You need to have some good days for yourself. Buying the car sounds like a dream you had and dreams are not mistakes.

What is your next dream? What do you want to change in your life?

I know you are taking care of your ma right now. But keep on having dreams and hope for better days ahead.

I am glad you joined the forum. I think you will find it helpful and you are not alone. My mental illness has really been horrific. Outright awful from multiple traumas. Now I am reading everyday about the refugees in Syria, Lebanon and Turkey so I feel like I am not alone in my suffering. Reaching out on the forum is good. Lots of Hugs and Love Jules
 
cryinglightning

cryinglightning

New member
Joined
Oct 23, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Dublin
Hi cryinglighning You have been through so much. I am so very very sorry you had to go through yourchildhood that way and then the death of your partner.

You need to have some good days for yourself. Buying the car sounds like a dream you had and dreams are not mistakes.

What is your next dream? What do you want to change in your life?

I know you are taking care of your ma right now. But keep on having dreams and hope for better days ahead.

I am glad you joined the forum. I think you will find it helpful and you are not alone. My mental illness has really been horrific. Outright awful from multiple traumas. Now I am reading everyday about the refugees in Syria, Lebanon and Turkey so I feel like I am not alone in my suffering. Reaching out on the forum is good. Lots of Hugs and Love Jules
Hello Jules, thank you so much for reading my story and being so kind to reply, and like you I am so sorry for the traumas you went through, they must have been awful to make you come onto a site like this to share that you've got mental health problems just like me, there's fuckall help in Dublin, I live in Ireland, to see a shrink or counsellour takes nearly a year because of course i'm not rich I've seen all the ads on the TV about those poor people, if you dont mind me asking because of you mentioning Syria etc, have you come from similar circumstances and if so i am so so sorry, it looks absolutely terrifying and heartbreaking, Jules thank you so much for replying to me, you seem like a really caring person as you were the only one on here to reach out, but I am going to start driving again when I get all this insurance mess sorted out, well hopefully anyway, sending you big hugs and lots of love my friend xxx
 
hicks

hicks

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
1,709
Location
A galaxy, far far away..
Sorry to hear your sad story, you've been through a hell of a lot. Particularly the abuse you got from your parents. Nobody should have to suffer that.
Is there any close friend you could maybe talk to about this? Do they know your background? It helps to talk things over.
 
cryinglightning

cryinglightning

New member
Joined
Oct 23, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Dublin
heya hicks, i do have loads of friends but talking to them doesn't help me, talking never helped me, always feel the same, i have one particular friend who is so selfless and would do anything for me and me her so we've become really close lately, and she does console me, btw thank you so much for the reply, it's very kind of ye, oh and yeah all my friends know my background, i tink every fucker knows about what me da did to me, I wanted every person where i lived to know what a scumbag he was, he died of cancer all on his own, ye reap what your sow, how are you, how come you're on this, obviously you have some form of mental unrest, i hope you're doing ok and thank u again
 
hicks

hicks

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
1,709
Location
A galaxy, far far away..
No problem. I worked for a while in Ireland. A place called Bray, just south of Dublin. Ireland is magically beautiful, I managed to visit all parts of the country. I absolutely loved the time I spent there.

My problems are insignificant compared to some people on here, and stories such as yourself make me realise what a hard life people had, and continue to have. My hat's off to you for your supreme resilience in the face of everything that happened to you. Truly awesome, and most people would have buckled under that lot.

For what it's worth, I suffer from, and always have suffered from social anxiety, and a crushing sense of self-consciousness. I do believe I'm on the autistic spectrum. That's not the reason I joined the forum though. I came here to try and find help and advice for my daughter, who has chronic OCD, ASD, and anxiety. It's really life affecting. I want to try and support her best I can. It's an ongoing journey of managing the condition and allowing her to hopefully one day be able to have an independent life.
 
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