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Depression Diagnosis has ruined my life forever. I dont want to live anymore.

A

Albawolf

Guest
Hello everybody

I thought having a depression diagnosis would make my life easier because it explain why feel the way i do and give me the help ineeded. All the diagnosis has brought nothing but confusion and exclusion. I was diangosed in january this year

I am not normal enough but not crazy enough. It felt i like never belonged but since my diagnosis i feel more of an outsider.

I dont know what to do anymore. Is this a normal experience of depression.

Last year When i turned 21 on day of my birthday i felt like my entire life was a failure. I lived all these years and i have nothing to show for it .I was failing my uni course, i never had a job or a boyfriend.

Months after my birthday these feelings of being failure just dragged on and on.

In Jul- Aug I did a summer placemet at the citizens advice. In the UK citzens advice is a charity that gives advice to people facing difficulties like debt, welfare issues etc .The placement did not go well. I was struggling to help the people and i just was not confident in talking in to people .
Normally i am a confident person .
At end of the placmenet i began to feel like a stupid little girl in world full of adults

I was offerd a job to help a church youth group but turned it down. I am believe in god but find religious places boring and often feel out of place in church youth groups. The pastor was woman but so strict. Il

When i returned to uni i became a recluse . I was not my bubbly self anymore.

I talked to people nobody wanted to listen. Everyone kept saying i was young but didnf feel that way.


In October -december I decided to kill myself after my birthday so i wont have to deal with growing up. During this time infelt like life was not for me.
I couldnt see myself with a future.

I was sucidal for days to weeks then my sucidial thoughts would just go.
I self harmed again. I self harmed in my teens

I thought having a depression diagnosis would make my life easier.
I would be helped. Nobody felt the way i did which made me believe i was not normal.

Months after jan my sucidal thoughts went away so i believed i was better.

I still felt like my life was a failure .

In july i was dreading my gradaution i felt like i did not deserve it. I could not be happy. Days after my gradaution i became sucidal.

When told my friend in my law class about my diagnois she dismissed it. She blamed me for being a feminist for being depressed. She discouraged me from seeing a therapist. She says people in africa dont have depression. She stopped taking to me after my exams seriously. Despite knowing how i was feeling.

I told my uni law lecturer i wanted to kill myself she said if i was serious i would have done it already.

I wanted to drive then a saw a dvla warning online which is you must tell the dvla you suffer depression or be fined £1,000 if you cause an accident
That was the final straw really.

When i am not sucidal i am still functional but i dont want to exist anymore. I feel like i am never going to be happy again.

Most days i would be normal but then go back to being a sucidal.
I have gotten better at ignoring the sucidal thoughts.

I want to die before i reach 30. I still want to die young.

I told the doctors i was fine and no longer sucidal because i did not want to deal with stigma and discrimination anymore.
Stigma from other people.

I feel too normal most days whichmade me doubt having depression.

I cant deal with the confusion anymore.

Sorry
Albawolf
 
wollie

wollie

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2019
Messages
3,024
Location
warwick
Hi Ambarwolf
Some people can be right you are only young and have a life in front of you, if you have not been to a professional I would urge you to ASAP, I have suffered depression for 11 years now and apart from 1 attempt at suicide I have a 50-50 life half bad half good, so I would say 30 is nothing you have a long life to live yet, and though you have had dissapointments in the past you have 60 years or moore to live a fullfilling life.

All the best woolie.
 
J

Jabbaj

Member
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
I’m sorry you feel this way about yourself. You must know that your not the only one out there. I too have a hard time. You’re actually older than me as I’m 20.

I know what it’s like in the UK as I’m English. people are cold and distant and it’s hard to find meaning in it all. Do you work? Sometimes if you work too much or little it takes away a lot from you.
I hope your okay
 
L

Loulou74

New member
Joined
Dec 13, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Penrith
I’m sorry you feel this way about yourself. You must know that your not the only one out there. I too have a hard time. You’re actually older than me as I’m 20.

I know what it’s like in the UK as I’m English. people are cold and distant and it’s hard to find meaning in it all. Do you work? Sometimes if you work too much or little it takes away a lot from you.
I hope your okay
[/QUOTE
 
A

Albawolf

Guest
I’m sorry you feel this way about yourself. You must know that your not the only one out there. I too have a hard time. You’re actually older than me as I’m 20.

I know what it’s like in the UK as I’m English. people are cold and distant and it’s hard to find meaning in it all. Do you work? Sometimes if you work too much or little it takes away a lot from you.
I hope your okay
No I don't work . I can't even get a retail job .
I never worked at 22.
I am unemployable
I have nothing to live for no job to go, no boyfriend and family don't really listen.
Most of the time I feel too normal but then I don't want to exist anymore.
I am not depressed but I feel like I am never going be happy
 
C

Chudz

New member
Joined
Dec 14, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Philippines
im sorry for how you feel.. 😭😭 it really feels bad to feel like you're good for nothing because only bad things happen... I feel the same way as you, though i have work and i have a bf... But i don't have a family, i had one but things are just too complicated .. I'm feeling lonely , depressed, unworthy and i lack a lot of confidence because of my exprience with my family .. I don' t know how to comfort you. I cant even comfort myself,,, im sorry..... Lets hope for the best... 😭😭😭😭
 
J

Jabbaj

Member
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
I feel the exact same way. You need to know that you are not alone in that
 
M

Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
774
Location
South America
@Albawolf I have had a depression for many many years, it is difficult. When I read your posts I see myself reflected on them. You are unemployed and you think you are a failure and you think you are completely unemployable. Those are the same feelings i am experiencing. Well you have to struggle to get a job. I had terrible job experiences and I am unemployed since may. Yesterday I had a job interview at an oil and gas company. The interview was with the legal manager. At the beginning he told me he was impressed wih the resume specially with my job experience in Usa. After a long conversation and when I thought I was the perfect candidate, he told me very politely that my contract and corporate experience was great but I did not fit in the position because i did not have labor law experience. I left the place kind of dissapointed but I thought "well at least someone calls me, so my resume is not as crappy as I think".

Albawolf, being unemployed and struggling to get a job is HEll. That is the root of your depression. It is the same thing I am experiencing. The only way to get out of that ditch is to continue sending resumes and trying to do your best. I am very depressed because I have too much time to think. Maybe what I will do is enroll at the alliance francaise. I studied french for a while and would likd to polish it. Look for something to do while you look for a job.
 
J

Jabbaj

Member
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
@Albawolf I have had a depression for many many years, it is difficult. When I read your posts I see myself reflected on them. You are unemployed and you think you are a failure and you think you are completely unemployable. Those are the same feelings i am experiencing. Well you have to struggle to get a job. I had terrible job experiences and I am unemployed since may. Yesterday I had a job interview at an oil and gas company. The interview was with the legal manager. At the beginning he told me he was impressed wih the resume specially with my job experience in Usa. After a long conversation and when I thought I was the perfect candidate, he told me very politely that my contract and corporate experience was great but I did not fit in the position because i did not have labor law experience. I left the place kind of dissapointed but I thought "well at least someone calls me, so my resume is not as crappy as I think".

Albawolf, being unemployed and struggling to get a job is HEll. That is the root of your depression. It is the same thing I am experiencing. The only way to get out of that ditch is to continue sending resumes and trying to do your best. I am very depressed because I have too much time to think. Maybe what I will do is enroll at the alliance francaise. I studied french for a while and would likd to polish it. Look for something to do while you look for a job.
Your right about that. I was at my worse when I was unemployed. I still have my days but generally I’m better than I was then. When your unemployed you having nothing to do and so you develop even more negative thoughts.
I hope you get working again soon
 
M

Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
774
Location
South America
@Jabbaj thanks do much. I urgently need a job, more than for money , its for mental health reasons I spenf the days alone feeling that I am falling through a cliff. I start having catastrophic thoughts about my health, my future and I develope panic attacks. My job interview yesterday was nice although i feel they will not call me again. When i returned home i felt re energized only by the fact of having talked to someone in a corporate setting.
 
J

Jabbaj

Member
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
@Jabbaj thanks do much. I urgently need a job, more than for money , its for mental health reasons I spenf the days alone feeling that I am falling through a cliff. I start having catastrophic thoughts about my health, my future and I develope panic attacks. My job interview yesterday was nice although i feel they will not call me again. When i returned home i felt re energized only by the fact of having talked to someone in a corporate setting.
that is exactly how I felt whilst being unemployed, it takes a lot from you. It’s hard to find work now. My grandparents always told me that in their day they could be fired on a Friday and basically back at work on a Monday.
 
M

Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
774
Location
South America
@Jabbaj our grand parents lived in another world. I think it was a much nicer and human world. Today we face not only lack of jobs but we also live in a tremendously competitive society. You have to be near perfect, have all this soft skills, proactive, innovative , a leader, blah blah blah. You cant imagine how I hate those words. They make me sick!!!!
 
A

Albawolf

Guest
@Albawolf I have had a depression for many many years, it is difficult. When I read your posts I see myself reflected on them. You are unemployed and you think you are a failure and you think you are completely unemployable. Those are the same feelings i am experiencing. Well you have to struggle to get a job. I had terrible job experiences and I am unemployed since may. Yesterday I had a job interview at an oil and gas company. The interview was with the legal manager. At the beginning he told me he was impressed wih the resume specially with my job experience in Usa. After a long conversation and when I thought I was the perfect candidate, he told me very politely that my contract and corporate experience was great but I did not fit in the position because i did not have labor law experience. I left the place kind of dissapointed but I thought "well at least someone calls me, so my resume is not as crappy as I think".

Albawolf, being unemployed and struggling to get a job is HEll. That is the root of your depression. It is the same thing I am experiencing. The only way to get out of that ditch is to continue sending resumes and trying to do your best. I am very depressed because I have too much time to think. Maybe what I will do is enroll at the alliance francaise. I studied french for a while and would likd to polish it. Look for something to do while you look for a job.
I just feel like i am going nowhere in life. I have no idea what i want to do with my life it absolutely terrifies me.
If i had job today i would still feel this way because i just feel like a like a failure.
After my 21st brithday i just feel my life is failure.
My days are mixture of feeling like a failure and not wanting to exist anymore. Most days i will be normal
I dont see myself as having depression.
I feel like the diagnosis does not suit me.
I am very functional
 
M

Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
774
Location
South America
@Albawolf people with depression are functional, if you say you feel well and the depression diagnosis does not suits you, mabe you are not depressed
I am not a doctor but I perceive a lot of anxiety in your posts.

I am also scared of life and I dont know what to do. I feel I exist in pain, that feeling has been with me for years and i have learned to live with it.

I know what you are going through. I have felt it and I still feel it, but you have to find something to mitigate that feeling.
 
A

Albawolf

Guest
@Albawolf people with depression are functional, if you say you feel well and the depression diagnosis does not suits you, mabe you are not depressed
I am not a doctor but I perceive a lot of anxiety in your posts.

I am also scared of life and I dont know what to do. I feel I exist in pain, that feeling has been with me for years and i have learned to live with it.

I know what you are going through. I have felt it and I still feel it, but you have to find something to mitigate that feeling.
Thank you so much its good to know someone gets how i feeling.
I hope you get a job .Employers will be lucky to have you.

I have recurrent sucidial thoughts which is why i got diagnosed with depression

When i am not sucidal i feel normal again.
Majoirty of the time i dont to want to exist anymore and i feel like i will never be happy again.

I have no one to talk to .
My family dont listen . They never. If its too difficult they dont want to hear it
My 2 close friends i dont want burden them.
 
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