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Depression caused marriage breakdown

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emmylou1903

New member
Joined
Oct 2, 2009
Messages
1
Hi, I am new here, was hoping for some help and advice about my situation

I have been in a relationship for 13 years. Around 2 1/2 years ago i started to get mood swings, irrational and generally feeling down. Other people noticed it but i didnt. My relationship suffered as a result, I pushed my husband away, lost interest in sex and used to run him down as a way of coping with how i was feeling. I went to the doctor last August when i experienced suicidal thoughts, felt like i could not longer carry on. I was diagnosed with reactive depression, and was put on Citalopram 20mg to begin with and after a few weeks the black cloud started to lift. Then i got pneumonia and had another long spell off work. Since then my health hasnt been great, it feels like every cough and cold going come to me!

I was also doing a job that was very pressured and i hated which put further pressure on our relationship.

During this time my relationship deteriorated still further, to a point where i thought we would be better off apart. I told him i didnt love him anymore, and said some really nasty things. I was still on my anti-depressants and thought i was in control and it was what i really wanted.

We have two children together, we talked through things, drew up a separation agreement and he moved out in June.

To begin with it felt like a relief, i could breathe again. But quickly within a couple of days of him leaving i had the most terrible pain i have ever felt and realised i had just made the biggest mistake of my life.

He has got on with his life over the last couple of months, he seems happier (probably because he doesnt have to put up with me), but now his friends are saying that he should have moved out ages ago and it was the best thing he could have done. The kids are gradually coming to terms with things but i feel like my world has ended.

I said and did so much to hurt him over the 18 months prior to us splitting up, i didnt mean any of it and i know that now but the damage has been done. My depression has come back with a vengeance and i have been signed off work again. I spend all my time crying, i hate myself so much for letting my depression and my reactions to situations ruin my marriage.

I love him so much and i couldnt see that until now. Some time apart has made me realise what i was doing to him, what he had to put up with and that i want to get myself better and be the old me again.

I have tried to explain this to him over the last couple of weeks, but he is so angry with me because i rejected him, and because my mood swings are so up and down i can be really nasty when i dont really mean it. I dont know how to explain what depression does, and how it makes me feel to try to make him understand it wasnt really me.

He has read some of the information i have got about it but im so scared the damage has already been done and i really dont want to lose him.

If anyone has any advice about how i can maybe get him to understand a bit more, and start to trust me again it would be really appreciated.
 
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doopiedoo

Member
Joined
Sep 27, 2009
Messages
6
Hi there - I get people to understand by explaining that i am ill. If they give me the 'pull yourself together' crap then i simply tell them that they wouldn't say that to someone who has a broken leg would they - it's no different, my brain isn't working properly! I have a chemical imballance that I AM tryin my best to fix.
 
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