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Depression & anxiety back to square one

  • Thread starter cathanifrind174
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cathanifrind174

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May 5, 2021
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186
Location
Paris, France
Another long post because I feel the need to share it and blurt it out, and honestly sharing on this forum helps me a lot. Last week I had a setback and had to take a couple of days off work. I thought I was doing well and even told my psychiatrist that I could try starting to cut down on a medicine I take for anxiety. I don’t know if it was stress at work or the fact that I had stopped taking the anxiety pill or just my illness, I felt very down last week. The weekend was better but now that I have started work again, anxiety and depression seem to have creeped back in.

I feel like I have too much work to do and so can’t get anything done and the lack of productivity is making me feel extremely guilty. I feel like I’m trying really hard. I even walked 7 km yesterday (4.3 miles) and it did me a lot of good but it was a temporary fix. I have a job that gives me anxiety and I have posted about it elsewhere. I am also so confused in life. I got married this year against the wishes of my parents. My parents are Hindu but I am a convert to Catholicism and I married a French Catholic. My relationship with my family has improved a lot but my mother has a habit of toxic parenting and is a bit of a narcissist. In any case they live in India and I live in France with my wife and we have limited contact. They did come recently to visit us in November but I haven’t been to India since Covid.

I just feel overwhelmed with the many thoughts I have. I know that I need to change jobs because the current one is terrible for my mental health but I am afraid of being unemployed, especially in a foreign country. I am married to a French lady so I don’t have to worry about being deported (I hope not) but I don’t want to be in such a precarious situation as I know that my worst period of depression was when I was unemployed.

Last two years have been extremely tough because I had a leg operation; I was out of work sick because of anxiety and depression for over five months and even periods of vacation have been tough for me as I was confronted with unfortunate events such as having a hip problem when I was hiking. The wedding day was the only happy day in the past two years and even that was cut short because my employer wouldn’t let me go on a honeymoon because I had been on sick leave for so long that they couldn’t afford to give me leave.

I love my wife and I am trying hard to get myself together as I really look forward to starting a family with her but I feel handicapped because of my depression and anxiety and I am totally lost when it comes to the choice of profession. I just want to earn enough to feed my family. I have no ambition in life except the bare minimum to provide for myself and my family. My wife is very supportive but my parents are somewhat flippant about my depression and don’t really see it as an illness; Even me employer suggested I do sport to get rid of anxiety. (not entirely incorrect but I just feel like nobody understands what I’m going through).

Sorry for this long post.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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One day at a time
Rest
Do things you enjoy as often as you can
 
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SadRainbow

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No need to apologise. Hopefully it helped to express some of your struggles. I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time, especially that your parents are unsupportive.
 
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cathanifrind174

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May 5, 2021
Messages
186
Location
Paris, France
Thanks. I know it's my work mainly that's stressing me out so much. I know that even in the middle of the workday, I need to do things I enjoy otherwise I'll just go back to the same unhealthy habit of overthinking and entering into the never ending spiral of depression. Depression has made me realize how important self-care is.
 
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