H
Hill22
New member
Just over a year ago I came extremely close to killing myself. What scares me is that if I hadn't snapped out of this weird state I was in I would definitely be dead now. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for a long time but last year it got very severe to the point of almost committing suicide and I can feel it getting to this point again.
I had been progressively declining in my second year at uni and at a party in the wrong state of mind I took a lot of MDMA (probably around double the amount I should have taken). I bombed it and didn't think too much of it until I had a panic attack while coming up. I snapped out of it and started to enjoy myself, however a few days later, while still on a comedown and with absolutely no serotonin in my brain at all I was walking home one night. I usually have suicidal ideations (more curiosity; ie how much of x would it take to kill me, if I tried to kill myself this way, would I die, type of thing) but this was completely different. A voice I didn't recognise which was in my head but also so overpowering and all consuming that I didn't really question it told me to attempt suicide. I started to go to where I would attempt. This was the clearest my mind had been in so long and I liked it. I wanted to escape. Luckily after a few moments I thought of my family back home and my friends, and realised I couldn't do this to them, so I got down and walked home in tears suddenly feeling everything.
I can feel myself on another decline, and especially with the COVID-19 lockdown am scared that this will happen again but I might not be so lucky this time. I don't know whether the voice was a result of drugs or my mental state or a mixture of both, but the possibility of it happening again increases my anxiety, which in turn increases my depression and suicidal ideation and thoughts/actions of self harm and makes it all the more possible.
I am always too scared to tell this to a GP but I think I need more help than the meds and the recommendation of exercise. I am now back living with my parents and I don't want them ever to know the extent to which I am deeply unhappy with myself and my life.
I had been progressively declining in my second year at uni and at a party in the wrong state of mind I took a lot of MDMA (probably around double the amount I should have taken). I bombed it and didn't think too much of it until I had a panic attack while coming up. I snapped out of it and started to enjoy myself, however a few days later, while still on a comedown and with absolutely no serotonin in my brain at all I was walking home one night. I usually have suicidal ideations (more curiosity; ie how much of x would it take to kill me, if I tried to kill myself this way, would I die, type of thing) but this was completely different. A voice I didn't recognise which was in my head but also so overpowering and all consuming that I didn't really question it told me to attempt suicide. I started to go to where I would attempt. This was the clearest my mind had been in so long and I liked it. I wanted to escape. Luckily after a few moments I thought of my family back home and my friends, and realised I couldn't do this to them, so I got down and walked home in tears suddenly feeling everything.
I can feel myself on another decline, and especially with the COVID-19 lockdown am scared that this will happen again but I might not be so lucky this time. I don't know whether the voice was a result of drugs or my mental state or a mixture of both, but the possibility of it happening again increases my anxiety, which in turn increases my depression and suicidal ideation and thoughts/actions of self harm and makes it all the more possible.
I am always too scared to tell this to a GP but I think I need more help than the meds and the recommendation of exercise. I am now back living with my parents and I don't want them ever to know the extent to which I am deeply unhappy with myself and my life.
