Depression and Narcissm

[Mar12]

Two months ago, my husband left me. He came from another country to be with me. Once here, he had begun to insult people on the street, characters in TV shows, my family and friends- with such an earnest hatred that it hurt me deeply to hear each and every time. I begged him to stop every time. He began a pattern of not looking for new jobs, or leaving after a short period. He would start college classes and quit halfway through the semester. All of this without telling me. While I worked and went to school at the same time to support us. He would criticize me and get all surprised if I was upset by this. I made so many excuses for him, claiming depression or other mental health problems and that’s why had become the way he was, even though when I met and dated him abroad, he hasn’t been this way. Towards the end I told him I didn’t like the path we were on and I didn’t see us lasting unless we got professional help. After our first session, he started shutting down. I was going to individual therapy at the time and my therapist stated that the patterns she had been seeing for months indicated that he was likely a narcissist and as soon as someone pointed out his flaws he just wanted to run. Within the next month he told me he didn’t love me anymore, he could only be happy alone, and that he wanted to leave. He finally did after I became so tired of begging him to wait for another session, that we could talk things out- I told him “fine, just go.” I moved back with my parents, we lost our apartment- which I had to deal with almost alone except for the support of my angel mother. A week later he was begging for me to come back. He says that his father’s health had been weighing down on him. His father even ended up passing away a month later. I’m trying to be compassionate, because I loved my father in law a lot and I know how much more he loved his father, but I feel like this is too much. Is it possible this was all depression, or is he a narcissist? Will this keep happening despite himclaiming he will change?

 

[jajingna]

Hi, welcome to the forum. Sorry what you've been through. I don't know much about Narcissism as a disorder. Sounds like he needs help, one way or another.

 

[JessisMe]

Hello Mar12. I am so sorry for your losses.
When we are experiencing stress in life there are many different ways we can choose to manage it. When we are having hardships in areas of life there are many different ways that we can choose to manage them. Your partner had many opportunities to share his struggles with his family with you. He chose not to. The stresses your partner may or may not have been under do not explain his rude, cruel and self centered behavior. Regardless of whether he is a narcissist or not you have the matter that when he is experiencing stressors he will not tell you. That he will act in ways that are rude, cruel and abusive to you and others and later use his fathers illness as an excuse. Is this the kind of person that you want to be involved with? At the very least he is cruel and self centered with little thought to the effects his behaviors and choices have on others. These types of qualities and choices make life less pleasant, less safe, less supportive and less positive for partnership. Partnership is supposed to make life more pleasant, more supportive, safer and more positive. At the very least there should be some benefits in the way of financial contribution there. This person gives you none of these things. For this reason he is not a good partner and might not be capable of being one. It is highly likely that these behavior patterns are deeply imbedded in this person who is now realizing what he lost. I would say good riddance and good luck to this guy. Who needs the pain and the stresses? You are better off alone. xo, j