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Depression and hocd struggle

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Staddso

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
Hi, I’m a male who has been struggling with what I have diagnosed myself as hocd for the past year. It first occurred in the summer when I accidentally came across a homosexual scene in a tv show and was absolutely repulsed. I thought “am I like that” and experienced severe anxiety. This struggles caused me to become sick for the next few days and since then I have avoided all homosexual media and people. Since I was little i have always been aroused by girls and women and have never thought about men. I still feel disgusted by it and try to avoid homosexual ideas and thoughts. Sometimes a get a random erection and I direct it towards me possibly being gay and I become horrified and experience anxiety and perform compulsions to constantly check whether I am or not. Furthermore I think I have depression because of this which does not help. I read that depression releases cortisol from the amygdala changing hormones and other things. I have a reduced sec drive and desire, it feels somewhat harder to get an erection but I still only get erections from girls. I experience memory loss and forget a lot of stuff, I feel stupider and stupider everyday, I am uninterested by things I used to enjoy, I don’t feel emotions to the extent I used to. For example if I see a crime on tv or something to that extent I don’t feel remorse. I slowly feel that I’m losing the ability to love my friends and family and that is eating away at me. I also only feel sad es and I don’t feel happiness to the extent I used to. When I was in school and I interacted more socially and exercised more, I felt a lot better. I know I’m not homosexual but trivial thing happen sometimes and I attribute that to being homosexual and I check to make sure I’m not homosexual by getting aroused by women and actions to that extent. Recently, I have become so used to these compulsive actions that I don’t even feel disgusted by homosexual things anymore which makes me feel horrible. Not only have I not felt disgusted but this, but I have also lost my ability to be disgusted by almost everything. Crimes, horrible things, etc. I have only had relationships with women and I only will have relationships with women in the future. But this what if drama is holding me back from my potential and I can’t deal with it. Furthermore, I always have difficulty concentrating, I always feel bad about myself, I am extremely irritable, I always feel tired, I feel hopeless, unmotivated, and I have put on a bit of weight. These thought have been occurring for a year and I haven’t told anyone. I want to solve this by myself and I want to know that there are other people like me and that I am not the only one experiencing these issues. Thanks for hearing me out and I would appreciate help.
 
Gaijin Gabber

Gaijin Gabber

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
74
Location
hillsboro
ive felt very vulnerable and very imbarrassed about my homosexualty, even to this day i feel bad about it even though no one should, i can understand a phobia, i dont know you or the life you live, things are drasticly different depending on where you live, i think your just having a paranoid delusions, most people will point towards "maybe your gay " but i think if you are legit feeling defensive mentaly from a difficult place in the world, i hear you brother... but are you realy realy being honest with yourself? it feels like your living up to others standards...
 
Lizaje

Lizaje

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
708
Location
Idk
You need to see a doctor. Definitely don't let shame or embarrassment stop you from getting help. There are many effective ways to treat ocd and it can turn your life around. I, too, have experienced this loss of caring about violence. I use to have intrusive thoughts about me hurting someone or killing someone, even children, and while I knew they were intrusive thoughts and not me, when thinking about them I didn't feel remorse. I didn't feel anything really, as far as I remember.
 
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Staddso

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
ive felt very vulnerable and very imbarrassed about my homosexualty, even to this day i feel bad about it even though no one should, i can understand a phobia, i dont know you or the life you live, things are drasticly different depending on where you live, i think your just having a paranoid delusions, most people will point towards "maybe your gay " but i think if you are legit feeling defensive mentaly from a difficult place in the world, i hear you brother... but are you realy realy being honest with yourself? it feels like your living up to others standards...
I truly do not want to be homosexual. It stands against all my principles and going against them would just go against all my values, beliefs, and my religion. Furthermore, I’m only aroused by women and I don’t feel anything towards men. It’s just this nagging voice inside my head that keeps making me question myself.
 
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Staddso

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
You need to see a doctor. Definitely don't let shame or embarrassment stop you from getting help. There are many effective ways to treat ocd and it can turn your life around. I, too, have experienced this loss of caring about violence. I use to have intrusive thoughts about me hurting someone or killing someone, even children, and while I knew they were intrusive thoughts and not me, when thinking about them I didn't feel remorse. I didn't feel anything really, as far as I remember.
This sounds exactly like my problem. But I don’t know how to open up to my parents about this. I want them to know because even though I’m an adult, they still oversee all my activities and I want their approval. I know these thoughts are not me but having endured this so long, I feel like I’m losing myself which I don’t want. I just want to go back to how I was before all this started and become happy again.
 
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TyFence

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 21, 2020
Messages
202
Location
NorCal
The world like tv puts it before our eyes something useless. We shouldn’t watch what we are offended by. I want to be heterosexual and am determined to stay that way. When I was younger I had that to a gay man helped me then wanted me. I had an experience but never again. It ruined me with guilt and morally for a while. I crashed and ended up in .hospital. Don’t play around with that stuff.
 
Lizaje

Lizaje

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Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
708
Location
Idk
This sounds exactly like my problem. But I don’t know how to open up to my parents about this. I want them to know because even though I’m an adult, they still oversee all my activities and I want their approval. I know these thoughts are not me but having endured this so long, I feel like I’m losing myself which I don’t want. I just want to go back to how I was before all this started and become happy again.
Their approval for what — for having intrusive thoughts about being gay or for getting help because of intrusive thoughts? Their approval doesn't matter. Wouldn't it be awkward to explain that to them? Or you're just gonna say you have intrusive thoughts? Tell or don't, but go reserve an appointment ASAP, who knows how long the lines are.
 
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Staddso

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
Their approval for what — for having intrusive thoughts about being gay or for getting help because of intrusive thoughts? Their approval doesn't matter. Wouldn't it be awkward to explain that to them? Or you're just gonna say you have intrusive thoughts? Tell or don't, but go reserve an appointment ASAP, who knows how long the lines are.
For getting help. I’m only 18 and of the doctor gives me meds I can’t just return home with meds and not have them question me. Also they think that Im over exaggerating. I haven’t told them about the homosexual thoughts because I don’t want to tell that to anyone. It’s just too alien and so far from what I am that I feel almost disgusted to talk about it to people that I love. Since my college is shut down, I’m home and I’d have to tell them where I’m going if I do so I feel I should tell them about me symptoms of depression. Any suggestions?
 
Lizaje

Lizaje

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Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
708
Location
Idk
I don't think you have any duty of telling them anything, but I understand you want them to know why you go to a doctor and get meds. Are you depressed? You can tell them about your intrusive thoughts, too, if you want. You don't need to go to any details. Or you can just print some info about depression and ocd, hand them over and say you think you might have something like that I'm going to a doctor bye.

It could take you months to get the appointment... :study:

When you get to talk to someone, you should probably talk about this intrusive thought of yours as well. But if you don't want to, you can just say you have a particularly difficult one that causes you a lot of shame and embarrassment and you find it hard to talk about it. But know, that if you speak with a professional on mental health field, they've heard a lot. Know that intrusive thoughts are frequently such that they make one feel shame and disgust, too, so it's not something that comes from you - it's a common characteristic of ocd. You're unlikely to surprise them with any of this. The more you tell them, the better they can help you.
 
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TyFence

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Joined
Jul 21, 2020
Messages
202
Location
NorCal
Yah. Gp or psychologist or psychiatrist. Personally I would trust a preacher. But a doctor might respect your beliefs. They heard it all, so just try to clear your mind of what doesn’t matter.
 
Lizaje

Lizaje

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Joined
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Messages
708
Location
Idk
Just normal physician or someone else?
You're going to a private one? Where I am you have to go to a regular one on the public side. They send you forward. If you have to choose, then probably a psychiatrist, right?
 
S

Staddso

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
You're going to a private one? Where I am you have to go to a regular one on the public side. They send you forward. If you have to choose, then probably a psychiatrist, right?
I just go to a general pediatrician as my family doctor and yeah I think you’re right about the psychiatrist part. It’s just Im worried about taking antidepressants because I heard they affect your sex drive. I’ve been experiencing a decreased sex drive which from my research is apparently because of the excess amount of cortisol that my brain releases which interrupts my hormones. Just not sure how to go about this.
 
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