- Jul 31, 2020
Hi, I’m a male who has been struggling with what I have diagnosed myself as hocd for the past year. It first occurred in the summer when I accidentally came across a homosexual scene in a tv show and was absolutely repulsed. I thought “am I like that” and experienced severe anxiety. This struggles caused me to become sick for the next few days and since then I have avoided all homosexual media and people. Since I was little i have always been aroused by girls and women and have never thought about men. I still feel disgusted by it and try to avoid homosexual ideas and thoughts. Sometimes a get a random erection and I direct it towards me possibly being gay and I become horrified and experience anxiety and perform compulsions to constantly check whether I am or not. Furthermore I think I have depression because of this which does not help. I read that depression releases cortisol from the amygdala changing hormones and other things. I have a reduced sec drive and desire, it feels somewhat harder to get an erection but I still only get erections from girls. I experience memory loss and forget a lot of stuff, I feel stupider and stupider everyday, I am uninterested by things I used to enjoy, I don’t feel emotions to the extent I used to. For example if I see a crime on tv or something to that extent I don’t feel remorse. I slowly feel that I’m losing the ability to love my friends and family and that is eating away at me. I also only feel sad es and I don’t feel happiness to the extent I used to. When I was in school and I interacted more socially and exercised more, I felt a lot better. I know I’m not homosexual but trivial thing happen sometimes and I attribute that to being homosexual and I check to make sure I’m not homosexual by getting aroused by women and actions to that extent. Recently, I have become so used to these compulsive actions that I don’t even feel disgusted by homosexual things anymore which makes me feel horrible. Not only have I not felt disgusted but this, but I have also lost my ability to be disgusted by almost everything. Crimes, horrible things, etc. I have only had relationships with women and I only will have relationships with women in the future. But this what if drama is holding me back from my potential and I can’t deal with it. Furthermore, I always have difficulty concentrating, I always feel bad about myself, I am extremely irritable, I always feel tired, I feel hopeless, unmotivated, and I have put on a bit of weight. These thought have been occurring for a year and I haven’t told anyone. I want to solve this by myself and I want to know that there are other people like me and that I am not the only one experiencing these issues. Thanks for hearing me out and I would appreciate help.