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depression and codependency

  • Thread starter likesilencebutnotreallysilent
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L

likesilencebutnotreallysilent

Member
Joined
Oct 20, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Columbus, Ohio
Hi all, I don't have anywhere else to go with this so I have joined here and I'm hoping to get some catharsis from talking about it. I think my attachment to my boyfriend is unhealthy. I tend to latch onto people or ideas and just project myself onto them. My entire being revolves around someone else and my emotions depend on it. I get so scared if I feel like he could potentially be upset with me. I'm at my happiest when I'm with him but as soon as he leaves I feel drained and numb. I hate the thought that he feels responsible for me, I hate the idea that I am a nuisance or a burden to him. I don't know what to do. Recently he expressed to me for the first time that he feels overly responsible in some way for my depression getting worse because he's somehow enabling me. He says he's scared that he doesn't know how to respond and my heart hurts so badly to know that he has felt this way for so long and didn't feel like he could tell me. Maybe he was scared I would hurt myself. I'm clean for several months now and he was the one who helped me get to that point but I can tell he is still afraid that I will relapse and I don't know what to do. I want to be less codependent but when I don't tell him how I'm doing he just worries more. He has told me before that he can't be my only source of happiness and he's right but if he's the only thing that makes me happy anymore where does that leave me. No one will probably respond to this but I just. wanted to get it off my chest somewhere. I think this place will be good for that. Maybe I will update and say how things are going later.
I don't want to break up with him. I can't and I won't. I truly think he is the love of my life. But I can't keep doing this to him and I don't know how to fix it. Anyone have any thoughts? Please weigh in. Hope you are all well and safe.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,755
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. I can totally understand how you feel. When we feel so bad it is understandable to become dependant on somebody we love to feel better. I think it is really positive you have realised this and want to do something about it. I think therapy could really help you. It will help you to work out why you feel the way you do and to give you more of a sense of self. Please do not worry. You can get to feel okay in your own company.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,589
I'm no professional etc. and like others have said Therapy could be a great way forward :) I wonder if coming up with a coping strategy for when you're not with your Boyfriend might be a help. I also wonder if it's just a case that your Boyfriend just takes your mind off things, in which case maybe extending your circle of friends and finding something to focus your mind on may help. Just a thought...
 
L

likesilencebutnotreallysilent

Member
Joined
Oct 20, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Columbus, Ohio
Hello and welcome to the forum. I can totally understand how you feel. When we feel so bad it is understandable to become dependant on somebody we love to feel better. I think it is really positive you have realised this and want to do something about it. I think therapy could really help you. It will help you to work out why you feel the way you do and to give you more of a sense of self. Please do not worry. You can get to feel okay in your own company.
Thank you, this is so kind. I've been working on opening up about these things with my therapist and I think you're right that I need to work out how I feel in my own company. It's easier for me to be honest in writing so maybe it will be helpful to write down what I want to say and then read it for her during a session. That way I won't struggle for words and I can explain. Thank you again for your words, I hope you are well and I hope to be more active on the forum after such a nice first experience.
 
L

likesilencebutnotreallysilent

Member
Joined
Oct 20, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Columbus, Ohio
I'm no professional etc. and like others have said Therapy could be a great way forward :) I wonder if coming up with a coping strategy for when you're not with your Boyfriend might be a help. I also wonder if it's just a case that your Boyfriend just takes your mind off things, in which case maybe extending your circle of friends and finding something to focus your mind on may help. Just a thought...
I think you're right, this is really good advice. Maybe getting back into music will help, since I'll have other things to occupy myself. I used to play guitar and piano and sing and it made me so happy. It's hard to motivate and I haven't been feeling very musical lately but maybe pushing myself to try to start again will be a nice change of pace.
Extending my circle of friends is also a good idea I think. One of the biggest things that always tells me I'm getting depressed is I start to push people away so I can be alone, even though being alone hurts. Reaching out to my friends is hard but maybe it will make me feel more like myself again. Thank you so much for your words. It means a lot to me to see people responding because I didn't think anyone would. I hope you're safe and well :)
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,755
Location
England
Thank you, this is so kind. I've been working on opening up about these things with my therapist and I think you're right that I need to work out how I feel in my own company. It's easier for me to be honest in writing so maybe it will be helpful to write down what I want to say and then read it for her during a session. That way I won't struggle for words and I can explain. Thank you again for your words, I hope you are well and I hope to be more active on the forum after such a nice first experience.
I am pleased to hear you have a therapist. I also find it easier to express myself in writing. I think it is a great idea for you to write down what you want to say and read it to the therapist. I am happy to hear you are going to be more active on the forum.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,589
I think you're right, this is really good advice. Maybe getting back into music will help, since I'll have other things to occupy myself. I used to play guitar and piano and sing and it made me so happy. It's hard to motivate and I haven't been feeling very musical lately but maybe pushing myself to try to start again will be a nice change of pace.
Extending my circle of friends is also a good idea I think. One of the biggest things that always tells me I'm getting depressed is I start to push people away so I can be alone, even though being alone hurts. Reaching out to my friends is hard but maybe it will make me feel more like myself again. Thank you so much for your words. It means a lot to me to see people responding because I didn't think anyone would. I hope you're safe and well :)
I bet you have a lot to give and share, now could be a great time to reach out :) You should get back into your music, it's great to have a talent. Perhaps in time you could share that too :)
 
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