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Depressed

  • Thread starter CorvusMortuus416
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CorvusMortuus416

CorvusMortuus416

New member
Joined
Oct 3, 2021
Messages
3
Location
USA
Hello, I’m new here... I guess I should warn you that this mentions suicidal thoughts throughout & brief mention of bullying. But anyways. I suppose the reason I’m online here is because I am most often depressed, I have been so for the past three or so almost four years. Well I just don’t see the point to being alive most days. Most people hate me, or even if they don’t I still think they hate me, which causes the same amount of suffering, I know it’s illogical to think people actually spend the time hating me. But anyways. Mostly I just hate myself, and wish I was dead. Hate myself for wishing I was dead, and hate myself for just being alive. Idk why. Cause I’m just far to flawed, or maybe I just want to hate myself so when other people hate me, we can be in agreement. Most days I think about killing myself. I go into every class thinking about it, which can get quite distracting at times. So I think about it at least once every hour or so. I don’t think I would ever actually do it though which is frustrating when you always wish you were dead. I have no friends or life. When I try to make friends with people I pull away as soon as I think I’ve made some grave error, so it’s really my fault. I had friends once, but we stopped talking when I moved schools which is partially my fault. I tried calling my closest friend once when I was particularly depressed (and on the verge of tears, which I hardly ever am), and then they never called me back. I regret ever trying to talk to them again. I feel particular depressed around this time in the afternoon, or the most suicidal anyways, the pain somehow still feels sharpest, though the dullness and the sludge of the morning can also feel worse in the moment, every moment I wish I was in another, but in all moments I wish I was dead. Whether I’m working or not I still feel the pain, though the idea that one day, or soon after the hour I’ll be free from the work is the only thing that keeps me going paradoxically, then I don’t really feel any relief. It’s the same story over and over again, and meanwhile I feel like I’m just wasting away my only in the best case scenario 5,000 weeks of time. I think there’s really no point in trying to make something of yourself in life, but for some reason I still really want this, and it’s one thing that keeps me going. Really the only thing that really keeps me going that I think actually matters is the idea that I might have someone who actually cared about me one day, but most days I think that’s impossible anyways. Whenever I say I wish I was dead people get angry at me, so I never say I wish I was dead. Well I am now though I suppose. People think it’s a crisis when you wish you were dead, does that mean I’m always in crisis? When I was young-young like eight I think the other kids bullied me all the time, and pulled the chair from under me, idk why probably because I stared at people a lot, though I didn’t mean to. Anyways. I remember even then; I once heard a story about a man who got impaled on sharp rocks in the Himalayan Mountains, and I wished that could happen to me, this didn’t strike me as odd at the time, and I didn’t really realize I had depression until I was like 12 at the time I really only had sporadic episodes of depression, but my friends which I made when I was 11 (after I learned how to be normal) brought me out of it. I’m good at pretending to be normal I think, or at least relatively so. I lost contact with my friends around when I was 14 which is when I started to become severely depressed, I find it funny that I am completely functional (more or less) but I want to kill myself.
 
B

Bod

Former member
Joined
Jul 19, 2021
Messages
7,860
Location
Pretty Good
If you're feeling like you want to die, it's important to tell someone.

Help and support is available right now if you need it. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

Phone a helpline

These free helplines are there to help when you're feeling down or desperate.

You can also call these helplines for advice if you’re worried about someone else.

In the UK and Ireland, call the Samaritans on 116123.
In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ion 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, call the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, call Lifeline on 131114.
In New Zealand, call Need to Talk on 1737 or 080017371737.
For other countries please visit this list of crisis helplines.

Useful information

The Forum's page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Emergency help

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111 or call the international emergency number of 112).

Please do seek help as soon as possible.
 
H

hairybanana

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
5,365
Location
Australia
Hello, I’m new here... I guess I should warn you that this mentions suicidal thoughts throughout & brief mention of bullying. But anyways. I suppose the reason I’m online here is because I am most often depressed, I have been so for the past three or so almost four years. Well I just don’t see the point to being alive most days. Most people hate me, or even if they don’t I still think they hate me, which causes the same amount of suffering, I know it’s illogical to think people actually spend the time hating me. But anyways. Mostly I just hate myself, and wish I was dead. Hate myself for wishing I was dead, and hate myself for just being alive. Idk why. Cause I’m just far to flawed, or maybe I just want to hate myself so when other people hate me, we can be in agreement. Most days I think about killing myself. I go into every class thinking about it, which can get quite distracting at times. So I think about it at least once every hour or so. I don’t think I would ever actually do it though which is frustrating when you always wish you were dead. I have no friends or life. When I try to make friends with people I pull away as soon as I think I’ve made some grave error, so it’s really my fault. I had friends once, but we stopped talking when I moved schools which is partially my fault. I tried calling my closest friend once when I was particularly depressed (and on the verge of tears, which I hardly ever am), and then they never called me back. I regret ever trying to talk to them again. I feel particular depressed around this time in the afternoon, or the most suicidal anyways, the pain somehow still feels sharpest, though the dullness and the sludge of the morning can also feel worse in the moment, every moment I wish I was in another, but in all moments I wish I was dead. Whether I’m working or not I still feel the pain, though the idea that one day, or soon after the hour I’ll be free from the work is the only thing that keeps me going paradoxically, then I don’t really feel any relief. It’s the same story over and over again, and meanwhile I feel like I’m just wasting away my only in the best case scenario 5,000 weeks of time. I think there’s really no point in trying to make something of yourself in life, but for some reason I still really want this, and it’s one thing that keeps me going. Really the only thing that really keeps me going that I think actually matters is the idea that I might have someone who actually cared about me one day, but most days I think that’s impossible anyways. Whenever I say I wish I was dead people get angry at me, so I never say I wish I was dead. Well I am now though I suppose. People think it’s a crisis when you wish you were dead, does that mean I’m always in crisis? When I was young-young like eight I think the other kids bullied me all the time, and pulled the chair from under me, idk why probably because I stared at people a lot, though I didn’t mean to. Anyways. I remember even then; I once heard a story about a man who got impaled on sharp rocks in the Himalayan Mountains, and I wished that could happen to me, this didn’t strike me as odd at the time, and I didn’t really realize I had depression until I was like 12 at the time I really only had sporadic episodes of depression, but my friends which I made when I was 11 (after I learned how to be normal) brought me out of it. I’m good at pretending to be normal I think, or at least relatively so. I lost contact with my friends around when I was 14 which is when I started to become severely depressed, I find it funny that I am completely functional (more or less) but I want to kill myself.
Sorry you’re struggling mate, poke around the forum and start chatting to people, it’ll help improve your mood for sure. Good job reaching out for some support too 👍
 
B

Bod

Former member
Joined
Jul 19, 2021
Messages
7,860
Location
Pretty Good
Hello, I’m new here... I guess I should warn you that this mentions suicidal thoughts throughout & brief mention of bullying. But anyways. I suppose the reason I’m online here is because I am most often depressed, I have been so for the past three or so almost four years. Well I just don’t see the point to being alive most days. Most people hate me, or even if they don’t I still think they hate me, which causes the same amount of suffering, I know it’s illogical to think people actually spend the time hating me. But anyways. Mostly I just hate myself, and wish I was dead. Hate myself for wishing I was dead, and hate myself for just being alive. Idk why. Cause I’m just far to flawed, or maybe I just want to hate myself so when other people hate me, we can be in agreement. Most days I think about killing myself. I go into every class thinking about it, which can get quite distracting at times. So I think about it at least once every hour or so. I don’t think I would ever actually do it though which is frustrating when you always wish you were dead. I have no friends or life. When I try to make friends with people I pull away as soon as I think I’ve made some grave error, so it’s really my fault. I had friends once, but we stopped talking when I moved schools which is partially my fault. I tried calling my closest friend once when I was particularly depressed (and on the verge of tears, which I hardly ever am), and then they never called me back. I regret ever trying to talk to them again. I feel particular depressed around this time in the afternoon, or the most suicidal anyways, the pain somehow still feels sharpest, though the dullness and the sludge of the morning can also feel worse in the moment, every moment I wish I was in another, but in all moments I wish I was dead. Whether I’m working or not I still feel the pain, though the idea that one day, or soon after the hour I’ll be free from the work is the only thing that keeps me going paradoxically, then I don’t really feel any relief. It’s the same story over and over again, and meanwhile I feel like I’m just wasting away my only in the best case scenario 5,000 weeks of time. I think there’s really no point in trying to make something of yourself in life, but for some reason I still really want this, and it’s one thing that keeps me going. Really the only thing that really keeps me going that I think actually matters is the idea that I might have someone who actually cared about me one day, but most days I think that’s impossible anyways. Whenever I say I wish I was dead people get angry at me, so I never say I wish I was dead. Well I am now though I suppose. People think it’s a crisis when you wish you were dead, does that mean I’m always in crisis? When I was young-young like eight I think the other kids bullied me all the time, and pulled the chair from under me, idk why probably because I stared at people a lot, though I didn’t mean to. Anyways. I remember even then; I once heard a story about a man who got impaled on sharp rocks in the Himalayan Mountains, and I wished that could happen to me, this didn’t strike me as odd at the time, and I didn’t really realize I had depression until I was like 12 at the time I really only had sporadic episodes of depression, but my friends which I made when I was 11 (after I learned how to be normal) brought me out of it. I’m good at pretending to be normal I think, or at least relatively so. I lost contact with my friends around when I was 14 which is when I started to become severely depressed, I find it funny that I am completely functional (more or less) but I want to kill myself.


I am sorry you are suffering and feeling so low and you say that know ones cares about you, WE all care for you and so do I so please try not to hurt your self as with us we can try and make our lives a bit better and learn ways to control our depression so we can start to feel a bit better in our selfs. I always thought know one cared for me and that everyone hated me as a person and I just felt as if I did not belong in this world at all my family did try and get me help but I did not except it so went into a very bad down hill self destruct for most of my life making me feel like it was me against the world and every other thing. Then 20 years ago my life changed for the better as I hit my Rock Bottom and help was offered to me and I grabbed that help and over the years I worked through my mental health issues and with all the help that charity gave me the one main thing was LIFE. I then moved back to the South here to be closer to family and then got my own place, but my depression and other issues started coming back up, so I Googled a few things and found this fantastic forum back in July of this year and I thought OMG other people can and will understand me and help me in the bad days and good days.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Staff member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
13,542
Location
England
I suffer with depression also, and many of the feelings you have, i can relate to. Most people manage to function just about, but feel very low and with low self-esteem.

I am sure with treatment, with help, or even medication, you can be feeling brighter and better and happier before Christmas.

Life with depression is very hard, life is just very hard, but there are wonderful times too. Not everyone has tons of friends and amazing relatives, but nature, the seasons, strangers, there are some good people around.

There are also many other people walking around feeling just as you do. Many people here on the forum also, wish they could go to sleep and not wake up, myself included. But, i have made a nice little life for myself that helps me to avoid stress and feel a bit better. I take medication too which without, i am certain i would have killed myself.

You must wait until your natural time to die. You also must get some support or make some decisions about the way forward, how you are going to make life easier for yourself and a bit happier.

What are your plans for the day? It is Sunday morning here.
 
K

Kayaker

Former member
Hey bro. I feel you. I've been having depressive episodes since as long as I can remember. It makes me want to kill myself too, like it's some path or choice to take, a good one. Let me tell, it's not. And let me tell you too, people who've been worse than me now are better. That's just how things are. We have to wait and to treat this depression for things to get better one day. You have one person that cares a lot about you, and would contract the same hell of a disease if you would kill yourself, think about that. Depression is not something that fades once the depressed person dies, it will just be transferred to someone who loves you. And I don't care if nobody looks like that person, sometimes the people we love we also don't understand. Try to come clean about your depression to your parents or your closest friends. Tell them all about it. I hope everything works out for you, I hope you can find people to talk here on this forum too my dude, including me. Good luck
 
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