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Depressed

Pasztecik

Pasztecik

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Poland
I think I'm depressed. Unless one can be suicidal and disinterested in their future for ten years without being depressed. I've been through a lot and I honestly can pick and choose which trauma I want to go over each day. The current episode is almost a month-long and caused by my mother, of course. On some site, I left a message about this and people advised me to seek help. How, though? In those ten bloody years, I had the following experience:

A psychologist wanted me to look him in the eyes when we talked. He went to the psychiatrist next door to get me a prescription for antidepressants. When I went there to get a new prescription, that psychiatrist, a person who had never met me before, said angrily that no pill would be good enough for me, all would be too strong or too weak. I gave her no reason to talk to me like that.

Another psychologist, this time from an online forum for sexually abused ppl, saw me mention sth super vague about life having no meaning and threatened to call the cops on me. Other people tried to convince her not to, but she was stubborn. I was so worried. The next thing nothing happened, I wrote to her and she said she has no time for my problems bc she has to focus on her nails (she was getting married). Huh. To make it funnier, she would mention how she travelled across the country to comfort another girl from the forum. That one deserved sympathy, I didn't.

A psychiatrist who admitted me to psych ward after my second attempt, asked me almost amused: 'What, were you beaten as a child?' I said yes, he asked 'How hard?', then chuckled and my abusive mother laughed with him. Then he said, after a short conversation, that I'm a narcissist who wants everyone to know about her pain. Case closed, no more treatment, I was suicidal and for the following 8 days I spent there, I got only a personality test.

A social worker, who knew nothing about me, said she had it much worse and if I knew what she had been through, I would never complain. Huh. Then she advised me to clean my room, as if that could cure depression or was evenpossible when you're depressed.

Another psychiatrist was puzzlingly angry with me for no goddamn reason. I referred to myself as my parents' daughter and she snapped: 'You're not a child, grow up!' And then she diagnosed me with histrionic personality disorder, me, the person who willingly didn't have a phone for a couple of years in my twenties, have never been on any social media and couldn't be any less sexually provocative.

A psychologist took the side of my brother, who sexually abused me as a child. She said he needed help and my parents should've focused on getting him such help. Me? I'm not important, even during my own session.

What's more, I've never met a mental health professional who would not take my abusive parents' side. They all just love abusive parents. When my mother said in front of 2 psychologists that I faked not being mentally ill, deceived 3 professionals and that she knows for sure I'm delusional, no one said a thing. Sure, great, that sounds perfectly fine.

I'm struggling so hard now. I have no reason to live. I don't have friends, my family want me to die. They wouldn't even notice if I I disappeared, I'm talking from experience. Last spring and summer I started cleaning my room again after a very long time, I almost got rid of all the clutter and rubbish, but then my mother had to act out again and I physically cannot clean my room. What's the point? It's hard enough to do the laundry. On my way to work, the first 3,5 km is far from people, so today I rode my bike and cried the whole time.

For me, there are 2 kinds of things: things people who want to live do and things a failure like me does. Like using lip balm. All autumn and winter I scare people with my chapped lips, but looking nice is for the normal people. I've been hit by a car and needless to say, my family helped me with absolutely nothing and I'm too suicidal to try and better my life. One doctor suspected my jaw was broken, it still hurts, but for the diagnosis, I'd have to have the scan or sth, an expensive one and what's even the point? I didn't get proper compensation, I'm missing 1,5 front tooth, which is great for my low self-esteem and confidence. Great that it happened last year when I was the only one hiding my face with a scarf, this year this would've been normal.

Plus, this whole Covid thing, I was stupid enough to choose a profession that's unimportant during a pandemic.

My mother once said to me I could be depressed only if I miscarried twice, like her. Two years ago, when I was feeling really bad, I told her I was suicidal and she asked angrily: 'Why? Bc you have a bad mother?' Why, yes, but also bc of other stuff.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I have a long history. Also, in case anyone is wondering, there's no help for people like me and nothing ever gets better, only progressively worse. Besides, I'm dead inside since that thing wth my brither, I was six then, now 32 and suicide would be only a formality.
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
2,058
Location
Canada
Sorry to hear your difficulties. The way those so-called professional mental health workers responded to you is unacceptable. If possible try to find someone decent who will help you.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,886
Location
England
It is heartbreaking to hear how you reached out to people who were meant to support you, only to be dismissed. I am so so sorry. The professionals you have seen are wrong. You do deserve support. It is very difficult to see anything positive right now as you have not been given any support. I know how hard it is to have a toxic family and have no opportunity to move out. Have you looked into any organisations in Poland who would be able to help?
 
Pasztecik

Pasztecik

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Poland
I don't think anyone would really want to help me. For example, my boss and her husband know about some of my problems and they offered to help me find a lawyer and other stuff, but it was empty promises. I get that most ppl only care about themselves and these days everyone has a lot in their plate. I do think telling someone all this is only asking to be hurt. Opening up to others gives them a tool to hurt me. The problem is these ppl meet you when you're most vulnerable and instead if helping or at least not making it worse, they lash out. It's no accident that this profession attracts ppl who crave power over others.
Also, I've been in bad situation too long, I was taught by my family that I don't matter and nothing will ever be better. There's literally no hope for me.
 
Pasztecik

Pasztecik

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Poland
Sorry to hear your difficulties. The way those so-called professional mental health workers responded to you is unacceptable. If possible try to find someone decent who will help you.
Again, how? How? What else could I possibly do that I haven't done already? I thought about potentially meeting sb new and before we start I'd have ask them all if the questions like 'will you laugh at my childhood trauma?' and I know these ppl well enough to know they wouldn't be understanding, they would get mad at me. On top of that, it's the end of the world now with this covid thing, if seeing sb even possible now, the line is crazy long.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,886
Location
England
I can see what a difficult situation you are in. People who you trusted let you down and used your pain against you. It would be very difficult to reach out again. I can see you have been made to believe you are not worth helping but I do not agree. I am sorry your boss did not end up getting you a lawyer.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,601
The people on this Forum are a huge source of support. We might not be Health Professionals etc. but we are here for one another, and can re-build our faith in Humanity etc. Please don't give up hope, there are good people out there, it's just a question of finding them :hug:
 
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