Depressed from birth....at 49...found out how to beat it finally. It is curable...but it is do it yourself...not with much help!

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RavenBlacksBabies

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#1
Depressed from birth....at 49...found out how to beat it finally. It is curable...but it is do it yourself...not with much help!

I opened my eyes in this world and the first thing I saw was hatred.

It was like a punch from a very strong individual. When you are born you are tiny and unable to move...the person who first looks at you and is given legal ownership no matter what size....tiny to 50 feet tall and 40 feet wide looks like a giant and has a lot of power.

I got struck in the head so hard that I was messed up forever.

Naturally I reacted in many ways....some of which was anger. There was some disbelief and other reactions....

When someone welcomes you with a punch...it is not likely that they will give you a life filled with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everywhere....they will do everything in their power to hurt you and make you miserable and unwell.

In the first few months it is easy to become very depressive. The more hits you take the more anger and other emotions are bottled up and you just become a head buzzing with feelings that you cannot define, manage or even put in to words...and for most of us that remains well into our 30s...

The not-so-good people around me...did many things like exclude me ...which did not bother me....but there was absolutely no real engagement...

I was already different because I was in the wrong place in every way...but it was pretty bad just on the surface.

I remember being told that I would never be cared for and always be kept away from the rest of society and the family when I was taken out of my crib and shown the outdoors.

I was lucky or unlucky to be kept locked up in my crib until I was able to show that I could dress myself, walk and move around unaided.

I say lucky because the locking away meant I did not have to see the evil that was around me in the strange environment...I just heard it sometimes.

It is unlucky because there is no stimulation...so the brain is affected in numerous ways...none of them good.

I received no human touch also which is generally useful for an infant...as a result I turned out to be not really in need of it for much of my life.

Not being in need of human touch was both useful and not useful.

I was motivated to act even with little gas in the tank which is what human touch can be turned into if it is given with good intention and positivity. Without it you are pretty much operating on an empty gas tank and most of the people facing that situation commit suicide and end up going nowhere....empty gas tank...stalled vehicle.

The healing work involved finding a way to put words to the emotions that were bottled up inside. Connecting with the rage and outrage at what made you feel rage and outrage from the beginning and finding a safe way to let it out without hurting yourself and others.

Some people express their rage through music, sports, just drawing or other types of art. In this lifetime I had to use words.

Sometimes it is difficult to even get started. The degree to which you are traumatized or hurt or whatever affects your ability period...to engage with the world, to be motivated to even think about what is wrong with you.

Most of the time as a kid, you follow orders. Brush your teeth, wash the dishes, get dressed, go to school, get home on time for dinner...if you get dinner. I was one of the kids who was not guaranteed dinner. Part of the abuse was being told that the others would eat and they would feed me if they bothered.

When I started to remember...I connected with my rage and the words came out in a torrent.

They just flowed and flowed and nothing anyone did could stop them...and I mean no one.

I took it upon myself to face the perpetrators. I did not threaten them..all I said was that I remembered and I did not like it and how it had affected me and how it was making me feel and the words that were flowing out of me and the feelings were overwhelming and damning in that I could not run my life.

I could not work, I could not protect myself in any other way. I was emotionally vulnerable and that leads to financial and other vulnerability also.

I had to let it out....trouble is that depending on who you are and how bad it was there may be a lot to let out and to let it out safely is the most difficult.

I felt I had to talk...I felt I had to write...I felt I had to confront without punching the lights out of anybody or damaging property or myself.

I also felt that not all of it could be done in private. I needed someone to talk to sometimes and other times it was better to write.

It is important to know when to do both...but nobody gets it right...because sometimes things just come out of you and it is better sometimes that they come out at all rather than not at all.

Healing from depression meant facing a lot of demons....all kinds...many of them vicious.

Men who preyed on your body when you were younger if you are a female or whatever that may mean for you if you are a male.

I kept a pretty low profile so it was not that bad.

There were a number of males who preyed on me when I was younger but there were not that many because I am not really promiscuous.

It turned out that I had to face most of them especially if they harmed me and that is not without danger...even so...it depends on how it is done and when in life.

I was angry at my school because they saw me broken and did not report it...watched me suffer and said nothing to comfort or anything.

I was angry not really at my classmates but did not like them laughing at my dismay or just ignoring me and not even saying hello.

I guess when you grow up and you are facing those classmates...I would not call it revenge...but I got to the point where I could not call someone who saw me punched in the face and marked and simply ignored me a friend.

I don't know what to do in cases like that either...but I would not expect the person who I did not help to consider me anything to them really either unless it was business in the future...we were both okay and it made sense...even then it might be problematic....it depends.

My life changed basically when I did the rounds at mental hospital...which I found very scary and unhelpful...and the rounds in different group therapy sessions and some individual sessions.

One day I woke up and said it is my stuff...it is all very personal. My personality is also unique...so it has to be a solution designed just for me...

Everybody usually has more than one thing wrong with them...I had too many.

All of us have to address all of those things...as we can. Depression is what we are tossed into also as we deal with the other mental health issues.

We deal with issues like financial insecurity, isolation, loneliness, no sense of belonging, housing insecurity, food insecurity and insecurity of safety of our physical and mental and emotional selves among a host of others...

Like every citizen we face the insecurity and consequences suffered when the country, city or community we live in suffers financially or emotionally from tragedy or natural disaster...you name it.

I got to the point where I realized there was only vulnerability.

I could not handle it unhealed...but when I healed I could handle living with juggling nothing but vulnerability.

Basically it was up to me to heal my depressive state and to do was to get to the point where I would not let it overwhelm me again and render me unable to function.

Life tests us and of course me in every way every day....but I can say I am not depressed.

Problem solving is they key to overcoming depression...see it as a problem to solve personally for you...in your life journey and attack it...

I reject anyone who says that depression is something you take medication for. I took it and finally rejected it forever. I refuse to take it.

It did not solve the problem...problem solving is done with the brain...action...in your life and in your body and in your community.

Getting off the medication was dangerous because I took it for a long time...I got off it frightened...I said I refuse...it is not working...I went off it slowly...but finally got off...and faced the withdrawal...I cried..shook...but said..I refuse to take something that does not do the job.

It is my job....the pill does not do the job...I will do the job or not do the job...no pills.
 
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Biggsogg

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Jun 26, 2018
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#2
Wow that is an awesome story. Go you! Making it our lifelong mission to solve our issues... I like this idea
 

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