depressed boyfriend

D

Dollit

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#21
He isn't being cruel, he is protecting himself. You are interpreting his actions as cruel. If he is trying to protect you from his perceived instability that actually shows a great deal of compassion. I think perhaps you need to talk to a professional about this and get a different perspective on the situation.
 
casey

casey

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#22
i know you are right and not being able to understand is my downfall. i preceive it as cruel because although he maybe trying to protect me he is unintentionally casuing me more heart ache and worry. there is nothing i can do for him, every effort i make is rejected. i am trying so hard to but i know i will not be able to. i just want to stop hurting, which is incredibly selfish considering what he is going through. i cannot even get angry at him.
 
D

Dollit

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#23
This is hard for you but if he is rejecting your efforts then why not listen to that message. You're not doing yourself any favours by pursuing this and trying to get him to talk to you or get back with you. He knows you still care so leave it. You see if you are trying to get him to talk to you after he has asked you not to it can be construed in law as harrassment. Let him go. No one person should be the centre of your life, it's not realistic and it's not healthy. You are in danger of becoming obsessed by this. You're the centre of your universe, not him. Love hurts but just because it's not reciprocated for any reason doesn't mean to say it's the end of the world.
 
casey

casey

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#24
i understand where you are coming from, but i just need to clarify that i am not harrassing him, not even slightly, he has also not asked me not to contact him, he told me i could, he just finds it hard to respond. i have seen and spoken to him once in over a month and have sent 2 text messages asking how he is. i do have his interest at heart and will not doing anything to cause him further pain, i just want to be able to help and support him. as much as i want this not to be happening i can not force anyone to do anything they do not wish to and it would his decision to come back, not mine.

i am on this forum to help me understand, get advise and also to vent so that i don't vent at him. he is not the centre of my life but means a hell of a lot to me and i hate that he is suffering. i am just trying to understand why he has done what he has done? he is extremely unwell and i am worried about him. yes love hurts, but a broken heart will mean but that does not stop the hurting now. i have been in relationships before which have ended and i survived, i was allowed to grieve, accept and get closure.

i know him and this is all new and unexpected to me as the person who told me he was going to spend the rest of his life with me has cut all contact overnight, so i think i am allowed to be confused, hurt and wanting to seek answers.

i apologise if my posts gave you the wrong impression and i appreciate your responses, you have been very helpful.
 
D

Dollit

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#25
Your earlier posts do give me the impression that you're not letting go in any respect and that you have been getting in touch with him a lot more.

Unless you are in the position that he is in you will never understand his frame of mind of the way he has come to his decision. He has to deal with this in his own way. The fact it hurts you probably isn't something he's factored in deliberately. You also may have to accept the fact that he doesn't respond because maybe he doesn't want to right now.

If you want to help him then let him call the shots purely because you can't make someone have a relationship with you but you have to also understand that he may not come back to you and that's how you've got to approach life.

What you have got to accept is that change happens and there's not always a satisfactory answer, not an answer at all in some cases.

You are going over the same things time and time again and this will never help you move on. It's keeping you locked in your pain and frustration. Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is realize that we are powerless but it is also the best thing we can do.
 
casey

casey

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#26
i appreciate to responses, but i do know this man, and he has been honested and opened up to me (not completely), so although i do not understand the depression, his frame of mind, his decision, i believe him when he says he does want contact but finds it difficult to talk and respond, so i don't push him. i have not told the full detail of my conversations with him before and after we broke upon this forum (something are personal). i understand you are responding on what i have put and again am sorry if i have given the wrong impression.

he is calling the shots and i am respecting his decision by backing off, but again that does not make it not hurt. i also have too much pride to beg someone to be in a relationship with me. he may or may not come back and i know i will deal with the situation either way but that is not where i am at at the moment.

yes i am going over and over the same things, and yes it does not help, but it is part of the process i am going through, i am extremely hurt and confused. unfortunately i cannot switch the heartache and hurt off, i wish it was that easy. i need to let go, am i am sure i will but at the moment and entitled to be confused, frustrated and also to let off steam.

as i said be for this all new to me and everyone deals with things differently and unfortunately at the moment venting on a forum to strangers and trying to seek answers is my way.

i am a strong and sensible person and will move on eventually.
 
J

jamesdean

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#27
Hi

:unsure: Hi casey. Have u heard the record by the sugarbabes "change" just when u feel like u've got your whole life planned!
 
casey

casey

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#28
no i hadn't, but i have now, just found it on youtube. very fitting song... the line 'you'd just have to make it through' hit home. thanks
 
Aahbut

Aahbut

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#29
Hi Casey, I hope you get this sorted out. I have depression and as someone already said, the length of episode goes from days to years, I believe the depth of episode is different as well. I can't say what your boyfriend is thinking, but can give you an idea from how I felt when I was at rock bottom.

You cannot cope with anything, and I mean anything. Your mind is so busy trying to work out what the hell has happened. All you want to do is crawl away in to a dark corner and be left alone. You crave silence and solitude. Emotionally all I felt was fear and anger, no love or happiness. You cry for no reason. The simple description is you are not rational, and nothing makes sense to you. This was a very bad episode, so he may not be feeling as bad, but he will have all of those feelings and more. I hope this is of some help to you, and will give you some insight in to depression.

I can recommend a book Depressive illness: The curse of the strong by Tim Cantopher

If you would like any more info please feel free to PM me.
 
J

jamesdean

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#30
Hi

:hug:There r always records that will help u i seem 2 find most of my answers from music there is music 4 everything what ever when ever n music just keeps reinventing itself. Lots of people like lots of differant music. It does seem like u r having a really difficult time. I read how u spoke about your man has thoughtful,fun&caring n y not just because some1 lives with depression dosent mean that they cannot love, i know i shouldnt 4 get theres been times when love is 2 much but i do n i think love is whot makes the world go round n its much better 4 a person 2 b:love: U had something special n understandably u r hurting. it takes time 2 heal dont expect it 2 happen over night. My advice is b there if he needs u but carry on best u can. so long has u just keep a space in your heart. marc bolan always said have a little marc in your heart. love n best wishes james x:flowers:
 
casey

casey

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#31
thank you Aahbut, your post did help. i have read Depressive Illness - the curse of the strong and it was really easy to read and really informative. I sent a copy to my partner this weekend, and i got a text saying thank you and that he will definitely read... i really hope he does.

thanks james, i find certain songs can really empathise how i am feeling. i will always be there for him and will always hold a place in my heart for him, just need to work on mending the rest of it. time is the greatest healer.

thanks again x
 

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