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depressed boyfriend

j_lol

j_lol

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May 31, 2008
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108
Perhaps now he knows you are concerned about him it's time to take a step back, throw your energy into other things and just give him some space. He knows that you care and will be there if he needs you. It doesn't mean you dont care or dont want to help him but you can't make him let you in, he has to realise it for himself. You can't let yourself lose sight of your own life and end up in downward spiral yourself.

Sooner or later he will realise what he has thrown away. and I'm sure he will be in contact. At the moment it will be very difficult for him to think rationally about the whole situation. He is a lucky man to have someone like you looking out for him and he will come to see that. Maybe even a text along those lines would be in order, just let him know you are there if he needs you but you are going to leave that choice up to him?

I just don't want you to end up making yourself ill with worry, it's so easy to do.

xxx
 
casey

casey

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thanks again j lol. i am trying to give him space and i will do as i know he needs it but it is so frustating. i need to start focusing on myself although i know that the hurt, worry, hope etc will not go away. he is aware that i am here for him and i love him, the rest is up to him. fingers crossed i am still thinking this way come the weekend as that is when it all hits home... again. thank you x
 
casey

casey

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i know this may not be an easy question to answer, as everyone is different, but on average how long does a depressive episode last? especially if someone does not seek help?

i completely understand that it is not my partner but the illness, but the way he is treating me at the moment is really cruel. i was the person he loved and was closest too. him cutting all contact with me is causing me so much pain. i know this may sound selfish and i am trying need to understand the reasons.

can anyone explain, or help me understand why (in some cases) the person closest to them is the person they push and cause so much hurt to. my world has fallen apart and i am still protecting him. i know this is because i love him and everyone is so reassuring but that he still loves me too, but does he? i can't see the light at the end of tunnel only more heart ache.
 
D

Dollit

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A depressive episode can last days, weeks, months or years. There is no time frame and each episode is different.

When I cut my family out after my diagnosis I did it because I couldn't cope with the stuff that goes with relationships of any kind. I had nothing to give and I retreated in order to protect my mind and look after myself. When you have a mental health problem you always have to come first. Ask any of the people here with mh problems who are also carers how hard it is to look after themselves because they have to also look after themselves.

You have to understand that you ex isn't trying to hurt you he's trying to protect himself.
 
casey

casey

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i understand that he needs to be selfish and looking after himself is all he can concentrate on, but it is the cruelty of his actions i am finding really difficult. i know he is not trying to hurt me but he is protecting himself, but when you are depressed do you lose all compasion too, and feel that being cruel (no matter the reason) is acceptable. sorry i am just wanting so much to help and support him, i have done nothing but be there for him and everything i am doing now and the hurt i am suffering is for him. sorry again, feeling extremely hurt and hard done by and it is not getting better (like everyone promised it would).
 
D

Dollit

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He isn't being cruel, he is protecting himself. You are interpreting his actions as cruel. If he is trying to protect you from his perceived instability that actually shows a great deal of compassion. I think perhaps you need to talk to a professional about this and get a different perspective on the situation.
 
casey

casey

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i know you are right and not being able to understand is my downfall. i preceive it as cruel because although he maybe trying to protect me he is unintentionally casuing me more heart ache and worry. there is nothing i can do for him, every effort i make is rejected. i am trying so hard to but i know i will not be able to. i just want to stop hurting, which is incredibly selfish considering what he is going through. i cannot even get angry at him.
 
D

Dollit

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This is hard for you but if he is rejecting your efforts then why not listen to that message. You're not doing yourself any favours by pursuing this and trying to get him to talk to you or get back with you. He knows you still care so leave it. You see if you are trying to get him to talk to you after he has asked you not to it can be construed in law as harrassment. Let him go. No one person should be the centre of your life, it's not realistic and it's not healthy. You are in danger of becoming obsessed by this. You're the centre of your universe, not him. Love hurts but just because it's not reciprocated for any reason doesn't mean to say it's the end of the world.
 
casey

casey

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i understand where you are coming from, but i just need to clarify that i am not harrassing him, not even slightly, he has also not asked me not to contact him, he told me i could, he just finds it hard to respond. i have seen and spoken to him once in over a month and have sent 2 text messages asking how he is. i do have his interest at heart and will not doing anything to cause him further pain, i just want to be able to help and support him. as much as i want this not to be happening i can not force anyone to do anything they do not wish to and it would his decision to come back, not mine.

i am on this forum to help me understand, get advise and also to vent so that i don't vent at him. he is not the centre of my life but means a hell of a lot to me and i hate that he is suffering. i am just trying to understand why he has done what he has done? he is extremely unwell and i am worried about him. yes love hurts, but a broken heart will mean but that does not stop the hurting now. i have been in relationships before which have ended and i survived, i was allowed to grieve, accept and get closure.

i know him and this is all new and unexpected to me as the person who told me he was going to spend the rest of his life with me has cut all contact overnight, so i think i am allowed to be confused, hurt and wanting to seek answers.

i apologise if my posts gave you the wrong impression and i appreciate your responses, you have been very helpful.
 
D

Dollit

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Your earlier posts do give me the impression that you're not letting go in any respect and that you have been getting in touch with him a lot more.

Unless you are in the position that he is in you will never understand his frame of mind of the way he has come to his decision. He has to deal with this in his own way. The fact it hurts you probably isn't something he's factored in deliberately. You also may have to accept the fact that he doesn't respond because maybe he doesn't want to right now.

If you want to help him then let him call the shots purely because you can't make someone have a relationship with you but you have to also understand that he may not come back to you and that's how you've got to approach life.

What you have got to accept is that change happens and there's not always a satisfactory answer, not an answer at all in some cases.

You are going over the same things time and time again and this will never help you move on. It's keeping you locked in your pain and frustration. Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is realize that we are powerless but it is also the best thing we can do.
 
casey

casey

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i appreciate to responses, but i do know this man, and he has been honested and opened up to me (not completely), so although i do not understand the depression, his frame of mind, his decision, i believe him when he says he does want contact but finds it difficult to talk and respond, so i don't push him. i have not told the full detail of my conversations with him before and after we broke upon this forum (something are personal). i understand you are responding on what i have put and again am sorry if i have given the wrong impression.

he is calling the shots and i am respecting his decision by backing off, but again that does not make it not hurt. i also have too much pride to beg someone to be in a relationship with me. he may or may not come back and i know i will deal with the situation either way but that is not where i am at at the moment.

yes i am going over and over the same things, and yes it does not help, but it is part of the process i am going through, i am extremely hurt and confused. unfortunately i cannot switch the heartache and hurt off, i wish it was that easy. i need to let go, am i am sure i will but at the moment and entitled to be confused, frustrated and also to let off steam.

as i said be for this all new to me and everyone deals with things differently and unfortunately at the moment venting on a forum to strangers and trying to seek answers is my way.

i am a strong and sensible person and will move on eventually.
 
J

jamesdean

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Hi

:unsure: Hi casey. Have u heard the record by the sugarbabes "change" just when u feel like u've got your whole life planned!
 
casey

casey

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no i hadn't, but i have now, just found it on youtube. very fitting song... the line 'you'd just have to make it through' hit home. thanks
 
Aahbut

Aahbut

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Jan 28, 2008
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Hi Casey, I hope you get this sorted out. I have depression and as someone already said, the length of episode goes from days to years, I believe the depth of episode is different as well. I can't say what your boyfriend is thinking, but can give you an idea from how I felt when I was at rock bottom.

You cannot cope with anything, and I mean anything. Your mind is so busy trying to work out what the hell has happened. All you want to do is crawl away in to a dark corner and be left alone. You crave silence and solitude. Emotionally all I felt was fear and anger, no love or happiness. You cry for no reason. The simple description is you are not rational, and nothing makes sense to you. This was a very bad episode, so he may not be feeling as bad, but he will have all of those feelings and more. I hope this is of some help to you, and will give you some insight in to depression.

I can recommend a book Depressive illness: The curse of the strong by Tim Cantopher

If you would like any more info please feel free to PM me.
 
J

jamesdean

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Hi

:hug:There r always records that will help u i seem 2 find most of my answers from music there is music 4 everything what ever when ever n music just keeps reinventing itself. Lots of people like lots of differant music. It does seem like u r having a really difficult time. I read how u spoke about your man has thoughtful,fun&caring n y not just because some1 lives with depression dosent mean that they cannot love, i know i shouldnt 4 get theres been times when love is 2 much but i do n i think love is whot makes the world go round n its much better 4 a person 2 b:love: U had something special n understandably u r hurting. it takes time 2 heal dont expect it 2 happen over night. My advice is b there if he needs u but carry on best u can. so long has u just keep a space in your heart. marc bolan always said have a little marc in your heart. love n best wishes james x:flowers:
 
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