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depressed and suicidal

Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
I've never been diagnosed with depression (except for relocational depression 6 years ago) and I usually say I don't have it... I'll just say that I have low moods and that I have the ability to be happy and I haven't been diagnosed etc etc But idk at what point I can sit myself down and genuinely say I am 100% depressed rather than having low moods. I thought it was bad, but it's been worse after my friend committed suicide. The stress of uni is just beating me up on top of it all. When I am not feeling depressed, I'll be apathetic. I used to care more about people, but now I don't give a shit. I don't have the energy or patience. I am not a very nice person anymore. I don't know if I care enough to want to be nice. I am just trying to survive here when my emotions are trying to swallow me up

It's weird how the idea of death used to seem so taboo. But now the idea of it seems normal. It just seems like something I have to do one of these days. It used to just be just suicidal thoughts, but I am slowly edging towards getting intent. The internal barrier that used to keep me from doing it seems to be breaking down. I don't see what's so bad about it anymore. I know there are people who love and care for me, but I just don't seem to care anymore. I don't want to keep being alive just for the sake of other people. I am crying more that I can't actually go and die rather than because I get these suicidal feelings if that makes sense. I am a coward.

I am getting paranoid too. I feel like there's someone behind my door. I can hear someone breathing

I know this is just crazy talk, but I don't know anymore. I am seeing a therapist and talking can be nice, but I feel like it's not enough to help me with everything
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
792
Location
California, USA
I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. It's good that you are seeing a therapist, but if you are really veering into suicidal thoughts, you should tell someone you trust. From what you are saying here, it sounds like you are very depressed. Do you have a doctor that can prescribe an antidepressant? They take awhile to work, but for many people (me!) they help enormously. You are not a coward, but you need to be brave now, and seek help.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
So sorry you feel that way.
It’s good that you are aware of the changes you are experiencing. There must be a crisis phone number in your area. It’s a good idea to have it handy and please don’t hesitate to call and speak with someone. You shouldn’t burden yourself with worries other than your wellbeing at this time.

Like Victorianna said, tell someone you trust about how you feel. Talk and don’t hold things until it builds in your chest and mind.

I really hope you feel better soon.
 
Sorry state

Sorry state

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Joined
May 18, 2019
Messages
129
Location
Hampshire
Sorry you are feeling so bad. I'm in a similar place at the moment.
I have always been wary of taking medication but eventually gave in. I think the one thing that is keeping me going in my lowest, darkest moments are my antidepressants. I think they give me a slightly more stable base to seek help and build from. Go to see your GP, be completely honest and open. They take a little while to kick in so go asap.
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
One of my close friends knows about how I've been suicidal, though I don't think she knows how easy it is for me start getting suicidal (ex. after a silly argument, I start getting depressed and get suicidal the next day and I'll refuse to talk to anyone).

I am not sure about antidepressants... Would it be expensive? What about the side effects? I don't think my family would support it. A few years back when my parents found out I was suicidal, they told me I was an attention seeker and that if I had to start taking medications for a weak mind, I'd be an embarrassment :/ I wouldn't be able to take the meds and lie to them either
 
Sorry state

Sorry state

Well-known member
Joined
May 18, 2019
Messages
129
Location
Hampshire
Hi midnight, sorry your parents are not more supportive or understanding. If you are in the UK meds are only the cost of an NHS prescription (£9?). Can you go to see a doctor without your parents or try and find out what support is available in your area?
SS
 
lilbit

lilbit

Member
Joined
May 3, 2018
Messages
21
Location
London
Hi Midnight,

I'm sorry that your family aren't very supportive with this, it can make you feel much more isolated when you really need understanding from those close to you.

Like you I was anxious about taking medication and had lots of unanswered questions. An alternative method that one GP suggested was attending a CBT course. I did this in group sessions and actually found it hugely helpful. It helps you to focus and stop the habit of negative thought. There's obviously more too it than that, but if you're wary of meds or not ready to take that option then CBT is something to consider in the meantime. Just Google it, there are plenty of articles and books to read if you're not keen on face to face or group sessions.

Hope you feel better soon xx
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
792
Location
California, USA
One of my close friends knows about how I've been suicidal, though I don't think she knows how easy it is for me start getting suicidal (ex. after a silly argument, I start getting depressed and get suicidal the next day and I'll refuse to talk to anyone).

I am not sure about antidepressants... Would it be expensive? What about the side effects? I don't think my family would support it. A few years back when my parents found out I was suicidal, they told me I was an attention seeker and that if I had to start taking medications for a weak mind, I'd be an embarrassment :/ I wouldn't be able to take the meds and lie to them either
Are you at a university? Often they will have a student health service - does yours? If you are over 18, I think you can get treatment without your parent's permission.
I'm not sure about the expense. Mine isn't expensive (Zoloft) and I have had no side effects from it, but a doctor can tell you more about this kind of information. I think the first step is to get a diagnosis.
I'm so sorry your parents say things like you are an attention seeker, etc. That is completely unsupportive of them! You have to ignore comments like that. I'm glad you have a friend you can confide in.
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
I am studying abroad and I have been able to get free counselling from my uni.. it helps sometimes, but I feel like I get too suicidal in-between sessions. I just wonder if I'll need medication to help me get through my days. I can get very busy so it's hard to see my counseller on a regular basis. I am at home for the summer so I can't get any help at the moment.. Since my friend died, nothing feels real anymore. I am just waiting to wake up from this bad dream, you know? I haven't been taking good care of myself and my family has noticed. They're currently trying to get me to drink more water and do less stress eating
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
Hi Midnight,

I'm sorry that your family aren't very supportive with this, it can make you feel much more isolated when you really need understanding from those close to you.

Like you I was anxious about taking medication and had lots of unanswered questions. An alternative method that one GP suggested was attending a CBT course. I did this in group sessions and actually found it hugely helpful. It helps you to focus and stop the habit of negative thought. There's obviously more too it than that, but if you're wary of meds or not ready to take that option then CBT is something to consider in the meantime. Just Google it, there are plenty of articles and books to read if you're not keen on face to face or group sessions.

Hope you feel better soon xx
I've thought about group sessions for awhile. I don't like one on one sessions all the time because I am very socially awkward and there's a lot of silences because I don't know what to say. At the same time, I don't know if I can open up and be vulnerable in front of a bunch of strangers. I also have a hectic schedule when I am in uni so there's that :(
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
792
Location
California, USA
I am at home for the summer so I can't get any help at the moment.
If you have a long time to go before getting back to your university, and you are really doing poorly, it might be that you have to see a doctor while you are at home.
I’m sorry that your parents aren’t more supportive. Have you talked to them about how severe your depression is? They sound like they care about you, and want you to be doing better. Not taking care of yourself is a symptom of depression - can you explain this to them?
But if they refuse to accept it - then you ARE an adult now. They shouldn’t be able to stop you from getting the help you need.
Are you feeling any better since you got home? I do hope you are taking care of yourself. Maybe the change of locations will help, some.
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
If you have a long time to go before getting back to your university, and you are really doing poorly, it might be that you have to see a doctor while you are at home.
I’m sorry that your parents aren’t more supportive. Have you talked to them about how severe your depression is? They sound like they care about you, and want you to be doing better. Not taking care of yourself is a symptom of depression - can you explain this to them?
But if they refuse to accept it - then you ARE an adult now. They shouldn’t be able to stop you from getting the help you need.
Are you feeling any better since you got home? I do hope you are taking care of yourself. Maybe the change of locations will help, some.
Hey @Victorianna sorry for replying so late! I am on/off these forums a lot. I’ve had a negative experience with my family regarding my mental health, so we just pretend everything is okay. They still care about me, but they’re Asian and still got traditional views .-. (ex they called me weak minded and that meditation would just magically take my depression away).

I am fine for now. It’s hard that I have to pretend everything is okay, but I don’t mind. It’s nice to have a place where people aren’t constantly checking up on me when I suddenly go quiet. I like being with my family when we’re not fighting.

My problem at the moment is motivation to go back to my school. I don’t know if the career path I am on right now is going to make me happy. I am too far in to quit now though, and my parents are pushing me. But I think maybe I am just depressed and unmotivated in general rather than the problem being what I am studying.
 
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