depressed and suicidal

Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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Jul 15, 2018
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181
#1
I've never been diagnosed with depression (except for relocational depression 6 years ago) and I usually say I don't have it... I'll just say that I have low moods and that I have the ability to be happy and I haven't been diagnosed etc etc But idk at what point I can sit myself down and genuinely say I am 100% depressed rather than having low moods. I thought it was bad, but it's been worse after my friend committed suicide. The stress of uni is just beating me up on top of it all. When I am not feeling depressed, I'll be apathetic. I used to care more about people, but now I don't give a shit. I don't have the energy or patience. I am not a very nice person anymore. I don't know if I care enough to want to be nice. I am just trying to survive here when my emotions are trying to swallow me up

It's weird how the idea of death used to seem so taboo. But now the idea of it seems normal. It just seems like something I have to do one of these days. It used to just be just suicidal thoughts, but I am slowly edging towards getting intent. The internal barrier that used to keep me from doing it seems to be breaking down. I don't see what's so bad about it anymore. I know there are people who love and care for me, but I just don't seem to care anymore. I don't want to keep being alive just for the sake of other people. I am crying more that I can't actually go and die rather than because I get these suicidal feelings if that makes sense. I am a coward.

I am getting paranoid too. I feel like there's someone behind my door. I can hear someone breathing

I know this is just crazy talk, but I don't know anymore. I am seeing a therapist and talking can be nice, but I feel like it's not enough to help me with everything
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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#2
I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. It's good that you are seeing a therapist, but if you are really veering into suicidal thoughts, you should tell someone you trust. From what you are saying here, it sounds like you are very depressed. Do you have a doctor that can prescribe an antidepressant? They take awhile to work, but for many people (me!) they help enormously. You are not a coward, but you need to be brave now, and seek help.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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Jan 12, 2019
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#3
So sorry you feel that way.
It’s good that you are aware of the changes you are experiencing. There must be a crisis phone number in your area. It’s a good idea to have it handy and please don’t hesitate to call and speak with someone. You shouldn’t burden yourself with worries other than your wellbeing at this time.

Like Victorianna said, tell someone you trust about how you feel. Talk and don’t hold things until it builds in your chest and mind.

I really hope you feel better soon.
 
S

Sorry state

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May 18, 2019
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Hampshire
#4
Sorry you are feeling so bad. I'm in a similar place at the moment.
I have always been wary of taking medication but eventually gave in. I think the one thing that is keeping me going in my lowest, darkest moments are my antidepressants. I think they give me a slightly more stable base to seek help and build from. Go to see your GP, be completely honest and open. They take a little while to kick in so go asap.
 
Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

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#5
One of my close friends knows about how I've been suicidal, though I don't think she knows how easy it is for me start getting suicidal (ex. after a silly argument, I start getting depressed and get suicidal the next day and I'll refuse to talk to anyone).

I am not sure about antidepressants... Would it be expensive? What about the side effects? I don't think my family would support it. A few years back when my parents found out I was suicidal, they told me I was an attention seeker and that if I had to start taking medications for a weak mind, I'd be an embarrassment :/ I wouldn't be able to take the meds and lie to them either
 
S

Sorry state

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Hampshire
#6
Hi midnight, sorry your parents are not more supportive or understanding. If you are in the UK meds are only the cost of an NHS prescription (£9?). Can you go to see a doctor without your parents or try and find out what support is available in your area?
SS
 
lilbit

lilbit

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May 3, 2018
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London
#7
Hi Midnight,

I'm sorry that your family aren't very supportive with this, it can make you feel much more isolated when you really need understanding from those close to you.

Like you I was anxious about taking medication and had lots of unanswered questions. An alternative method that one GP suggested was attending a CBT course. I did this in group sessions and actually found it hugely helpful. It helps you to focus and stop the habit of negative thought. There's obviously more too it than that, but if you're wary of meds or not ready to take that option then CBT is something to consider in the meantime. Just Google it, there are plenty of articles and books to read if you're not keen on face to face or group sessions.

Hope you feel better soon xx
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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California, USA
#8
One of my close friends knows about how I've been suicidal, though I don't think she knows how easy it is for me start getting suicidal (ex. after a silly argument, I start getting depressed and get suicidal the next day and I'll refuse to talk to anyone).

I am not sure about antidepressants... Would it be expensive? What about the side effects? I don't think my family would support it. A few years back when my parents found out I was suicidal, they told me I was an attention seeker and that if I had to start taking medications for a weak mind, I'd be an embarrassment :/ I wouldn't be able to take the meds and lie to them either
Are you at a university? Often they will have a student health service - does yours? If you are over 18, I think you can get treatment without your parent's permission.
I'm not sure about the expense. Mine isn't expensive (Zoloft) and I have had no side effects from it, but a doctor can tell you more about this kind of information. I think the first step is to get a diagnosis.
I'm so sorry your parents say things like you are an attention seeker, etc. That is completely unsupportive of them! You have to ignore comments like that. I'm glad you have a friend you can confide in.
 

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