Depressed and Feeling Inadequate to My Loved Ones

[lonergirl14]

I have been struggling with my depression so much. I can go through my day focusing on minor distractions and my many blessings to put on a smile. But in all reality, I am so sad it physically hurts. I can't put any reasoning or understanding as to why I am going through the many heartaches and tragedies that I have in my life. I know I can't give up because the man who saved my life, who I am about to talk about, deserves more respect than that.. Recently my boyfriend passed away, he was good friends with my dad for many years and also friends with my brother. We had just started seeing each other so it was super fresh and we were getting to know each other, despite those facts I felt like I had known him forever. Being as amazing of a person as he was, I still can't make any sense of it. Especially because he was literally nursing me back to reality and health after suicide ideation and two unsuccessful attempts of mine. I feel like I should have been the one to die. I should be the one in the grave. But I know how vain and "poor me" that sounds. I had been doing well with keeping my mindset on whatever I could do to make SURE his death was not in vain. I still have those desires and want to follow through with it. I love and respect that man so much. He changed my life. I am grateful and I am heart-broken. I know if he had a say he would be here with me and that is all that matters in the end. I just wish I could see him again.

My reason for this post is to vent a little. Let me say first I absolutely love and adore my family, each and every one of them. I have always been more apt to not talk about any struggles regarding any of them because I am very protective of our relationships. I never want to hurt them or gossip about them. But this is an anonymous page so I think of it as a safe space to speak without anyone knowing who I am.... I am grateful for a site like this.

I guess I just keep having paranoia and confusion around what others intentions are for me. I know I am an adult and I am in control of my own life... But I have always given so much thought and worry to what my parents want me to do. This was particularly hard because I am an addict and have struggled most my life with fighting this disease. This desire to be accepted by my parents is and always has caused me to have incredibly low self-esteem. Mind you, my parents have always been there for me the best they could and have always shown love. I am not naive to the fact that I am a hard person to love, let alone be my parent? It has to be tough.

I often feel like they are ashamed of me... I was unable to go to the funeral of my boyfriend that I mentioned earlier because I was in a short-term psych ward to get on medication and get stable. I had been okay'd by the doctors to leave on a Friday, which would have allowed me to go to the funeral the next day... I talked to my mom on the phone about it and they had come to the conclusion that it would be too hard for me and I should just wait until Monday to be released. I do know that I am 26 years old and I could have just checked myself out and gone. But with all the family ties and everything I did not want to cause any problems and I wanted to show the utmost respect to my boyfriend and his family. So I stayed until Monday. Which has been super hard for me because I feel like the reason they didn't want me to go was because they were embarrassed in some way? Which I don't know for a fact but its what I feel.

There are just some things where they are very concerned about my younger sister and they don't want her to move out. (neither do I) she is in an abusive relationship and she wont leave her boyfriend. But I guess my point of that is they let them both live here while this dude literally is a total jack-ass, has ZERO respect for my parents let alone anyone else in the house. My sister works and is responsible and all around good person, so nothing I say here has to do with her against me... Its just if that was me, they wouldn't allow it. I haven't been able to live at their house in years and even when I was struggling so hard and just wanted to come home they wouldn't let me because they said it was too hard on the girls (my 3 younger sisters).. But the catch here is HER BOYFRIEND IS AN ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT TOO! So they wouldn't let me stay when it would have been short term and pretty much saved me from so much pain and heartache of being homeless because of my addiction. But they will let someone who isn't even part of our fucking family and has an addiction to live here continuously. It just seems like rules apply differently to different kids. On top of that when I was dating someone they told me that I couldn't have him staying the night, fine ok, but I am 26 and that just seems contradictory to other who can have their s/o LIVE HERE. Just doesn't make any sense to me. I do understand them being scared that if they kick him out she will go with and something bad might happen... But how come they weren't worried about me and all the bad shit that was happening to me when I didn't have anywhere else to go or I was stuck in a super abusive relationship... They literally just didn't see it first-hand so I guess its different to them. I have no idea. I just know there were many times that I wanted to leave him and just get on a plane, and my parents advice was to go to a womens and childrens shelter. Which was fucking horrible and the most depressing place to be ever. I still can't get the way that place made me feel out of my mind...

I know I need to work through all of this with a therapist, I get that. I just needed to get this shit out because it starts coming out sideways at my family and I don't want that. At the end of the day they are my parents and I will love them regardless. It just feels like I am going to have to put some distance there and not let my mom have as much of an impression on me and the decisions I make. It goes back to wanting to be accepted and just doing whatever I could to make them happy but then at the end of the day I am just seen as this addict who is a total fuck up loser and I don't feel like they see that all I wanted was a place to call home all those years. (I lived in different facilities and starting at the age of 15 and moved out at 18) I know I probably am just being immature about all this but I do think others would feel the same. It would be one thing if my sibling wasn't an adult but we both are. It just makes me feel like I am pretty much expected to keep fending for myself out in this shitty world and that if anything bad or uncomfortable happens to any of my other siblings they will be right there to help them. I do think they helped me the best they could and I am so grateful for that. I truly am. But at the end of the day fuck this fucking loser that is disrespecting the shit out of my parents. I would never allow any dude to sit around and live off my parents not doing a fucking thing and outright disrespecting the home that is THEIR'S!

Its just crazy to me... And the fact that they wont just sit him down and tell him what the fuck is up. It is because they say that it will just cause more problems for my sister and he will take it out on her... But honestly I hear the fights... Half the time it is her wanting to fight with him because she doesn't truly like him. she just thinks she does.. and I've been there. I have.. It's not an easy thing to fix and there isn't a set answer. But I swear I will end up punching this loser in his damn face.

I have faith she will figure it all out. She is amazing and worth so much more than this.

I must give her the same respect to let her make her own choices, as I did mine. I just want to badly to protect her and show her how beautiful learning to be alone really can be. Although, it took me years to figure it out and it still is a struggle for me as I am typing on this site right now and currently still on social media...

I guess family is just hard, and there are so many different emotions going on for me. I am still trying to get myself healthy and finally on medication for my depression again. So maybe most of the shit I just word-vomited was just me feeling certain ways because I am really depressed, grieving my boyfriend who just passed, and desperately working on staying clean and sober.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!
Much Love,
Parker

 

[EclipticNight]

I know how you feel. My parents are also amazing people, the only ones who ever stuck up for me but even i get annoyed with them. My sisters were treated differently as well, i dont think its deliberate. You are the oldest yes? Your the first child to run into issues and thus the first time they run into a child with issues of that sort. Im the youngest. I was the only boy however.

The story about your boyfriend really resonates. During my darkest years i watched videos of people dieing. I never felt a thing, just cold and alone. One day a 12 year old took her life and it absolutely destroyed me. I didnt just feel it was like a train hit me. She pulled me out of that abyss with her sacrafise believing no one would ever remember her. I swore that would not happen and so from time to time i talk to her. To this day her memory, the memory of a kid i never knew, keeps me from falling back into that darkness.

You should not feel bad about the funeral. Lets look at it from all sides. If your an atheist he never knew. If you are like me and you dont know what to believe then what comes next would apply. If there is an afterlife of some kind he would know where you were. If the laws of nature apply he may have spent that day with you and not at his funeral, if ghostly laws apply he could be at both. No matter how you look at it he knows how you feel. I encourage you to talk to him and say all you need to so you can work on letting go. When darkness takes hold his memory can be your guide.

If you need anything feel free to message me. Id be happy to chat to keep your mind off things.

 

[Jrchmn]

In your post you say maybe your immature but seem to be looking at things from a very mature point of view and trying to understand.
if understanding is important to you try putting your self in each of their shoes. Your sister for example. Knowing you are an addict and a good person is she believing her boyfriend is the same?
Your parents do the see this boyfriend as your sister having an addiction by proxy? Perhaps they regret some of the choices they made regarding you and don’t want to repeat the mistakes with her. Perhaps they can’t offer you a safety net because they know there home isn’t a safe place with this man there.

 

[lonergirl14]

In your post you say maybe your immature but seem to be looking at things from a very mature point of view and trying to understand.
if understanding is important to you try putting your self in each of their shoes. Your sister for example. Knowing you are an addict and a good person is she believing her boyfriend is the same?
Your parents do the see this boyfriend as your sister having an addiction by proxy? Perhaps they regret some of the choices they made regarding you and don’t want to repeat the mistakes with her. Perhaps they can’t offer you a safety net because they know there home isn’t a safe place with this man there.

Beautiful insight, thank you so much for your generous response. It means a lot and doesn't go unheard. I feel much better thinking that way and needed to hear that perspective to gain some. Much Love.

 

[lonergirl14]

I know how you feel. My parents are also amazing people, the only ones who ever stuck up for me but even i get annoyed with them. My sisters were treated differently as well, i dont think its deliberate. You are the oldest yes? Your the first child to run into issues and thus the first time they run into a child with issues of that sort. Im the youngest. I was the only boy however.

The story about your boyfriend really resonates. During my darkest years i watched videos of people dieing. I never felt a thing, just cold and alone. One day a 12 year old took her life and it absolutely destroyed me. I didnt just feel it was like a train hit me. She pulled me out of that abyss with her sacrafise believing no one would ever remember her. I swore that would not happen and so from time to time i talk to her. To this day her memory, the memory of a kid i never knew, keeps me from falling back into that darkness.

You should not feel bad about the funeral. Lets look at it from all sides. If your an atheist he never knew. If you are like me and you dont know what to believe then what comes next would apply. If there is an afterlife of some kind he would know where you were. If the laws of nature apply he may have spent that day with you and not at his funeral, if ghostly laws apply he could be at both. No matter how you look at it he knows how you feel. I encourage you to talk to him and say all you need to so you can work on letting go. When darkness takes hold his memory can be your guide.

If you need anything feel free to message me. Id be happy to chat to keep your mind off things.

Lovely thoughts and thank you so much for opening up about your own experiences. I felt every word you wrote. Your insight is eye opening and made me really think. I did feel his presence the day of the funeral, I recall talking to my mother that night on the phone and telling her that. I felt him wrapping me up in one of his warm and loving hugs. Thank you so much for reminding me.

I as well am always here if you need someone to talk to.
Thank you again and much love.