Depressed and Confused

J

jfnj123

New member
Joined
Mar 13, 2014
Messages
2
Hi. First off I'm not sure why I'm posting here. I'm thinking probably just so I can get these thoughts out there then thinking and rethinking the mess I call my life.
I'm depressed 24/7. If you met me you'd never know it because I've hid problems my whole life. Reason that it's driving mad is that I've never had as much stress as I'm dealing with currently along w being so depressed.
I'll try and make this quick but here's the situation. I'm 45 years old. Married with three children. My children are beautiful people and the kindest most caring kids. Well at least to everyone they come in contact with except for me and my wife, their mother. Now I blame myself and also my wife for this cause we have always went above and beyond to give the kids everything they wanted, nice house, nice furniture, cell phones, trips to Disney, the latest toys, video games, signing them up for all sorts of activities, sports, etc. I think we have over compensated both out of guilt because we have had a rocky relationship and the kids probably have been exposed to unneeded stress of hearing our fights, disagreements and such. I grew up around that until my parents divorced and always vowed i wouldn't fight around them but we have. We have not seen things through either in most cases when it comes to discipline and punishment out of guilt also. We always give in.
My wife and I have been together for last 15 years and been married for 8 of those. I feel I just settled when it came to my marriage mostly due to my wife getting pregnant and feeling obligated more than in love with her. Sounds mean probably but I know she didn't get the best of deals w settling for me either. We had a rocky relationship from the start. I can honestly say I don't really remember what I saw in my wife originally cause when we met I had better relationships with other woman I was seeing but ended up staying with her. I was always faithful and good to her despite my unhappiness. That was until a fee years back when I had a 2 year affair. The affair was 100 % sexual and was with a woman stuck on similar situation to mine. She was also my age while my wife was 8 years younger than me. I felt horrible because I had these three beautiful children and a wife who I provided for despite my being unhappy. It was my low self esteem, my spending 50-70 hours a week working and the fact that this woman always was stunning, turning heads, had a warm heart and clicked with me sexually. Half way through the affair I had a near death car accident and had a severe injury that has left me partially disabled.
So now here I am in poor health, in the midst of a torrid affair, in a unhappy marriage. My depression set in big time. Being stuck in the hospital for a month and rehab to follow made me sink into a dark despair. I've never not felt like I was not in control of my life.
So a year after recovering and a year longer into my affair here I was partially disabled, depressed, on the verge of loosing my job, in a horrible marriage. I didn't know what to do.
My wife found out about the affair through checking my credit cards and cell phone. She threatened to leave and still does 2 years later. Constantly threatening me. I begged her to stay cause I didn't want to live without my kids.
We moved on as much as we could. Moved to a new town, I was laid off and gonna look at new opportunities, my affair was over. Now a few years later and I am still miserable, my wife is miserable, I pretend to care for her but she sees through my act. I'm still out of work, have been out on disability, an only 45, feel like I'm the biggest loser in the world. My kids don't respect me yet I know they love me. I have no male friends since all my friends where either work related or clients mine. So without work, friends and in a horrible marriage I don't feel worthy of life. I provide for my family that's about all I do. I don't see any end in site and just pray daily my wife won't threaten to leave me and take my kids and pray daily we can have a peaceful day where no one argues and I can maybe breath easy for once. I guess this is my life.
 
T

Tad76

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 25, 2014
Messages
98
Location
Durham UK
Hello & welcome to the forum :)
So sorry for all that you have been through, i think though you need to give yourself a pat
on the back for coming this far,once your head is in the right place, you will be able to function
better and decide what is right for you. Alot of children are similar, always a pain in the butt for
their parents lol we bend over backwards to keep them happy, but dont beat yourself up about it
you done your best and have always provided for them, most kids do hit the stage where they must think
"omg this is life after school" i know my son does, i spoilt him alot,but hes realised now (hes 19) weve
gotta work hard if we want certain things in life and he cant be wrapped up in cotton wool forever
by his mam...its hard when they get older too, you kinda feel you're not needed no more,when the
truth is alot different....all i can say is give yourself time to heal, you have come through an awful
lot and we all make mistakes, me most of all, but we can move on from them at some point with
time & patience....i think you're a bloody good person, and to stick by your partner is fantastic,
but at the end of the day, you gotta do whats right for you and by not being able to do that, i think its bringing you down
even more :/ Have you ever thought of some kind of therapy to help get it all out? and you can always come on here
for a rant or to share your feelings, us lot on here get by on bad days with this forum :) All the best
to you, im here if you need to chat (sorry if i ever say the wrong thing) x
 
T

Tad76

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 25, 2014
Messages
98
Location
Durham UK
PS...was meant to say, most families argue & fight, my mum n dad were like 2 cats in a fight
at times,but it done me no harm,if anything its done me a favour because im not scared of confrontation n all
that (now i sound like i love trouble lol but far from it lol) but i can jump into an argument and sort
it out wherw others can be scared n walk away, i think if we try find a plus out of every negative
it can help us progress more x
 
J

jfnj123

New member
Joined
Mar 13, 2014
Messages
2
Hi Tad76. Thanks for your input. I really do appreciate it. I'm not one to voice these things normally whether it be on a forum to a family member. I am going to look into some therapy and do know that's a good start. Again I don't want anyone to ever thing I'm not taking any accountability for my screw ups. I am far from perfect but have always tried to do the right thing or correct my mistakes. Thanks again.
 

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