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Depressed and confused and more...

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Rob2001

Member
Joined
May 8, 2009
Messages
6
My name is Rob and I'm a 20 year old male.
By biggest concern is my brain. There's always something that I worry about, something that I did wrong and wonder why I did it.
I am very forgetful; short-term memory but even shorter than that. For example, I will be typing something and I tell myself what to say in the next sentence/section and when I finish my sentence and I'm about to type what I had on my mind <b>I forget</b>. I just loose track. Same thing when I'm talking with someone in person...
and speaking of talking in person, I am VERY terrible at it. When someone asks me a question, I hear them, but for some reason their words can't get into the thinking-circle of my head. They get to my ears and no further. Therefore, I end up delaying my answer or I fumble with a response.

That's just part of my problem...
(by the way, all of my problems and concerns seem to gradually be getting worse over the years) and again, I had what I was going to say but I forgot >.<
It feels as if I'm becoming mentally retarded and I always beat myself up over it. Oh, and now I remember - depression. I've been depressed for a long time now, getting worse as said above.
I have the worst self-image. I always think "what is that person thinking of me" when I notice them walk by, and "should I have a harder stare when I walk by to give myself a better impression towards them? Maybe I should straighten my upper lip, or maybe I should try to appeare to look more happy".
Come to think of it, when I have those times when I forget what I'm about to say next, I think it's because I keep thinking of something else to say, like as if I get way ahead of myself. I dunno, I just feel so messed up.
Oh, and I sometimes mix up words that sound familiar, both in writing and speech...(I wrote "took" instead of "lip").

Always trying to find out why I feel this way, I've been googling phrases such as "foggy mind" or "can't think straight" every time it really gets to me but I can never find anything that sounds like me when topics like that go into detail.
That's why I'm writing this; since I cannot simply find the answer I decided to describe what's going on in my head to the world to get a much more accurate answer.

This just came to mind... I always think about going to the doctors and explaining my "condition", and sometimes when I'm walking home from work I actually have a conversation with myself, talking to a doctor, 95% of me doing all the speaking but I just know that I can't do it in person.
Typing it is much easier, that way I have time to stop and think. But if I'm talking about it with someone there isn't too much time to stop and think - I feel, that when I do stop talking because I can't figure out what to say next, that the person is judging me in a negative manner, such as "wtf is wrong with this kid...he says a sentence and stops for several seconds and then fumbles with his next words. I can't even piece together everything he's trying to say because he's all over the place".
God, I feel like I am all over the place with what I'm saying, with all this text and everything..

okay, what next...
I'll try to explain more of the physical symptoms that I feel are going on in my brain. Basically, my brain feels foggy, sluggish, as if I've been smoking dope for over 50 years. Speaking of dope, I got into it when I was maybe about 16 or 17 years old but I never did it very often. Nowadays I'll smoke just a bit maybe 2 or 3 times a year. And I feel I should mention that for some reason I think it possibly may be the pot that's making me feel this way, but at the same time I don't. I think it might be the pot because in the first year of smoking I always ended up getting "too-baked", meaning I would start to freak out yet keep to myself at the same time. I would just sit there feeling scared and I never really enjoyed it.
Back to the physical symptoms, it feels as if the right side (my right) of my brain, around my temple and eye, are dead. It just feels old and saggy but IN my head. I also have a bit of a droopy eyelid on my right eye, and it stands out more when I'm over tired/baked.

I'll explain more about a condition I have though I doubt it relates to any of this...
I have something called Marfan's syndrome (not going into detail about it, just google it...) but it's a connective tissue disorder and it causes you to be tall and skinny, and almost everyone who has it has some sort of heart problem.
Myself, I'm about 6'1'' 120lbs and I have an abnormal heart beat.
Can't say if my brain concerns started to occure before I was diagnosed but I honestly don't think it has much to do with Marfan's, except that I some times get down when I think about it.

I have difficulties identifieing myself; who I am, why I can't socialize with more than a sentence, why I'm depressed and all over the place :(
EVERY time that when I'm in a good/happy mood, that I can very well notice, I will just about instantly feel normal (MY normal, which is depressed, etc.) for no apparent reason. I can stay happy from just afew minutes to roughly a couple of hours, and then my mood just literally crashes and I feel like shit again, doesn't matter what I'm doing or thinking. I can be walking, happy and carefree and my mood will just fade away, within 30 seconds tops.
Maybe something does jump into my mind that causes my mood to crash, but I can never recall me thinking of anything at those times. Maybe it's just sooo small that I don't notice it.

One more thing, whether it helps you guys help me or not, I feel I need to say it because I'm getting pretty desperate for an answer here and because, from what I know, it's VERY unusual:
I began masturbating in kindergarden. Yes, kindergarten, at least. That's my earliest memory, so who knows, maybe I did it before then.

Was just going to end this but one more quick thing...
I've been working nights at SuperStore since August 1st, '09 so maybe not seeing much of the sun plays a roll in this?
And, when I'm doing something rather strenuous or physical, something that really gets me going, sometimes I feel that it's literally putting stress on my brain, causing my brain cells to die or something weird like that, or maybe it's all just anxiety? I dunno, but I really gotta stop typing now, need to get some sleep.
I also smoke (cigarettes), started when I was about 17.

So to sum this all up into afew words I feel depressed, over-whelmed at times, anti-social almost 24/7 (part of which I'm sure is natural), lonely, bad self-image.

Anyways, sorry for the long read but I hope it pays off!
Any bit of information is appriciated, and if you can't say anything then that's fine, thanks alot for at least taking the time to read this!
 
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jamesdean

Guest
Hi I just psoted you a reply n the bloody broadband went down so its lost!
Basically I was saying that its good that you have found this forum we are a very supportive community and possiably whot most people will tell you to do is print this page and take it to your gp has a good starting point.
Keep posting and I hope that you can get involved with the forum and this in itself could be of benifit to you to hear other peoples experiences.

The only bit that I can relate to with the brain is before I took ad's when I would ly down it would almost feel like my brain would fall to the back of my head it was weird n hard to exolain thank god it dosent happen no more you need to get this sorted depression can take on all sorts of different directions no two people are the same.
Take care Frank
 
M

mxm

Guest
i wish you the same as him, wish i was more intelligable but i am unfortunalty caught up with being b?lloxed


:tea:
 
R

Rob2001

Member
Joined
May 8, 2009
Messages
6
Thank you for the warm welcome and advice. I think printing what I wrote and showing it to my doctor is probably the best idea.
Today I feel much better. I had a good night at work and didn't feel like I was in a bubble unlike the other day when I posted this. Mild mood swing maybe? I'm not sure, but I will take your advice and show this to my doctor.
Thanks again, Rob
 
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