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Denial

J

jently

New member
Joined
Aug 28, 2010
Messages
3
So, I was diagnosed with BPD in 2010 was put on a waiting list for DBT (never heard anything) and then somehow went into complete denial.......totally forgot that I had even been diagnosed, just took meds for anxiety and jogged along for the last ten years until two weeks ago out of the blue received a text from Talkworks the local CBT facility asking if I was coping ok or would like someone to talk to.
So, as I am going through a really rough period I answered the text and received a prompt appointment for assessment.
It was during that assessment that the therapist told me that I had a working diagnosis for BPD. Wham! A grenade went off in my world when my denial came unravelled and now i'm having to come to terms with it. No hiding from the truth, it will get you eventually!
I've been referred for another assessment and apparently if confirmed and accepted there's a possibility of DBT which I sooooo don't want.
I just want my denial back. I don't want to have this disorder.
I'm in an intense LDR with a guy in the US - nearly 2 years now - and he has mental health problems, serious depression (Bipolar) and is suicidal so i'm trying to support him through that as well as cope with my own stuff.
I have no friends, don't want to tell my family of my diagnosis, so here I am posting on a forum.
Any thoughts please guys, i'm really struggling here
 
B

bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
1,865
Location
England
Hello Jently. Welcome to the forum. I think having a bpd diagnosis is hard and I can understand you wanting to forget about it. You do not have to have DBT if you really do not want to. You mention you are going through a rough period. Therapy can be really helpful for that. In my experience therapy helps so much. I understand not everybody wants to do it as it is not easy.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
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Location
Nashua NH
First great that you were able to forget that you have BPD. That must means that the symptoms in the past few years have not been enough to cause you much bother. Have you taken the time to look at the symptoms then look at your life and see if there is a correlation? What real areas of your life related to this illness could you benefit from support with? It is a unique opportunity to be offered DBT for an illness you are diagnosed with. Think carefully before turning down the offer: in what way could you benefit from therapy? Or do you manage well enough on your own without therapeutic intervention to leave well enough alone. Personally if it were me I would try it just to see how it works and if it is something I feel is worth pursuing. But if you have gone years without noticing symptoms it might be just as well to leave things as they are. Good luck! xo, j
 
J

jently

New member
Joined
Aug 28, 2010
Messages
3
Thanks for your thoughts guys, I really appreciate it.
Life hasn't been easy, far from it; i have an eating disorder and am seriously underweight, misuse prescription meds (just for sleep, my favoured escape mechanism) and am involved in a toxic LDR - lots of verbal abuse and on the one occasion he visited, it became physical and yet still we talk about marriage. Two lonely souls holding onto each other.
Now with the diagnosis i'm feeling as if all the problems in our relationship are caused by me..........he's always insisted they are and yes I react when he's being abusive but spend most of the time trying to hold him up through his depression.
Extremely confused about everything now. Before I had him tagged as having NPD and still believe he has strong tendencies, but am now having to examine my own ........everything.
 
B

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
Messages
1,865
Location
England
You having bpd is not to blame for your partner being verbally and physically abusive towards you. You do not deserve that at all. Now that you have explained the situation with your partner I really do urge you to have therapy. People with bpd have very low self esteem and often end up in relationships with people who abuse us. It is vital to get away from such people in order for us to heal. I know it is not easy to end relationships as the fear of feeling alone is so prominent. Talking to a therapist can help you make sense of what is going on in your relationship.
 
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