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Deeper connection

qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
I will make simplistic ideas here in order to be able to state my ideas in a way that I understand them. I hope that others can help me understand and refine what I am saying. I believe in collaboration and communication from diverse views as a way of getting to more pleasing, beautiful and intelligent results.

If we take depression as a form of deep thinking and anxiety as a kind of observation of consequences, I guess it might make sense if a lot of people have depression and anxiety these days.

I think there is a lot of change going on in the world, divergence from old values, and certainly in my life I feel I may be transitioning into a different era, much the way Beethoven brought in the romantic era from the classical era dominated by Mozart.

I am 35, have lost touch with many old friends (mostly not by my own choice but theirs), and find myself looking for deeper connection to the world I live in and other people.

My borderline diagnosis was due to a suicide attempt because I could not live in my mother's world anymore, and my schizoaffective because I appeared to be visually hallucinating or having delusion.

Although there are things I protest about western psychology, such as the strictness of definition around magical thoughts for schizo diagnoses, or the idea that suicide basically automatically qualifies a person as crazy, there have been some patterns identified in the DSM that I can identify with, for example unstable relationships and intense emotion.

I write this post in an effort to get to the root of what I currently think and feel, and to better align my life with what is beneficial. Do I really need to be working? To get married?

What is important to you? What makes you tick? What is your family like? How old are you? What do you think caused your anxiety or depression or illness in the first place?
 
Hopefuloldie

Hopefuloldie

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Nov 30, 2018
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If we take depression as a form of deep thinking and anxiety as a kind of observation of consequences, I guess it might make sense if a lot of people have depression and anxiety these days.

I am 35, have lost touch with many old friends (mostly not by my own choice but theirs), and find myself looking for deeper connection to the world I live in and other people.

I write this post in an effort to get to the root of what I currently think and feel, and to better align my life with what is beneficial. Do I really need to be working? To get married?

What is important to you? What makes you tick? What is your family like? How old are you? What do you think caused your anxiety or depression or illness in the first place?[/QUOTE]
 
S

Ste123

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Dec 10, 2018
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14
A lot of those questions only you can probably answer. For me my family and kids mean everything to me and what I do I do to give them the best life possible, seeing them happy and being with them is probably my greatest realease and when I feel best.
On the flip side though that is also part of the problem, I constantly worry about not seeing them grow up or being unable to enjoy the rest of my life with them. I hate the idea of them seeing me unwell and I always hid my true feelings of anxiety from them as best I can.
The logic of anxiety is massively illogical! It seems the thinks you want or love most are also the things that can fill you full of anxiety and worry!
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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I think everyone is depressed nowadays because there's so much pressure as to how you should live your life, what age you should have done things by, everyone seems to have a say in what you do or what you don't do even. It's why a lot of people think or are scared of 'failing' at life, but how can you fail at life anyway? Not doing what everyone else is doesn't mean you are failing or that there's something wrong with you

It's just a load of ideas and expectations people have come up with and you don't necessarily have to follow them, a lot of people get married, have kids and regret it because they didn't really want that, but felt like they had too, its ridiculous if you really think about it

To answer your questions

What is important to you?
Friends, deep connections, my drawings, music, working on my health and well being, feeling loved and cared about

What makes you tick?
I'm not sure what that question means

What is your family like?
Religious, judgemental, abusive

How old are you?
18

What do you think caused your anxiety or depression or illness in the first place?
Childhood trauma, parents, bullying, isolation, neglect
 
Hopefuloldie

Hopefuloldie

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Joined
Nov 30, 2018
Messages
157
Location
UK
If we take depression as a form of deep thinking and anxiety as a kind of observation of consequences, I guess it might make sense if a lot of people have depression and anxiety these days.

I am 35, have lost touch with many old friends (mostly not by my own choice but theirs), and find myself looking for deeper connection to the world I live in and other people.

I write this post in an effort to get to the root of what I currently think and feel, and to better align my life with what is beneficial. Do I really need to be working? To get married?

What is important to you? What makes you tick? What is your family like? How old are you? What do you think caused your anxiety or depression or illness in the first place?
Connection is an important concept to me. Connection to my family, my community, the environment and as far as possible, the wider world. Connection gives my life purpose and meaning, and keeps me out of my own head.

I think that for me, anxiety is not so much an observation of consequences - that suggests that the consequences have already materialised. I see it as an anticipation of consequences, rather like a rehearsal of terrible things that in reality, often don't actually materialise.

Work can provide a useful focus, but while I can't work, volunteering is a reasonable (if not very lucrative) substitute. I am estranged from my biological family, but my husband and children are hugely important to my wellbeing.
 
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qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Nov 9, 2018
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I am so afraid I will get old and not be fulfilled. I am already much older and less successful than I thought I would be, so I relate to what bpdevil said. And I also like what the rest of you said. It is really nice to lay aside thinking of myself as a problem in some ways and try to see a bigger picture.

I dunno, I thought I would be famous, do something great. When I was working I organized for the red cross to do a blood drive and i did educational volunteering with kids and some outreach stuff, that was intensely gratifying and I hope to do that again.

For me, within the safety of all these valuable support and consensus I think that I have been depressed for a while but have been rushing along, afraid not to have that facebook life to show for all my thinking. I really spend a lot of time thinking, but it scares me because it doesn't seem to lead to as much action as I wish.

I majored in philosophy and engineering (it took me 7 years to graduate with two majors and a masters in engineering), and am thinking of going back for a degree in math. I think this is a good enough route for me, but I keep feeling there is something I may be missing, an emptiness inside.

They say bpd comes with emptiness, I hope to take some sort of action in my life, maybe globally or otherwise with some sort of public appearance for everything that I feel I do in life...

Certainly I think my emotional reward system is a little dysfunctional, and also I think my friends seem to feel more fulfilled and happy than i do, but I do not know the reason. I am tired of just saying that my problem is biological... I think I woild like to get involved in some sort of grand cause if i can.
 
S

Ste123

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Dec 10, 2018
Messages
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I’ve never really thought of it like that but I totally agree that anxiety almost feels like a rehearsal for a terrible event that I’m convincing myself is going to happen but never does. Someone once tried to explain it as catastrophising and expecting the worst, but it’s not like I’m just thinking of worst case scenarios it’s like I’m preparing myself for it happening any second.
Work and my work environment are no release whatsoever for me, if anything I feel more trapped at work and when I feel anxious I’m almost planning on how I can escape before I colapse without anyone knowing why I need to rush off.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Nov 9, 2018
Messages
457
Thank you all for listening to me, because it helps me not to brush off as silly when I understand what my anxiety is about.

In my case I feel like there is something greater i should be doing, but in modesty I brush it off as delusions of grandeur.
 
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