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Decades of living with BPD...but there is hope ahead

2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
Hey to all, new here. Just wanted to throw out there a quick intro. Basically have had BPD for 50 years. Many hospitalisations, suicide attempts a couple of times, a lot of self harming, some self medicating and a lot of prescribed meds, yet still dealing with the same old BPD issues, and it's exhausting at this point. This past year has obviously presented even more stressors for all of us, and I really feel for people experiencing mental health problems at this time. My heart sinks every time I hear of another suicide. It breaks me. I know people don't really want to die, I have been there a million times at the very edge and almost died a couple of times, and I know that it's not what we want, it's that we just want the pain to end.

Anyway, maybe the more useful info would be the newer treatments for the depression, anxiety and PTSD often associated with BPD, and the hope that these new treatments may offer for BPD as well. Studies are beginning in this particular subset, and I am so hopeful after years of feeling there wasn't hope, as all you read is how BPD is basically the hardest thing to manage, unless one can afford DBT therapy 5 days a week. So, I did ketamine infusions last summer and they worked. It was amazing. I've never done a hallucinogen, and was terrified, but I was at the end of my rope and it was my last hope. They were $500US/each, no insurance would cover it, and they changed my life. I will do it again, but the cost is too much right now. With the right music and forcing your mind into a positive state, it is incredible. I had never experienced anything like it, and it made me all the more certain of afterlife on top of everything else. But it was temporary, like 3 months that it worked. We were in lockdown, so unfortunately I wasn't able to go out and actually use my newfound peace of mind, but it is incredible. Very important to journal what you experienced after. I remember the main thing I thought was "I am no longer afraid of death. I know there is something else after this".

So my next step, which is about a month out (everyone is depressed and it's hard to get an appointment), is for the nasal spray form of it, esketamine (Spravato). I am excited and hopeful it will help. It's been a really dark and depressing, lonely time. Finally, once Oregon has opened the clinics for use of magic mushroom therapy this next year, I will be heading there definitely. The research is compelling and I am hopeful this will finally get rid of the terrifying depression that keeps coming.

I hope everyone out there is doing the best they can, hang in there, there is always hope.

Favourite quote of the day: Was it a bad day, or was it a bad 5 minutes?
:)
 
Capt Hooke

Capt Hooke

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 12, 2020
Messages
212
Location
Hadley Rille
When esketamine was licenced in the US (~2 years ago) I thought there would be lots of reports saying good or bad, but it has mainly been silence; I think yours is the first positive report I've seen on this forum. In the UK, it was not approved for use of the National Health service, but you could get it you have the money.

Could you just clarify, that you need periodic infusions (how often?) at $500 per shot, so it is going to be an expensive way forward, but it's only money :cry:.

Don't think that the UK will be doing Magic Mushrooms (legally) and time soon.
 
A

Anna03

Active member
Joined
May 7, 2021
Messages
37
Location
Scotland
Hey to all, new here. Just wanted to throw out there a quick intro. Basically have had BPD for 50 years. Many hospitalisations, suicide attempts a couple of times, a lot of self harming, some self medicating and a lot of prescribed meds, yet still dealing with the same old BPD issues, and it's exhausting at this point. This past year has obviously presented even more stressors for all of us, and I really feel for people experiencing mental health problems at this time. My heart sinks every time I hear of another suicide. It breaks me. I know people don't really want to die, I have been there a million times at the very edge and almost died a couple of times, and I know that it's not what we want, it's that we just want the pain to end.

Anyway, maybe the more useful info would be the newer treatments for the depression, anxiety and PTSD often associated with BPD, and the hope that these new treatments may offer for BPD as well. Studies are beginning in this particular subset, and I am so hopeful after years of feeling there wasn't hope, as all you read is how BPD is basically the hardest thing to manage, unless one can afford DBT therapy 5 days a week. So, I did ketamine infusions last summer and they worked. It was amazing. I've never done a hallucinogen, and was terrified, but I was at the end of my rope and it was my last hope. They were $500US/each, no insurance would cover it, and they changed my life. I will do it again, but the cost is too much right now. With the right music and forcing your mind into a positive state, it is incredible. I had never experienced anything like it, and it made me all the more certain of afterlife on top of everything else. But it was temporary, like 3 months that it worked. We were in lockdown, so unfortunately I wasn't able to go out and actually use my newfound peace of mind, but it is incredible. Very important to journal what you experienced after. I remember the main thing I thought was "I am no longer afraid of death. I know there is something else after this".

So my next step, which is about a month out (everyone is depressed and it's hard to get an appointment), is for the nasal spray form of it, esketamine (Spravato). I am excited and hopeful it will help. It's been a really dark and depressing, lonely time. Finally, once Oregon has opened the clinics for use of magic mushroom therapy this next year, I will be heading there definitely. The research is compelling and I am hopeful this will finally get rid of the terrifying depression that keeps coming.

I hope everyone out there is doing the best they can, hang in there, there is always hope.

Favourite quote of the day: Was it a bad day, or was it a bad 5 minutes?
:)
Thanks for the positive post. I am v new. Here too. I have only been diagnosed 20 years but can relate to your symptoms and behaviours. I, myself, apart from the last 2 months, have coped exceedingly well with my BPD and Bipolar diagnosis. I worked hard, took my medication well and focused greatly on the importance of maintaining close family relationships eg my husband and children. I find extended family can be a negative factor in my life so I communicate tentatively and my husband is a great support. The last two months have gone to crap. I am interested in the ketamine infusions and I'm going to Google that now. Always here to chat when times are good or bad.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
1,234
Location
California
Hey to all, new here. Just wanted to throw out there a quick intro. Basically have had BPD for 50 years. Many hospitalisations, suicide attempts a couple of times, a lot of self harming, some self medicating and a lot of prescribed meds, yet still dealing with the same old BPD issues, and it's exhausting at this point. This past year has obviously presented even more stressors for all of us, and I really feel for people experiencing mental health problems at this time. My heart sinks every time I hear of another suicide. It breaks me. I know people don't really want to die, I have been there a million times at the very edge and almost died a couple of times, and I know that it's not what we want, it's that we just want the pain to end.

Anyway, maybe the more useful info would be the newer treatments for the depression, anxiety and PTSD often associated with BPD, and the hope that these new treatments may offer for BPD as well. Studies are beginning in this particular subset, and I am so hopeful after years of feeling there wasn't hope, as all you read is how BPD is basically the hardest thing to manage, unless one can afford DBT therapy 5 days a week. So, I did ketamine infusions last summer and they worked. It was amazing. I've never done a hallucinogen, and was terrified, but I was at the end of my rope and it was my last hope. They were $500US/each, no insurance would cover it, and they changed my life. I will do it again, but the cost is too much right now. With the right music and forcing your mind into a positive state, it is incredible. I had never experienced anything like it, and it made me all the more certain of afterlife on top of everything else. But it was temporary, like 3 months that it worked. We were in lockdown, so unfortunately I wasn't able to go out and actually use my newfound peace of mind, but it is incredible. Very important to journal what you experienced after. I remember the main thing I thought was "I am no longer afraid of death. I know there is something else after this".

So my next step, which is about a month out (everyone is depressed and it's hard to get an appointment), is for the nasal spray form of it, esketamine (Spravato). I am excited and hopeful it will help. It's been a really dark and depressing, lonely time. Finally, once Oregon has opened the clinics for use of magic mushroom therapy this next year, I will be heading there definitely. The research is compelling and I am hopeful this will finally get rid of the terrifying depression that keeps coming.

I hope everyone out there is doing the best they can, hang in there, there is always hope.

Favourite quote of the day: Was it a bad day, or was it a bad 5 minutes?
:)
Thank you for sharing the information about your experience with ketamine and your positivity. I like the quote, "Was it a bad day, or was it a bad 5 minutes?" 👍
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
When esketamine was licenced in the US (~2 years ago) I thought there would be lots of reports saying good or bad, but it has mainly been silence; I think yours is the first positive report I've seen on this forum. In the UK, it was not approved for use of the National Health service, but you could get it you have the money.

Could you just clarify, that you need periodic infusions (how often?) at $500 per shot, so it is going to be an expensive way forward, but it's only money :cry:.

Don't think that the UK will be doing Magic Mushrooms (legally) and time soon.
Hey. Yeah, I've heard mixed reviews on the esketamine spray, hoping it's helpful but if not, will have to shell out the money for the IV again. Yeah, they are $500 a shot in my area, and you start with 6 treatments typically, then you can do "booster" ones after that as needed. I ended up having a bad experience w the shot form of it, so I have not yet gone back for a booster. But it was worth it. SO worth it, to me. It opened up a whole new line of thinking (important to journal your thoughts/experience right after), and took away my fear of death. It's crazy.

I'm hearing a lot of positive stuff re the micro dosing mushrooms, will continue to follow that. A bit scared, was so scared to do the ketamine, but w the right music playlist and state of mind, you can kind of "steer" your thoughts a lot of the time if they go to a dark place. My first one took me directly to my family (growing up) at the dinner table, the time when we sat silently and nervously watching my dad, so not a great trip there. Weird.

I hope if you want this that you can find a way. It jumpstarted my life for about 3 months and I actually finally got up the energy to move and all, get things going. But it does fade off.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
Thanks for the positive post. I am v new. Here too. I have only been diagnosed 20 years but can relate to your symptoms and behaviours. I, myself, apart from the last 2 months, have coped exceedingly well with my BPD and Bipolar diagnosis. I worked hard, took my medication well and focused greatly on the importance of maintaining close family relationships eg my husband and children. I find extended family can be a negative factor in my life so I communicate tentatively and my husband is a great support. The last two months have gone to crap. I am interested in the ketamine infusions and I'm going to Google that now. Always here to chat when times are good or bad.
I'm here as well if you want to. Let me know if you want to discuss the ketamine treatments at all, I can offer what my experience was. I'm really sorry you're struggling right now. You can get through this, the crashes come and go. But they do suck. I think ketamine likely saved me personally. I really hope you can find some help soon. It does work quickly, and other people noticed it even more, the peace of mind I had.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
Thank you for sharing the information about your experience with ketamine and your positivity. I like the quote, "Was it a bad day, or was it a bad 5 minutes?" 👍
Yeah, at times it feels like it's been a bad decade, but it's easy to forget the good when you're in bad, that's for sure. :)
 
Capt Hooke

Capt Hooke

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 12, 2020
Messages
212
Location
Hadley Rille
I'm pleased to hear of your good experience with esketamine. What is very sad is the huge scam that went on whereby esketamine had be separated from ketamine for the purpose of getting a patent and charging lots of money. As I recal, the paid-for service which was offered in the UK did not use esketamine, but used ketamine, which should be so much cheaper, as it it out of patent, and in common use to treat both people and animals as a pain killer.

The UK service with ketamine was a good deal cheaper that $500 per shot, but it seemed to me very like taking a recreational drug; if it worked for you, you would never want to come off it and would have to stump up the cash. I never met anyone, nor did I see any post on this forum from any one in the UK who experience of ketamine as an anti-depressant.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
I'm pleased to hear of your good experience with esketamine. What is very sad is the huge scam that went on whereby esketamine had be separated from ketamine for the purpose of getting a patent and charging lots of money. As I recal, the paid-for service which was offered in the UK did not use esketamine, but used ketamine, which should be so much cheaper, as it it out of patent, and in common use to treat both people and animals as a pain killer.

The UK service with ketamine was a good deal cheaper that $500 per shot, but it seemed to me very like taking a recreational drug; if it worked for you, you would never want to come off it and would have to stump up the cash. I never met anyone, nor did I see any post on this forum from any one in the UK who experience of ketamine as an anti-depressant.
I totally agree re how crazy the price is for a generic version. It's ridiculous. Really hope it comes down in price. As far as liking it and not wanting to stop it, I have an addictive personality but it wasn't the type of thing I'd seek out doing for fun, honestly. I know the club drug version (special K) is obviously abused, but on the ketamine IV, you're so out of it, I don't know what could be fun about it. But we shall see as it's used more and more time passes if people have issues getting hooked on it. Def not something I'd recommend for everyone, but it really did work for me.
 
D

Dwight7

Member
Joined
May 9, 2021
Messages
23
Location
TX
I respect you for dealing with BPD for 50 years. Me making it through the weekend is hard enough...50 years seems like climbing Mount Everest.

And thank you for the quote at the bottom!
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
I respect you for dealing with BPD for 50 years. Me making it through the weekend is hard enough...50 years seems like climbing Mount Everest.

And thank you for the quote at the bottom!
Yes, we can't let ourselves be overwhelmed by the "big picture", right? If I had known it was going to be this long of a journey in advance, I don't know what I would have done. But there are all the times that make it worth making it through it, that I can say. I hear you about making it through a weekend, though :)
 
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