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Decade relapse.

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Meyyday

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Uk
Im 30, always thinking i'd get over it. Dead end jobs forced me to take a chance at university, a mature student, how strange. Excited still. Spent a year doing a course at college that if im being honest didnt set me up for university but got me in. The first year fantastic. Almost 4 and half hours away from my own reality by train or car. Perfect. My first few terms flew by in an instant. At this point I hadnt self harmed myself since 2002. A troubled 22 year old with no path and support to him. Decided to cold turkey everything, drink, drugs and SH. Leads me to this point. A 2nd year student with fantastic friends, housemates and course. Laid in bed, crying red typing this out. J.
 
Murasakibee

Murasakibee

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
309
Location
Midwest USA
Im 30, always thinking i'd get over it. Dead end jobs forced me to take a chance at university, a mature student, how strange. Excited still. Spent a year doing a course at college that if im being honest didnt set me up for university but got me in. The first year fantastic. Almost 4 and half hours away from my own reality by train or car. Perfect. My first few terms flew by in an instant. At this point I hadnt cut myself since 2002. A troubled 22 year old with no path and support to him. Decided to cold turkey everything, drink, drugs and SH. Leads me to this point. A 2nd year student with fantastic friends, housemates and course. Laid in bed, crying red typing this out. J.
I'm sorry you've gone through so much. Staying clean is harder than it should be, I struggle too. We are all here to listen.
 
M

Meyyday

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Uk
It feels weird talking about it. Its been so long. I always feel like I have be an adult and thats probably the reason why everyone over 20 hides it. Thank you for your welcome. After 15 years i've realised talking about it....it really does help. Even if in your teens you think it doesnt. It does.
 
Murasakibee

Murasakibee

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
309
Location
Midwest USA
It feels weird talking about it. Its been so long. I always feel like I have to an adult and thats probably the reason why everyone over 20 hides it. Thank you for your welcome. After 15 years i've realised talking about it....it really does help. Even if in your teens you think it doesnt. It does.
I get that, I never really tried reaching out as a teen. Now I'm grown and my issues seem immature but talking really does help and I come on here and rant or talk whenever something is emotionally taking a toll on me

I hope you like it here. It's a good place.
 
M

Meyyday

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Uk
I think I feel the same. I was always happy to be in the company of self destruction. Like they say misery loves company. Now not so much. I think for me, it was so addictive as a teen, I havent dealt with the adddiction of self harming and its kinda of bit me in the arse.
 
Murasakibee

Murasakibee

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
309
Location
Midwest USA
I think I feel the same. I was always happy to be in the company of self destruction. Like they say misery loves company. Now not so much. I think for me, it was so addictive as a teen, I havent dealt with the adddiction of cutting and its kinda of bit me in the arse.
Yeah I get that, I haven't relapse with self harm in awhile but I almost have and its something that's really hard to shake. For me, As an adult I think i feel more shame around than I did as a teen or maybe I just recognize the feeling but I regret ever doing it in the first place.
 
M

Meyyday

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Uk
I agree with the shame. My arms are undeniably arms of a self harmer, my housemates have always been curious, as 20 year olds should be, and I've always 'prided' myself as an open book, never fresh wounds because thats just not what anyone signs up for. But being the 'adult' of the house of 6 20 year olds, doing council tax and such kind of drags me even deeper, especially when I have to hide fresh like im a teenager, only makes me kind of regress.
 
Murasakibee

Murasakibee

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
309
Location
Midwest USA
I agree with the shame. My arms are undeniably arms of a self harmer, my housemates have always been curious, as 20 year olds should be, and I've always 'prided' myself as an open book, never fresh wounds because thats just not what anyone signs up for. But being the 'adult' of the house of 6 20 year olds, doing council tax and such kind of drags me even deeper, especially when I have to hide fresh like im a teenager, only makes me kind of regress.
Yeah its really difficult. I think you have done really well though despite the relapse, a song I like (even though I don't like rap) is Macklemore's Starting Over and I think it can apply to any addiction and relapse. All through the song he feels ashamed because he had prided himself with being sober and he had so many people looking up to him.

But a part of addiction is relapse, and I think a lot of people (myself included) feel like since they relapsed they are never going to get better. People who don't struggle don't realize it is a fight every day.

The best part of the song is "If I can be an example of getting sober
Then I can be an example of starting over."

That spoke volumes to me. Because he was admitting that yeah he relapsed but that wasn't the end, he could still start over. You can still count the hours, days, months and years that you didn't self harm and take pride in every moment of that sobriety.

It really meant a lot and gave me a lot of inspiration and I thought maybe it could help you feel better.
 
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