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death

paul67

paul67

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Jul 16, 2012
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160
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braintree essex
my wifes mum passed away just a few days away and its very hard...we were in the room as she passed away in front of us.....
i had an episode and im so embarrasses about it,but i kept looking at her face and i couldnt handle it.....
then yesterday when we was sorting out the funeral etc...i had another episode....ive got this pysc nurse coming today thats if i let him in......
i know its anxiety but i think people are trying to kill me the usual stuff...i saw a guy outside i his car and i was thinking he had a gun,and was using his fone and i was waiting for my fone to ring so he was checking if i was in.....
and self harm is high on my agenda,but if i SH on my face again ive got this funeral next monday....its so hard not to SH in crosses....i think im just grieving,but in my way its highlighting all my negative activities....my voices told me to jump out of our car stuck in traffic and run away out of the traffic jam,the noises,police sirens,engines,everything was to much....but it passed and i held it together.....but im sitting on my own ready to self harm thats why i come on hear.........
 
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SidewalkProphet

SidewalkProphet

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Aug 3, 2012
Messages
238
Location
Surrey, UK
I'm sorry for your loss :hug1:

Sounds like you need to do something to distract yourself from these thoughts, even if its just doing dishes or cleaning just something to occupy your mind while you're alone :hug1:

I'm sorry I can't be of more help :low:
 
angiebib1976

angiebib1976

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derby
Hi paul67

I'm sorry for yours and your wifes loss.
Stay strong. Keep talking on here if it helps.

Hugs

Angie
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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small town Ontario, Canada
Was it the death that really bothered you or the having to visit hospital and the funeral home?
Paul what meds are you on right now? Sounds as if paranoia and the voices are making it near very, very difficult for you to function and stay stable right now. Do you think maybe an adjustment in your medications would help? My son JS just had to go through a med adjustment for the same types of fears, voices and paranoia's they switched him onto injections the same as my son JD and he is doing much much better. That would be the fourth time he's had to change meds because the others just didn't help at all or his mental health continued to decline on the others. How do you usually cope when this type of thing happens?
 
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paul67

paul67

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Messages
160
Location
braintree essex
hi gajolene,it was the passing away in front of us that was to much,she was just breathing,then her tongue was hanging out,then she died and the colour of her face went from pink to like a waxy colour....
my meds are at max at the moment im on 800mg quitiapine split am and pm, plus progabelin split 600mg am and pm..and venlafaxine 225mg am...
ive got the crisis team here every other day at the moment for 8 weeks and there planning to just have me seeing a cpn once a month....
i wish that was moving forward but i drove out to a corn field last night and sat in the middle covered my face with mud and prayed....thers so much more going on but i cant reakky put it on here....
 
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Gajolene

Gajolene

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I am so sorry, watching a loved one die really impacts you, I was there when my dad died and it wasn't pretty to say the least. When my mum died I had to walk away three weeks before as it was too much for me to bear.

Both triggered me into relapse but dad's much worse as at the time of my dads as he has been my first abuser and I never confronted him on it. At that time they advocated confronting your abusers as part of recovery. I doubt he ever would of remembered he was piss drunk out of his tree when the abuse happened and he was severly alcoholic, even a five years old I knew it and never blamed him, I blamed it on the alcoholism. He was able to quit with the help of rehab when I was 12 and never went back, so I forgave him years ago. My mums was much more complicated and much worse in the terms of causing my maladaptive coping mechanisms while I was growing up. Her abuse much more subtle and long lasting effects, while hiding behind lies and the pretend veil of being a "true christian"

It's funny how I could veil my own symptoms so many years while they were still alive, them dying was in a way a release, I finally felt safe enough to let out all those memories and pent up emotions. Trully I was grieving myself more than them if that makes any sense. There was still love there but it was a tainted love.

I'm glad you are recieving care and counselling. I think the idea of the mud is a great idea, I can see how it would mimick and replace some of the SH-ing effects. That's what it's all about staying sable and replacing our maladaptive behaviours and emotions with better and more healthy behaviours. Be proud of yourself it's definately a move forward, and hey muds great for the skin ;-)
 
paul67

paul67

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braintree essex
hi gajolene,sorry to here about the abuse you had to endure as a child.....unfortunately the impact of that never ever leaves you and the damage will be there till you die.....all you can do is take your meds and get on with your life just like me,but as you know certain things make you relapse as i have been for the last,it must be getting on for 3-4months now...and its torture for everyone involved....
yes its strange about the mud i suppose its better than last time....i looked like hellboy lol...
and you mentioned hiding behind christianity that is so true theres a lot of people out there like that....
i have a thing about crosses dont know why...anyway im chatting shit now...
nice to hear from you in canada....im a long way in uk....
take care..
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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small town Ontario, Canada
Hey Paul good to here from you again. I have long term chronic PTSD I think I have had 5 major relapses in total over the last 20 yrs. My last major relapse was about a two years ago. I was on meds that time for about 7 months. Between relapses I can function well without having to be on meds at all, I only take them when I can not be stable and anx/panick attacks/depression/insomnia/ and social anxiety all hit hard at once, get really sever and uncontrollable.

Usually it's an additional trauma that will set a relapse off. Between relapses I use a lot of the coping tools I've learned through REBT/CBT and alternative methods like yoga and deep breathing. The talk therapy here helps tremedously especially for building social skills and building self confidence to combat my agorophobia. I usually cope very well and hope my experiences and knowledge of the condition and recoveries can help others on here including good people like you.

In my case it probably is life long due to my unique circumstances and the young age at which the first trauma occured but for a lot of people PTSD can be short term and they can recover fully within 3 yrs with never having a relapse again. There's more research available now that wasn't before on it, I'm a bit behind on it as I've been focusing on my sons' conditions and my best friends more than my own in my researching as of late.
Anyway now I'm babling again, Hope your feeling well today.
 
paul67

paul67

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Messages
160
Location
braintree essex
hi gajolene thanx for replying,it seems so easy to chat on here...but not so easy outside,i think i struggle with agrophobia to,not all the time only when im having a relapse...never seem to wanna go out...or if i do i sit in the car and the wife potters around in the shops...not much of a life eh...lol
your right about the panic attacks and the other stuff very hard to control,i can feel them coming on but i dissassociate myself from the present situation not for long but long enough so everyone in a ten mile radius hears it,oh dear....
you sound like your coping well,for now thats really good you should be proud of yourself..ive been told that the pills are not magic i have to help myself..as you know depression etc is like glue,just sticks you to your bed or chair and its very hard to motivate or function....i dont think i suffer from that now...
i just read your posts again,and they make me sad,why do we suffer so much and yet some people are so lucky...rich,careers,never any problems,i often think have i done a wrong in a past life?
yogas really good for you to,i do training weights and boxing,my son loves his boxing...im getting a bit old now though lol...
i hope your feeling better its always another day tomorrow take care.xx
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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May 30, 2012
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Location
small town Ontario, Canada
I know what you mean about people just seeming lucky, a couple of my siblings are like that, never had to really struggle for anything, always found the right mate, the right jobs, opportunities just came easily to them, always had supportive people and lots of friends. I just got a lot of really tough breaks and trully most of them worst times always were from outside influences or people and not myself.

I did for a long time blame and ridicule myself though in circumstances that didn't warrant it, like you said depression can be crippling when it's sever enough and you grasp at all kinds of irrational straws looking for the why's of being stuck in that dark tunnel of despair and greif. I get caught up in if I'm too old and cynical now and still self-doubt a lot about ever being able to fully trust. I missed out on a lot of good in life but nothing I could of done would of changed it and at those times I was doing the best of my ability. Thats all any of us can do.

My mum said to me once I had a life like a roller coaster. Up and down and all over the place. When I said how much it sucked and asked why all these terrible things keep happening she said, "Look at your sister(the lucky one) she struggles for nothing, doesn't have to fight for anything, or really work at anything.....it's such a boring life, she doesn't have to do anything and everything just comes her way or is provided for her, it's always the same and boring. Who wants a boring life like that, I'd much rather have YOUR life, there's so much more to it" more excitement, more drama, more heartaches and depth, more gratitute and appreciation for the few good things and the happy times you do get. Didn't make much sense at the time I didn't agree only saw myself as being trapped in hell then (over 25yrs ago). But now that I accept that I couldn't of done anything to change most of what happened and I wasn't to blame I can see what she really meant. I learned a lot from all the things, changes, and experiences that happened over time. I realize that many people will never experience life and many of the things in mine, I think it made me more aware of myself and of the truth and reality of people and life in general. It made me a stronger person in the end.

Had a good couple days and have high hopes in this job I am supposed to be getting in the next couple weeks. Scared as hell, visions of my anx/fears and panick and being out in the open, the busy times that are sure to happen. Havn't worked steady in three years. But its a good kind of scared if that makes any sense. I know my fears are just that my fears and most likely I will be just fine once I get started.
 
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