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Dealing with two terminally ill relatives but my Friend unsupportive that has depression

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Lemonlime1

Member
Joined
May 22, 2019
Messages
6
Location
London
Recently both my Nan and my mother have been diagnosed with terminal illnesses. My Nan has been diagnosed with cancer, I have been caring for her the last week and she has reached the stage where she cannot eat or drink so unlikely to have long left.

My mother also has severe lung disease and problems with her heart, she has been in and out of hospital but (fingers crossed) not going to go as quickly as my Nan.

I have been having a tough time, I’ve taken off work to care for my Nan and its been very upsetting for me.

I am not usually one to ask my friends for support as generally I am the one who comforts my friends. One friend in particular I have been friends with for over 10 years, and she has suffered with severe depression for the last 3/4 years.

I have been there for her, when we lived in the same home town I had her round my house almost every day, always there for her on the phone etc.

She is depressed because she is in a toxic relationship, she has been going out with a man who has been to prison, slept with some of her very good friends, puts her down, and has resulted in her having a sever eating disorder and alopecia. She knows she should leave him but she does not want to leave him, which has resulted in her being very paranoid, depressed, suicidal, abandonment issues and low self worth.

I have always had extreme empathy for her, and always been there for her though in a way her situation is self inflicted.

I was depressed 5 years ago, and have always suffered with a panic disorder. I know how horrible it feels to be depressed and know it makes you act irrational and self absorbed, and I lost people I cared about during my depression.

I’ve asked her to see me because of my own situation (not something I’ve ever asked of her before) she let me down, I told her I really needed someone because of x y z and said I really wished she had called to let me know because I’m having a hard time. Instead of consoling me, she flipped out saying how she felt suicidal 2 months ago and at the time I wasn’t there for her as much as I should have been, and neither have our other friends have been there either. She recognised it was selfish but it was in her best interest not to see/call me at the time.

I of course was really upset by this and explained that I thought she was out of order for saying that to me when I was looking for some support as I’m solely caring for my Nan with cancer and it’s difficult.

She hasn’t responded to me since, she hasn’t asked whether I’m okay. I have always been there for her, and supported her more than any other person so I feel like it’s a slap in the face for not recognising how much I have done, but also not supporting me under such extreme circumstances.

I do understand that right now, I don’t have depression, but I’m very sad and distressed with grief.

Any suggestions for either terminal illness coping mechanisms/bereavement/or knowing how to approach the situation with my depressed friend would be greatly appreciated.
 
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Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,246
Find some support that doesn’t rely on her. You will need it. Your local hospital has group programs for people taking care of chronically ill family. It’s a good place to start and will put you in contact with others going through the same thing, and who can empathize.

Sometimes in life, friendships fade. It’s sad, but it happens. Once you get through this difficult period, you will have to evaluate the worth of this friendship. It may be better to walk away.

Good luck.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
33,214
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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
im so sorry to hear about your mum and nan
I just wanted to say I am hoping for the best for you all x you are very welcome here
love Lu xxxx
 
M

MGC182

Member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Earth
I was with my father a month ago, He was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis few years ago. He never liked hospitals but when he got really sick and slipped into a coma i was with him for like a month in the hospital it was the worst month i’ve ever lived. Watching your loved ones being terminally ill is the worst thing. I know how you feel, I had 0 support i was alone in a hotel near the hospital it was very dark and depressing. your so called “friend” is not a friend in my book.
friends should always pack each others even if they are not on good terms, or they fought over something before one of them got into trouble, they should leave their differences aside and help each others. that’s true friendship.
 
L

Lemonlime1

Member
Joined
May 22, 2019
Messages
6
Location
London
I’m sorry to hear what you went through with your dad, and that month.

My ears are open if you would like to speak about it. My Nan passed today, I’m just so glad I got to stay with her the whole way and make the time she had here positive.

Thank you for your advice on my friend, I had the same reaction when I first saw her response, but wasn’t sure whether I was being too sensitive because of the situation.

In any friendship or relationship I will always give 90% just makes it 10x harder when you realise the rest of the world Ian not like that x
 
L

Lemonlime1

Member
Joined
May 22, 2019
Messages
6
Location
London
I’m sorry to hear what you went through with your dad, and that month.

My ears are open if you would like to speak about it. My Nan passed today, I’m just so glad I got to stay with her the whole way and make the time she had here positive.

Thank you for your advice on my friend, I had the same reaction when I first saw her response, but wasn’t sure whether I was being too sensitive because of the situation.

In any friendship or relationship I will always give 90% just makes it 10x harder when you realise the rest of the world Is not like that x
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,246
Oh honey, I’m so sorry for your loss.
 
M

MGC182

Member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Earth
I’m sorry to hear what you went through with your dad, and that month.

My ears are open if you would like to speak about it. My Nan passed today, I’m just so glad I got to stay with her the whole way and make the time she had here positive.

Thank you for your advice on my friend, I had the same reaction when I first saw her response, but wasn’t sure whether I was being too sensitive because of the situation.

In any friendship or relationship I will always give 90% just makes it 10x harder when you realise the rest of the world Ian not like that x
I am so sorry for your loss 💔 my heart is with u ik how it feels if u need someone to lean on ill be here for u too ❤
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

Well-known member
Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
1,390
Location
London
If they dont support you then they are not friends if one of my friends had that problem i would help him as much as i could id say cut the friendship off
 
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