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dealing with rage

R

resentmentsruining

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
10
Location
cheshire
Hi

Im new to the forum and in summary have been in and out of 12 step meetings for over 20 yrs...
The problem is that I have no idea where I fit in..
I am referred to as adult child ACOA, CODA codependant and also PTSD...possibly borderline as a self diagnosis, as my main issue is not being able to cope with resentments and raging which flare up on average around every 8 weeks. They are always ticking away like a timebomb but then just get activated by a simple trigger and then Kabooom!
I found writing helped to discharge some darker feelings , especially trying to turn anger into comedy gold with liberal helpings of sardonic humour. This has helped take the hysteria and lashing out out of rage as its more a controlled rant now.
Even so....Im not even sure writing is helping now. I kept a diary on another forum for 3 yrs only to find I was going even further into isolation with the walls built so high now that even I cant see out.
Im not suicidal...in fact id say im in a place that is beyond it and my fear is how clinical I am becoming to all matters human , with the exception of animals who get the best of my love and care. I just feel overwhelmed.
I thought about counselling again, but im not keen on technique based CBT and I already know whats wrong, why and how but am still stuck,In some respects id rather visit a shaman in the hills and have a total soul overhaul. What I feel is detached from meaning and I am of no fixed religion which is probably part of the problem. ..
basically struggling .....and flatlining with no extremes other than rages. No medication . Im not sure if im just severely depressed and not recognising it.
xx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Why not visit a shaman in the hills?
Ok, I get that it's a metaphor, but really looking into things on a deeper soul-level has helped me far more than the mental health team ever have.

There are many counsellors around with different approaches, not all plug CBT as the best thing since sliced bread (because to be honest, it isn't).
I see a counsellor who isn't part of the NHS and it's helping me a lot.

I really understand the rage thing. It's not something I ever outwardly express, but every now and then I feel like I could just fly off the handle. I suppose that because the intensity of my feelings of anger scare me so much, I pretend it's not there - which I know isn't healthy.

Welcome to the forum by the way. I hope you find posting here helpful.
 
R

resentmentsruining

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
10
Location
cheshire
Thank you for replying....Somedays I feel im just shopping round for a label to feel at home.
As an adult/ child ( hate that term) ....I feel in no mans land. No getting out of my head in addiction and no " born again" feeling of recovery from hell, It just feels like im flatlining with occasionl rage outbursts and basically daily resentment triggered by things people wouldnt bat an eyelid at.
As I got older I believed time would heal but it hasnt happened, in many ways its getting worse as the veil between me and the world is getting thinner so all the rage a used to mask or play out privately is more visible.
I had a big outburst yesterday triggered by something that i allowed to build up but it is a " thing " that filters and has tendrils in every part of my life. When this happens its like all my buttons are pressed down at once.
As an ACOA I feel possessed by addiction like its an infection I've caught second hand....my character being that of a dry drunk with resentments all feeding into each other . The more I try and fight this blueprint the worse its getting to the point now whereby I feel I cant be trusted now to make any decisions for myself regards people , work,relationships etc.....My big fear now as a 47 year old woman is that this pattern of living has impacted my physical health. In my 20s i was plagued with the usual panic anxiety , whereas now when I feel stress I just seem to numb out. ...in a nutshell im on the pity pot today.....x
 
R

resentmentsruining

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
10
Location
cheshire
so..after hitting another rockbottom I have come to realise 2 things

1. I'm addcited to resentment
2. I need to get back into 12 step

despite not being an alocholic ( yet) ..Im well on my way to becoming one. 6 months in AA I felt a fraud as I didnt have the obsession to drink, but had all the resentments whizzing round 24/7. ..a dry drunk.

It was the AA members who pointed me to CODA ( copeds anon) which I identified with strongly but found too warm and fuzzy. For me it encourged more " poor me" when what I needed was the tough love that I often see in AA as physical lives depend on it, My physical life as a codep was also in danger, not by violence but by driving around with a head full of worry about " him/ them / it" fill in the blank and not concentrating or being present or " with it" my head stuck replaying some old past hurt or injustice.
I' ve been beating myself up now for not being able to forgive which i know is killing me. I understand forgiveness is not about "them" but about releasing me from prison. Even though though I know this , I still feel forgiveness is letting "them" off the hook,

After reading some more AA literature, the most I can see myself doing today is ..." If you can't forgive, then practice deliberate forgetfullness" .....I guess now this has all been made conscious I now have to out myself back into unconscious to recover which hopefully I will not interpret as denial.

xx
 
Jimny

Jimny

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 25, 2015
Messages
307
Location
Essex
Hi, I hope this doesn't sound too off the wall. You mentioned visiting a shaman, I have trouble dealing with internalised anger, guilt, resentment and shame.
I went for something called 'past life regression' and 'soul retrieval'. To be honest I had no belief in such things but somebody had recommended this type of 'alternative' therapy to me.
It certainly helped me at the time as I just couldn't seem to resolve how I felt. Was it strange, yes.
It might have even been psychosomatic, who cares.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Hi, I hope this doesn't sound too off the wall. You mentioned visiting a shaman, I have trouble dealing with internalised anger, guilt, resentment and shame.
I went for something called 'past life regression' and 'soul retrieval'. To be honest I had no belief in such things but somebody had recommended this type of 'alternative' therapy to me.
It certainly helped me at the time as I just couldn't seem to resolve how I felt. Was it strange, yes.
It might have even been psychosomatic, who cares.
I've had similar experiences.
Done the past life regression, soul retrieval, cord cutting sessions etc. and it has helped me a lot.
 
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