P
peaceseeker
Member
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2009
- Messages
- 9
hi, my name is john, found this forum in my searching & researching & reading & learning more about a personality disorder that I'm pretty sure my wife of over 15 years is suffering from, paranoid personality disorder. I have just finally discovered this disorder & feel such a sense of relief, I knew I wasn't crazy & that this just wasn't a normal way to live... the years & years of abuse I've been through in living with my wife finally makes some sense to me, there is a reason to what has at times felt like madness, all wrapped up in a personality disorder, as much as reading more & more about this disorder is depressing, it is also somewhat validating to read about, if you understand what I mean by that... it's a relief to see that this is a real, documented illness, although it does also suck to realize that it is a real, documented mental illness too...
I've always known my wife to be touchy, I've told her for years that sometimes just talking to her is like walking on eggshells... I've always known her to be jealous... even when we were first dating she accused me several times... many times actually, of either flirting with, or lusting for other women. accused me of cheating on a regular basis... I guess I just grew up expecting girls to be jealous & suspicious creatures in general, so I didn't see this as so abnormal in the beginning
even dating, we could be at great point of togetherness, all loving & connected, everything beautiful, but god forbid we winded up with a flirtatious or even pretty waitress, I was doomed. she would go into a jealous rage & accuse me of flirting with her & checking her out, say stuff like "if you want to be with her then just go", say how much I disrespected her by doing what I did... very very temper mental, but I was in love with her & always did whatever I could to try & convince her that it wasn't true... she could stay mad at me for really long times too... I couldn't describe it as anything but totally irrational behaviour...
friends of mines girlfriends were almost always an issue.. she believed that they all flirted with me, or I flirted with them, or I was screwing around with them, I was staring at her ass, I wanted them instead of her... they were mean to her, they were talking about her behind her back... needless to say, with a wife that suffers from paranoid personality disorder, I cannot have any friends that we could hang out with as a couple, she just doesn't like or trust anyone, she has almost no friends & the friends she has had have all slighted her in some way, & then poof, there friends nomore...
if we went to a mall, it was only a matter of time before I was accused of staring at some girl or another... I swore there were times that I would just be zoned out & just walking through the mall, looking at everything in the mall maybe thinking about some tools to buy at sears & all of a sudden her personality would take a complete 180, she'd be in hate mode accusing me of looking at some girl & I swore I hadn't even seen the girl she was even talking about... most times though I'd know very well the type of girl that would trigger her... I eventually had to train myself to spot the sexy ones & divert my attention elseware... it was wild. if some really sexy looking girl was in the immediate area I was just screwed, as that would be a trigger for another episode.... sometimes in a crowded mall there is no safe direction though, there were girls every wear, half the times the girl she winded up getting irate about I really didn't have a clue who the heck she was even talking about! I would ask her who? what? where?... she would think that I was patronizing her I get more upset... it was rediculous... I rarely even go to the mall or places like that with her anymore, I would rather just drop her at the door & pick her up after, so much safer....
episodes would normally last a few days or even weeks of the silent treatment & it would drive me crazy, hours would feel like weeks & weeks would feel like forever, I would get very anxious & want to fix us now, get us back to her being happy, & it would frustrate me to no end that nothing I could say or do would do that... I couldn't believe she was acting the way she was, but I tried to understand her point of view, tried to understand, tried to explain... I tried & tried, & it was very trying, but I really loved her & really wanted to be with her & I refused to let he attacks push me away.
there were countless times that out of the blue she would just all of a sudden be distant & withdrawn, so I would ask whats wrong & I would get the usual answer... "nothing"... those "nothings" used to really drive me crazy, when she was in her "moods" it used to kill me, first cause I hated to see her in the "she hates me again" mode & second cause I had no clue what the heck I even did this time...at times she would actually get mad at me if a sexy woman was on TV, yeah, it was that bad, but I always figured that eventually she'd get it, as we grew older together & were together for years & years, had a son together, I always believed that some day she'd finally realize that I was not a cheater, that I did not want any other women, she had to realize that by now, but no, no....
I am learning that a paranoid personality disorder doesn't just go away... , it is a very hard thing to deal with in a spouse... I have to just absorb all of the abuse that's dished out to me, fighting back was totally useless & always makes it much worse, for the record I'm sure that 99% of the times she was 100% convinced that she was right & i was wrong, I was always wrong, she has told me that many times. there was nothing I could say or do to convince her otherwise, it has been very hard to deal with, & I have been with her for almost 20 years at this point... I love her, I don't want to leave her, even the few times she has actually even thrown me out in a violent rage, I just wouldn't leave... I love her & want to be with her & don't want anyone else, despite the abuse she puts me through, but it also hurts a lot sometimes...
for years I just couldn't understand it, although I tried & tried... I have tried to reason with her, I try to tell her that the feelings & emotions she is feeling is not caused by me, that I just didn't do anything wrong... I couldn't understand how at times though that she could actually think that I was a cheating lying person, it was just demoralizing, degrading... here my wife is actually believing that I could be this evil person, while all the while I was & am 100% faithful, never ever had the desire to cheat on her, never accepted the advances of other women nor made any toward any other woman, I just wouldn't do that, not really only for her, but for me. I really believe cheating to be a low evil hurtful thing to do, I wouldn't lower my own integrity for something like that, I'm a believer in don't do to others that which I don't want done to me... it would kill me if a mate ever cheated on me, & thank god I have never had to experience that, I just wouldn't do it. I have way to much self respect, but then I see that my own wife doesn't even have that much respect for me as a person, even after all these years of me just being there & taking all she can dish out... it can really hurt sometimes... there are many times that I just feel like a punching bag or a doormat, & she can be very violent & hateful to the point of almost being down right evil & vicious at times...
it is hard to describe the whole situation in just one post, & it is hard to describe the amount of abuse I can be dealt at times... there are many times that I just feel like what the hell is it worth even doing anything for, what's even the point of living if all my life is just going to be filled with misery... the paranoia in her personality does cause way more relationship problems than just the jealousy, although that's probably the #1 problem area,but there are many more. I mean it's really a shame, life could be so wonderful, when she's not in a paranoid mode she can be great, but it's only a matter of time before the next episode... it's like a roller coaster, no matter how great the relationship can beat any given point, it doesn't take much to trigger another episode... she always tells me that I never tell her that I love her, that I'm distant, that I don't give her what she needs to feel secure, but then she will abuse me & call me a cheating liar & scum & push me away & belittle me & wonder why I'm not so loving & affectionate lately...
she also is very paranoid in most other things, has trouble dealing with other people, she has every sign of the disorder, she meets all the criteria, they say to be classified as paranoid personality you'd need to meet at least 4 of the 7 distinct characteristics, well shes def got at least 6 of them for sure...
my latest episode was triggered because a customer of mine crashed her car & called my shop early in the morning to notify me that her car was being towed into my shop... my shop phone is forwarded to my cell, so my wife sees a womans name pop up in my phone... BANG... I get woken up with a very hostile "who is Linda with the Honda & why is she calling you at 6:30 in the morning?!?!"... with that crackly emotional voice she gets when shes distressed... oh boy, here we go again... "I don't know honey, maybe she got into an accident or something?" I mean I guess that would be the normal assumption, but not for her.... we haven't spoken or been cool for about the past week or so, as she dwells on all the reasons she's ever had for doubting me over & over, making herself miserable & of course her being miserable is enough to make me miserable... life is a constant roller coaster of these emotions...
I've always known my wife to be touchy, I've told her for years that sometimes just talking to her is like walking on eggshells... I've always known her to be jealous... even when we were first dating she accused me several times... many times actually, of either flirting with, or lusting for other women. accused me of cheating on a regular basis... I guess I just grew up expecting girls to be jealous & suspicious creatures in general, so I didn't see this as so abnormal in the beginning
even dating, we could be at great point of togetherness, all loving & connected, everything beautiful, but god forbid we winded up with a flirtatious or even pretty waitress, I was doomed. she would go into a jealous rage & accuse me of flirting with her & checking her out, say stuff like "if you want to be with her then just go", say how much I disrespected her by doing what I did... very very temper mental, but I was in love with her & always did whatever I could to try & convince her that it wasn't true... she could stay mad at me for really long times too... I couldn't describe it as anything but totally irrational behaviour...
friends of mines girlfriends were almost always an issue.. she believed that they all flirted with me, or I flirted with them, or I was screwing around with them, I was staring at her ass, I wanted them instead of her... they were mean to her, they were talking about her behind her back... needless to say, with a wife that suffers from paranoid personality disorder, I cannot have any friends that we could hang out with as a couple, she just doesn't like or trust anyone, she has almost no friends & the friends she has had have all slighted her in some way, & then poof, there friends nomore...
if we went to a mall, it was only a matter of time before I was accused of staring at some girl or another... I swore there were times that I would just be zoned out & just walking through the mall, looking at everything in the mall maybe thinking about some tools to buy at sears & all of a sudden her personality would take a complete 180, she'd be in hate mode accusing me of looking at some girl & I swore I hadn't even seen the girl she was even talking about... most times though I'd know very well the type of girl that would trigger her... I eventually had to train myself to spot the sexy ones & divert my attention elseware... it was wild. if some really sexy looking girl was in the immediate area I was just screwed, as that would be a trigger for another episode.... sometimes in a crowded mall there is no safe direction though, there were girls every wear, half the times the girl she winded up getting irate about I really didn't have a clue who the heck she was even talking about! I would ask her who? what? where?... she would think that I was patronizing her I get more upset... it was rediculous... I rarely even go to the mall or places like that with her anymore, I would rather just drop her at the door & pick her up after, so much safer....
episodes would normally last a few days or even weeks of the silent treatment & it would drive me crazy, hours would feel like weeks & weeks would feel like forever, I would get very anxious & want to fix us now, get us back to her being happy, & it would frustrate me to no end that nothing I could say or do would do that... I couldn't believe she was acting the way she was, but I tried to understand her point of view, tried to understand, tried to explain... I tried & tried, & it was very trying, but I really loved her & really wanted to be with her & I refused to let he attacks push me away.
there were countless times that out of the blue she would just all of a sudden be distant & withdrawn, so I would ask whats wrong & I would get the usual answer... "nothing"... those "nothings" used to really drive me crazy, when she was in her "moods" it used to kill me, first cause I hated to see her in the "she hates me again" mode & second cause I had no clue what the heck I even did this time...at times she would actually get mad at me if a sexy woman was on TV, yeah, it was that bad, but I always figured that eventually she'd get it, as we grew older together & were together for years & years, had a son together, I always believed that some day she'd finally realize that I was not a cheater, that I did not want any other women, she had to realize that by now, but no, no....
I am learning that a paranoid personality disorder doesn't just go away... , it is a very hard thing to deal with in a spouse... I have to just absorb all of the abuse that's dished out to me, fighting back was totally useless & always makes it much worse, for the record I'm sure that 99% of the times she was 100% convinced that she was right & i was wrong, I was always wrong, she has told me that many times. there was nothing I could say or do to convince her otherwise, it has been very hard to deal with, & I have been with her for almost 20 years at this point... I love her, I don't want to leave her, even the few times she has actually even thrown me out in a violent rage, I just wouldn't leave... I love her & want to be with her & don't want anyone else, despite the abuse she puts me through, but it also hurts a lot sometimes...
for years I just couldn't understand it, although I tried & tried... I have tried to reason with her, I try to tell her that the feelings & emotions she is feeling is not caused by me, that I just didn't do anything wrong... I couldn't understand how at times though that she could actually think that I was a cheating lying person, it was just demoralizing, degrading... here my wife is actually believing that I could be this evil person, while all the while I was & am 100% faithful, never ever had the desire to cheat on her, never accepted the advances of other women nor made any toward any other woman, I just wouldn't do that, not really only for her, but for me. I really believe cheating to be a low evil hurtful thing to do, I wouldn't lower my own integrity for something like that, I'm a believer in don't do to others that which I don't want done to me... it would kill me if a mate ever cheated on me, & thank god I have never had to experience that, I just wouldn't do it. I have way to much self respect, but then I see that my own wife doesn't even have that much respect for me as a person, even after all these years of me just being there & taking all she can dish out... it can really hurt sometimes... there are many times that I just feel like a punching bag or a doormat, & she can be very violent & hateful to the point of almost being down right evil & vicious at times...
it is hard to describe the whole situation in just one post, & it is hard to describe the amount of abuse I can be dealt at times... there are many times that I just feel like what the hell is it worth even doing anything for, what's even the point of living if all my life is just going to be filled with misery... the paranoia in her personality does cause way more relationship problems than just the jealousy, although that's probably the #1 problem area,but there are many more. I mean it's really a shame, life could be so wonderful, when she's not in a paranoid mode she can be great, but it's only a matter of time before the next episode... it's like a roller coaster, no matter how great the relationship can beat any given point, it doesn't take much to trigger another episode... she always tells me that I never tell her that I love her, that I'm distant, that I don't give her what she needs to feel secure, but then she will abuse me & call me a cheating liar & scum & push me away & belittle me & wonder why I'm not so loving & affectionate lately...
she also is very paranoid in most other things, has trouble dealing with other people, she has every sign of the disorder, she meets all the criteria, they say to be classified as paranoid personality you'd need to meet at least 4 of the 7 distinct characteristics, well shes def got at least 6 of them for sure...
my latest episode was triggered because a customer of mine crashed her car & called my shop early in the morning to notify me that her car was being towed into my shop... my shop phone is forwarded to my cell, so my wife sees a womans name pop up in my phone... BANG... I get woken up with a very hostile "who is Linda with the Honda & why is she calling you at 6:30 in the morning?!?!"... with that crackly emotional voice she gets when shes distressed... oh boy, here we go again... "I don't know honey, maybe she got into an accident or something?" I mean I guess that would be the normal assumption, but not for her.... we haven't spoken or been cool for about the past week or so, as she dwells on all the reasons she's ever had for doubting me over & over, making herself miserable & of course her being miserable is enough to make me miserable... life is a constant roller coaster of these emotions...