dealing with paranoid personality disorder...

[peaceseeker]

hi, my name is john, found this forum in my searching & researching & reading & learning more about a personality disorder that I'm pretty sure my wife of over 15 years is suffering from, paranoid personality disorder. I have just finally discovered this disorder & feel such a sense of relief, I knew I wasn't crazy & that this just wasn't a normal way to live... the years & years of abuse I've been through in living with my wife finally makes some sense to me, there is a reason to what has at times felt like madness, all wrapped up in a personality disorder, as much as reading more & more about this disorder is depressing, it is also somewhat validating to read about, if you understand what I mean by that... it's a relief to see that this is a real, documented illness, although it does also suck to realize that it is a real, documented mental illness too...

I've always known my wife to be touchy, I've told her for years that sometimes just talking to her is like walking on eggshells... I've always known her to be jealous... even when we were first dating she accused me several times... many times actually, of either flirting with, or lusting for other women. accused me of cheating on a regular basis... I guess I just grew up expecting girls to be jealous & suspicious creatures in general, so I didn't see this as so abnormal in the beginning

even dating, we could be at great point of togetherness, all loving & connected, everything beautiful, but god forbid we winded up with a flirtatious or even pretty waitress, I was doomed. she would go into a jealous rage & accuse me of flirting with her & checking her out, say stuff like "if you want to be with her then just go", say how much I disrespected her by doing what I did... very very temper mental, but I was in love with her & always did whatever I could to try & convince her that it wasn't true... she could stay mad at me for really long times too... I couldn't describe it as anything but totally irrational behaviour...

friends of mines girlfriends were almost always an issue.. she believed that they all flirted with me, or I flirted with them, or I was screwing around with them, I was staring at her ass, I wanted them instead of her... they were mean to her, they were talking about her behind her back... needless to say, with a wife that suffers from paranoid personality disorder, I cannot have any friends that we could hang out with as a couple, she just doesn't like or trust anyone, she has almost no friends & the friends she has had have all slighted her in some way, & then poof, there friends nomore...

if we went to a mall, it was only a matter of time before I was accused of staring at some girl or another... I swore there were times that I would just be zoned out & just walking through the mall, looking at everything in the mall maybe thinking about some tools to buy at sears & all of a sudden her personality would take a complete 180, she'd be in hate mode accusing me of looking at some girl & I swore I hadn't even seen the girl she was even talking about... most times though I'd know very well the type of girl that would trigger her... I eventually had to train myself to spot the sexy ones & divert my attention elseware... it was wild. if some really sexy looking girl was in the immediate area I was just screwed, as that would be a trigger for another episode.... sometimes in a crowded mall there is no safe direction though, there were girls every wear, half the times the girl she winded up getting irate about I really didn't have a clue who the heck she was even talking about! I would ask her who? what? where?... she would think that I was patronizing her I get more upset... it was rediculous... I rarely even go to the mall or places like that with her anymore, I would rather just drop her at the door & pick her up after, so much safer....

episodes would normally last a few days or even weeks of the silent treatment & it would drive me crazy, hours would feel like weeks & weeks would feel like forever, I would get very anxious & want to fix us now, get us back to her being happy, & it would frustrate me to no end that nothing I could say or do would do that... I couldn't believe she was acting the way she was, but I tried to understand her point of view, tried to understand, tried to explain... I tried & tried, & it was very trying, but I really loved her & really wanted to be with her & I refused to let he attacks push me away.

there were countless times that out of the blue she would just all of a sudden be distant & withdrawn, so I would ask whats wrong & I would get the usual answer... "nothing"... those "nothings" used to really drive me crazy, when she was in her "moods" it used to kill me, first cause I hated to see her in the "she hates me again" mode & second cause I had no clue what the heck I even did this time...at times she would actually get mad at me if a sexy woman was on TV, yeah, it was that bad, but I always figured that eventually she'd get it, as we grew older together & were together for years & years, had a son together, I always believed that some day she'd finally realize that I was not a cheater, that I did not want any other women, she had to realize that by now, but no, no....

I am learning that a paranoid personality disorder doesn't just go away... , it is a very hard thing to deal with in a spouse... I have to just absorb all of the abuse that's dished out to me, fighting back was totally useless & always makes it much worse, for the record I'm sure that 99% of the times she was 100% convinced that she was right & i was wrong, I was always wrong, she has told me that many times. there was nothing I could say or do to convince her otherwise, it has been very hard to deal with, & I have been with her for almost 20 years at this point... I love her, I don't want to leave her, even the few times she has actually even thrown me out in a violent rage, I just wouldn't leave... I love her & want to be with her & don't want anyone else, despite the abuse she puts me through, but it also hurts a lot sometimes...

for years I just couldn't understand it, although I tried & tried... I have tried to reason with her, I try to tell her that the feelings & emotions she is feeling is not caused by me, that I just didn't do anything wrong... I couldn't understand how at times though that she could actually think that I was a cheating lying person, it was just demoralizing, degrading... here my wife is actually believing that I could be this evil person, while all the while I was & am 100% faithful, never ever had the desire to cheat on her, never accepted the advances of other women nor made any toward any other woman, I just wouldn't do that, not really only for her, but for me. I really believe cheating to be a low evil hurtful thing to do, I wouldn't lower my own integrity for something like that, I'm a believer in don't do to others that which I don't want done to me... it would kill me if a mate ever cheated on me, & thank god I have never had to experience that, I just wouldn't do it. I have way to much self respect, but then I see that my own wife doesn't even have that much respect for me as a person, even after all these years of me just being there & taking all she can dish out... it can really hurt sometimes... there are many times that I just feel like a punching bag or a doormat, & she can be very violent & hateful to the point of almost being down right evil & vicious at times...

it is hard to describe the whole situation in just one post, & it is hard to describe the amount of abuse I can be dealt at times... there are many times that I just feel like what the hell is it worth even doing anything for, what's even the point of living if all my life is just going to be filled with misery... the paranoia in her personality does cause way more relationship problems than just the jealousy, although that's probably the #1 problem area,but there are many more. I mean it's really a shame, life could be so wonderful, when she's not in a paranoid mode she can be great, but it's only a matter of time before the next episode... it's like a roller coaster, no matter how great the relationship can beat any given point, it doesn't take much to trigger another episode... she always tells me that I never tell her that I love her, that I'm distant, that I don't give her what she needs to feel secure, but then she will abuse me & call me a cheating liar & scum & push me away & belittle me & wonder why I'm not so loving & affectionate lately...

she also is very paranoid in most other things, has trouble dealing with other people, she has every sign of the disorder, she meets all the criteria, they say to be classified as paranoid personality you'd need to meet at least 4 of the 7 distinct characteristics, well shes def got at least 6 of them for sure...

my latest episode was triggered because a customer of mine crashed her car & called my shop early in the morning to notify me that her car was being towed into my shop... my shop phone is forwarded to my cell, so my wife sees a womans name pop up in my phone... BANG... I get woken up with a very hostile "who is Linda with the Honda & why is she calling you at 6:30 in the morning?!?!"... with that crackly emotional voice she gets when shes distressed... oh boy, here we go again... "I don't know honey, maybe she got into an accident or something?" I mean I guess that would be the normal assumption, but not for her.... we haven't spoken or been cool for about the past week or so, as she dwells on all the reasons she's ever had for doubting me over & over, making herself miserable & of course her being miserable is enough to make me miserable... life is a constant roller coaster of these emotions...

 

[peaceseeker]

that was a lot of words, but not enough room to even finish



for years I have always been very hurt by her attacks & accusations, I felt like she just doesn't respect me or my worth as a human being to even think that i would do the things she imagines, but now I think I realize that it's not that she doesn't respect me, it's more that she just doesn't respect or trust ANYONE at all... needless to say she doesn't have many friends, as it won't be long until they too are seen as a threat or she is able to "see through" that person & know of there bad intentions...

now, to make matters even worse, it turns out that her mother is the same way & worse... I somehow winded up getting myself into a situation of actually having to live with her mother as well, I winded up being talked into buying 1/2 of her mothers house when her husband passed, & it wasn't until I had the pleasure of living with her mother that I found out about her mental instability & extreme paranoia too... she is a real work of art there... her hobby & the way she spends most of her days are sitting at the window watching all the neighbors, she thinks there all nosy & she thinks there all jealous & hateful of her, she is obsessed with monitoring what everyone else is doing around her... I have seen her go through 2 episodes of total psychotic meltdown so far, thank god my wife actually witnessed one of them or she would have never believed me about the second one, in which she attacked me with some of the most derogatory & hateful things that I have ever heard from any human being... it seems that one night I forgot to double lock the front door... this set on an episode of paranoia that she thought someone would come in the house & kill her... she told me that if that happened that her other daughter would hunt me down & kill me... she slandered & abused me verbally to a degree that I have never encountered from anyone... she even said how disappointed she was in her daughter in choosing me for a husband & so many other hateful things, yet, I have to live with her & try to show her respect now even though I know she hates me... I think she just hates everyone though, so I learn to try & live with that too...

living with 2 women with this disorder can be hell at times, but thankfully I am now learning the hows & whys of what I have been going through... I really wish I knew how to give my wife the peace of mind that comes with contentment, but it seems that I will never be able to do that. it's really a shame, life could be so wonderful instead of this constant roller coaster with thunderous crashing episodes that can happen at any time out of the blue... I feel sorry for both my wife & my mother-in-law but I am also fearful of how this will affect my son growing up in this sort of household... I hate the feeling of helplessness & feel like I am condemned to a life of unhappiness, I wish I knew how to help my wife & I'd give anything to see her forever happy

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi peaceseeker

I'm so sorry that you are going through a hard time at the moment.
I was wondering, does your wife work? The reason I ask is, if she had such a disorder it is likely to manifest iteself in all aspects of her life. I know you said she doesn't trust anyone, but from what you it seemed to be in relation to you, being seen as 'a threat' or have I got that wrong?

As you have probably already read, paranoid personality disorder can be hereditary, if her mother displayed that behavior then it may well be that your wife learned that behavior too.

Look i'm no expert at this, but I wonder if it would be worth asking your wife, how your mothers behavior affected her as a child? In getting her answer if you can relate to how she was affected, perhaps you can tell her that her behavior is affecting you in the same way, and perhaps also your son. This may motivate her to address some of her issues. If she suffered as a result of her mothers behavior she may want to try and address her own to prevent suffering within her own family.

Whether someone has a disorder or not, I feel violence should not be tolerated, this can be traumatic both for you and your son, and I feel that you should not accept that behavior and she would need to accept and respect that. Women should not hit men and vise versa, gender is not an issue in this case.

It might be worth suggesting you get some relationship counselling, or that she seeks some professional therapy of her own. If she did decide to go on her own I would suggest that you seek counselling of your own too or perhaps even regardless of whether she goes or not, the many years of difficulty you have experienced may be having an effect on you too, and perhaps you can discuss you putting up some boundaries, that keep both you and her safe. I would advise if you get relationship counselling that you seek a male counsellor to try and avoid triggering a jealous response etc if that is likley to happen.

It does not sound as if her behavior and seemingly paranoid feelings are actually making her happy, she sounds very unhappy in fact from what you say. Perhaps if that is the case you should highlight that to her too, to encourage her to seek some form of help.

I'm no expert at this disorder but they would be the avenues I would go down. In the meantime, do keep posting, sometimes just writing down your feelings can provide some form of relief.

 

[peaceseeker]

thank you sapphire for taking the time to reply to my post... I do agree that just talking about this here can be a big help for me, as i really have no one else that I can really talk to about this...

she does not work, hasn't in over 14 years, stopped when my son was born. before that she did work, but she did not get along well with most of her co workers, they were all vindictive & hateful & spiteful to her... funny in that at the time she worked with my sister & that's actually how we met, through her...

she does not do well in social situations, she is very suspicious & untrusting in general, she does read into the most little obscure gesture or remark & gets defensive & down right mean at times... she is not a people person really, not outgoing, in general she has a dislike for most people, especially women I think... she is sure that most of the other mothers at my sons school are not nice people, they all have hidden agendas & they are all jealous of her, competitive of her & our son, they are all just not nice at all according to her...

she is very self conscious & insecure, for example she has a hard time doing even simple things over the phone, if we need to call the cable company or any other normal dealings with just strangers even on the phone she has trouble doing it & will usually ask me to do it. she even used to insist that I call up to order take out & stuff, cause she just doesn't want to have to talk to anyone at times, although now she can call & order take out by herself too, it's just not something she even feels comfortable with, talking & ... she thinks she doesn't speak well, doesn't know what to say sometimes, she is very self conscious when she does speak & I notice that she does accentuate her grammar & makes very high effort to try & speak correctly & proper, but she is always self conscious of what she says & how she says it, while also being very critical of what others say & how they say it... touchy is an understatement

I'm sorry if I gave the impression that she abuses me physically, as that's not really the case at all... I mean I guess there have been a few times that she has hit me or thrown stuff out of sheer frustration, but for the most part that is not an issue... the abuse I speak of is more mental & verbal... honestly I would rather she just hit me, at least then maybe she'd be able to vent some of her frustration. sometimes the verbal & mental abuse can just feel so much worse & wound so much deeper...

I find myself sometimes just saying in my head over & over & over again, "there HAS to be a better way to live..." many times I half feel like the only answer is to just blow my brains out... sometimes it can be very hard to even find the will to live when it seems like I'm just doomed to misery... it can be hard to just even deal with daily activities at work, as I can sometimes just get so consumed with the stress that can go with dealing with this over & over again, & get to the point that I just don't care about anything... not to mention that work itself can also be highly stressful at times too, but I feel like I can deal with it, I can deal with anything, as long as there is some reason to, a reason to live... my main reason to live is to be there for my family, but it sucks sometimes to see that no matter how much I struggle & try to just make them happy I sometimes just can't...

now don't get me wrong, I would never actually kill myself I don't think, as I think that is a very selfish thing to do & it would hurt so many around me, I live for my son & for my wife, & I would always want to be there for them, no matter how hard it can be sometimes... but it can at times be hard to find the will & reason to live & I can picture just blowing my brains out to just end the agony & misery when I am the height of depression in a current situation of yet another episode...

in general I feel that most times she is just not a happy person, she thinks it is I who make her unhappy, that I don't show her the love & attention she needs, I'm distant at times, moody at times, uncaring according to her... I could type for hours & hours & there is just so much to say, but in a nutshell I love her & only want her to be happy... my life would be content to no end if I could just always see her happy... maybe that's selfish, I don't know, but she & my son are the most important thing to me in my life, but yet I am just being pushed away & abused so much too...

her mother is another whole issue in itself, & like I said, I now live with the two of them... they spend almost every waking hour together, & they are most times the only social interaction they have, each other... we have no company over, I've lived in the house now almost 2 years & have never had even one guest or friend over, my family even has never been to my house... there not too fond of my family really & there are other issues there too. her mother is definitely worse, also very obsessive compulsive & controlling, extremely paranoid, judge mental, critical & untrusting of anyone, hateful & very prejudiced & judgemental... she alone can be a lot to deal with, but I always bite my tongue, always show restraint & respect, always just take it & absorb it till I just get to the point that I think my head will explode... I'm sure there are some issues that they have gone through in the past, I know that she did have a third daughter but she died when she was young, I don't know all the details but I know they don't like to talk about it & I have never pried much there.. her mother is also divorced from her first husband & does hate him with a passion too... I'm sure that her childhood was probably troubling & I guess that could be a contributing factor...


if I could illustrate how it feels to just be home sometimes I would show a picture of a bright sunny neighborhood with happiness & sunshine all around, but then a deep dark cloud just over my house, in the shadows of just pure misery... it goes very deep into my being, & it just really hurts sometimes...

now that I have just discovered the classification of this illness I just so much want to show it to her, to tell her this is what I believe is her problem, our problem, but I am very afraid to. I'm afraid she will take this as yet another attack, yet another episode of me putting her down & belittling her, just another way of me proving that I am right & she is wrong... I don't think I could get her to go to therapy, as I'm sure you know from knowing the symptoms of this illness, she will think there is nothing wrong with her way of thinking, she will feel justified in all her actions & suspicions of others & not really see what I see here...

I do have so much frustration & depression from this situation & am half thinking of trying to talk to someone myself, & yeah, your right, it had better be a man... for so many years I have wished that I could have a secretary at my shop, dealing with everything myself there can be another exercise in frustration itself, but I know that I could never do that, if I had a secretary I'm sure that would just lead to divorce, she could never handle that... there was one time that I did have a male assistant for a bit over a year, & in that time I made more money than I have ever, before or since, having a secretary would help my business so much but it is totally out of the question... there are just so many things that I just can't do in life, because I know the problems it would cause... I have to live my life like walking on eggshells, it doesn't take much to trigger yet another episode...

now don't get me wrong, it's not always 100% misery, I guess my posting here is just focusing on that & it may seem like I'm saying it's always that way but it's not. there are some good times, some happy times, & I long for them, I live fore them, it just really sucks that at any given time the cloud of misery can just return in an instant, & back in hell I am yet again... it's not always horrible or disfuctional, it's more like a rollercoaster, rising up & up & up, but, inevitabally it's only a matter of time before the bottom just slips out & the whole situation just comes crashing down...

 

[mazz75]

My GF has accused me of many things at times and driven me to distraction
I developed a two pronged approach as we were setting each other off and arguing over nothing real (we probably both have the paranoid disorder!)

1 ) I'm on Prozac which is really helping to calm me down
2 ) Flowers, presents, tell her I love her. I'm going to live for the good times
I haven't stopped being very romantic since this new approach. I really enjoy it too

The mother, aarrghh, sympathies mate. Hard to have a normal childhood with one of those, probably explains things.

 

[peaceseeker]

hey guys, just an update.

I gotta say, just knowing the reasons behind her actions alone has proven to be a big help for me. I now don't feel the same deep pain & resentment on the occasional attacks, just knowing the source of them & the situation alone has made dealing with it just so much easier. for example, a few months ago my son was really busting my chops to get an Iphone, he had the money for it & his allowance alone would cover the bulk of the additional bill that he would be responsible for, I knew that he was getting a little over his head with the bill & that he would be sacrificing money that he would otherwise have available to him for day 2 day needs, "it's my money, why can't I do what I want with it?" he was insistent & my thoughts were this could be a valuable lesson for him, learning at 13 years old what it feels like to get in over your head with bills can't be a bad thing, of course worse case I would still be there as a buffer & a bailout when he did realizes that the bill was too much for him, so I let him do what he really thought he wanted to do, after explaining everything to him... well, my wife in hearing this got pissed off, she turned around & accused me of "setting him up for failure" & other derogatory remarks towards me & my actions... she made it out to seem that I wanted to somehow hurt him... my son, the one person on this earth that I would give my own life for... she stated what was going to happen to him, he'll suffer... all along while I had to keep saying do you really think i'm going to let that happen to him???

now normally I would have been very hurt by the accusations that I was purposely setting him up for failure & I wanted to hurt him, but, since learning of the personality disorder & the traits of it, I was able to not get so hurt, I was able to just chalk it up as another manifestation of her paranoia, & I was able to calmly explain my point of view & have her hurtful words just glance off of me. also, in now knowing what I'm dealing with, I am now able to handle this more like a therapist than a pissed off & hurt husband

by the way, it took 3 months for my son to realize what it was that I explained to him over & over & he finally admitted I was right, we gave up the Iphone, sold it to cover the early termination, no harm done & believe me he learned a valuable lesson.. he has since become even more financially savvy & I think the whole episode will be a great lesson for him later on in life which was my only real intension to begin with...

there have been several episodes since, but I think the big difference here to me is my understanding of them & where they come from, don't get me wrong they can still be hurtful, but not nearly as much... if a person with turrets syndrome curses at you, you don't take so much offense to it of course, they can't help it, well I now feel similar here, instead of it bothering me as to why my wife would think these thoughts of me & being deeply hurt by them I now look at them as almost like the cursing of a turrets sufferer, she's saying it but she can't help it... only problem is, deep down inside I also know that at the time at least, she really is having these ill thoughts of me too... the best I can do now is try to absorb them, not overreact to them adding fuel to the fire & continuously try & be as understanding as I can & talk to her differently than I would have had I been hurt & felt attacked... it is still sad to see her not be so happy much of the time, but I no longer feel like it's my fault, my doing, & in my heart I know that I'm just doing whatever I can to deal with it as best I can & try to help her in these episodes... I don't think I will ever mention to her what I have discovered as her personality disorder, can't see that helping in any way, just deal with it day to day & grow a very thick skin is the best I can do for now...

thanks to all those who have shared there similar situation with me from here too, it's nice to know that I am not alone in this situation, & I feel for each & every one of you who happens to be dealing with this illness... from the few I've talked to it seems to not be so uncommon for some to live through this for many many years, all with unwavering devotion... after all, it would have to be, otherwise you'd just be another one of the jerks who didn't work out & just be long gone it takes a lot of love & dedication to be able to deal with this & still stick around...

 

[Neferakhet]

Hi there Peaceseeker.First of all in my opinion,you have described the situation very well.I'm sorry that you have been through this for over 20 years,and am impressed by your determination not to have walked away while most other people would probably have walked away.Also I'm sorry to hear that due to your wife's possible paranoid disorder issues,and also your mother in laws you have suffered much thus far.

I don't like to simplify things in general,but for solutions some matters need to be summarized and simplifed.So about that major and unfortunate problem of yours,here is a summary of the situation :

- You are married for a long time and you have a kid from this marriage.
- You love your wife,are very dedicated,caring,helpful towards her like an ideal husband should be.
- Your wife on the otherhand,can not meet your expectations of compassion and love,appreciation due to the fact that she is at most times incapable of doing so due to her paranoid disorder issue.(which isn't diagnosed for sure yet)
- Your relationship together is a one-sided one,and not a mutual-balanced one since you are the one always supposed to give everything,exert enormous effort for the continuation of your relationship.
- There is the issue of your mother in law which makes the whole situation more problematic,multiplying the pressure you receive from your wife.
- You have tried real hard to change her,to make her see that she is delusional about many things she accused you of yet all those efforts of yours yielded no successfull results sofar in 20 years.
- And finally you are deprived of some serious social interactions which you may benefit from socially due to your wife's jealousy issues.You can't receive guests for dinner,your own family can not visity you etc.

So according to those points,there are 2 main paths you can take from now on to deal with that problem which haunts your life.

1- Cease trying to show her that you aren't that kind of man she thinks you are.Accept the fact that you can not make her see the light nor can change her in a positive way.Try to concentrate on your work and on your son,spend time with him as much as possible,he is important he is a young soul do your best effort for him so that he won't be effected in a negative way from his mother and mother in law in a negative way.

When she's cold towards you in return be cold as well.Just stop striving for things for your wife(not your son).Enough is enough.And I would recommend against trying to convince your life for therapy.It's most likely that she will deny that anythings wrong with her and will remain obdurate about not accepting any therapy.Also it's a chance that this may be a fatal blow and may trigger some serious problems,jeopardizing whatever little peace you have within the family.

2- The second path you may choose is simply divorce.But I must say that this is somehow a perilious road both economically,and both for your own general psychological well being.But mind you that it's perfectly normal and could be a viable solution as well.Divorce is there for as an option when things don't work out.

However,how can this be perilious economically.I assume you live in U.S,don't know which state you live in but I think your wife will take 50 percent of what you own.You said that she hasn't worked for 14 years so I presume that you provide for the family.Economics is of utmost importance in Life so consider this issue carefully.Can you afford the aftermath of a divorce economically?

On the otherhand think of it like that.. There is a chance that it will buy you your peace which in my opinion is the most valuable thing in life and one of the hardest things to attain.

An another important point about the divorce path,is for you to do your best to get the custody of your son no matter what.If need be do not hesitate to provide for the court that your wife has serious mental issues,try to provide evidence for the court of her perpetual actions to create problems within the family based on paranoid and delusional thinking without any foundation.

Do not hesitate to employ the best divorce lawyer you can afford.Your son deserves to be with you since you are more caring more stable and when compared obviously superior to your wife in many aspects.He will be much better growing up with you and it's very important for his life and development.

About the psychological problems you may experience post-divorce.. I understand that this was a long-termed marriage.And you still love your wife.So you may feel a void afterwards perphaps for a long time which may be hard to fill.There are lots of details which one gets accustomed to in a long-termed relationship,especially in a marriage with your spouse which becomes part of you as you yourself may know.

So divorce may seem like a hard path but there is a chance that you may get good results as the aftermath unlike the other option which is basically just put up with it and accept it until your last breath.Have to face it you aren't happy and you don't have peace.

Remember that to reach the light you first need to walk and pass the dark tunnel.I apologise if I overstepped my boundaries with some of my remarks.

 

[*Sapphire*]

Are you or ever have you been married Neferakhet with children?

 

[basil]

Well I'm in the same position as Peaceseeker actually it's identical except I've been in it a lot longer.
Neferakhet has put the choices very well and they have bounced around my head for more years than I care to remember. He hasn't mentioned the third choice however and that is to just put up with it and endure it all.
Women like my wife and peaceseeker's exploit our weakness and decency. They got away with abuse from the start of the marriage and will never stop. I was popular at work and lost count of the number of times I had to turn down invitations because I knew I would be in for it and she didn't want to associate with those "people" My own mother has not been to our house in twelve years, but I drive her to see her own abusive, violent, alcoholic mother who now "can't help it and is old anyway"
Sometimes someone like Neferakhet even if maybe not married and with no children can see our situation in a clearer light and make more sense of it for us.

 

[Neferakhet]

Are you or ever have you been married Neferakhet with children?

I am not married at the moment.I have been married though.Never had children.

 

[basil]

I'm not sure if this paranoid personality disorder is hereditary or a result of bad upbringing. My mother in law apparently regularly went on drinking binges and then beat the children up when she got home. My wife has scars on her neck caused by an attack with a nail file. A scar on the head caused by being hit with a stilleto heel and a scar on her lip caused by a hurled potato. That's just the blows that left a mark. I haven't seen my daughter or grandaughter for six years because believe it or not my grandaughter put some of my wife's make up on her face while she was here. My daughters partner has also been given the same treatment as me and seems to be hellbent on following in my footsteps.
My wife and her sister fell out during a phone call and never spoke for thirty years. A year ago my sister in law sent my wife a birthday card and I managed to get her to call and say thank you. They are now reconciled and guess what, my sister in law's daughter is exactly the same as my daughter. No friends, hates everybody, bears grudges.
Everything in life is about them and them alone. They are unable to see the hurt and pain they cause for people that feed, clothe and support them and try to love them. I suppose in a few days my wife will start speaking to me again after all it's been four days now. I think I've made it worse though. I was out driving today and saw a friend's wife in front so I gave a toot and a wave. She looked a bit baffled and drove on. A couple of hours later the phone rang and she was apologising for ignoring me as she said the sun was on my windscreen and she'd just realised it was my car. She asked to speak to my wife for a chat and my wife wouldn't speak to her.
I do say to myself it's not my wife's fault, but I shouldn't have to take it. It would be nice to just be able to ignore it and do my own thing and do what I like. The trouble is it makes me feel ill. I lose my appetite and get headaches through the stress and I'm sure she knows exactly what she's doing.

 

[*Sapphire*]

I am not married at the moment.I have been married though.Never had children.

I apologise Neferakhet, I did not mean that question to sound like an attack. I was just surprised, your answers seemed so cut and dry and in my opinion marriages and feelings of love, can be very complex and unique.

This is what peacekeeper said in his first post.

I love her, I don't want to leave her, even the few times she has actually even thrown me out in a violent rage, I just wouldn't leave... I love her & want to be with her & don't want anyone else, despite the abuse she puts me through, but it also hurts a lot sometimes...

It complicates things as does being a parent.

I don't think peacekeeper has only two options, he has three, four, a multitude of options.

I am not inferring that I agree wholly with peacekeepers current solution, however I do agree with parts of it.

I have/had a 'personality disorder', and yes at times my behaviour was perhaps at times unacceptable, but with some compassion and understanding, and being shown a different way of being and doing things by example and through love I have learned how to live my life a better way.

I thought the tangents in peacekeepers reference to his sons learning was an excellent demonstration of this:

by the way, it took 3 months for my son to realize what it was that I explained to him over & over & he finally admitted I was right, we gave up the Iphone, sold it to cover the early termination, no harm done & believe me he learned a valuable lesson.. he has since become even more financially savvy & I think the whole episode will be a great lesson for him later on in life which was my only real intension to begin with...

And as he says, this solution does not neccessarily have to be permanent:

can't see that helping in any way, just deal with it day to day & grow a very thick skin is the best I can do for now...

Perhaps it is the best he can do for now.

I am glad to hear you are coping with things better peacekeeper, I apologise for referring to you in this post I hope you don't mind!

 

[Neferakhet]

In any case I think different inputs at different posts coming from various people can be beneficial for Peaceseeker.We may point out some other facts,or aspects which the other does not.Eventually he is the one to decide about what to do,and he is the one who knows the whole situation much more throughly than any of us.

About the complexity and uniqueness of marriages and love,I agree though on each one of different cases general similarities can be found.

 

[*Sapphire*]

In any case I think different inputs at different posts coming from various people can be beneficial for Peaceseeker.We may point out some other facts,or aspects which the other does not.Eventually he is the one to decide about what to do,and he is the one who knows the whole situation much more throughly than any of us.

I wholly agree

 

[peaceseeker]

well I think one common trait of this disorder is the way it is easy for the person to just cut off anyone at any given time, even the closest family members... I can remember a time when she wouldn't even talk to her own sister for a good long while, although she does again now, her sister is one of the only 3 people she even associates with, the others are her mother of course & one friend, although I can tell you from experience her friends days are numbered too, the only reason she even associates with this one "friend" is because her son & my son are best friends from school, & she makes the sacrifice of dealing with this Friend just for my son to have someone to play with, believe me for someone with this disorder, just having to associate with another person is laborious & hard, I'm sure she feels like she is putting up with this person as a sacrifice for my son...

she also has much dislike for her own father & hasn't talked to him in years too, there was one point that she did wind up talking to her father & we visited them a few times, but then out of the blue she just decided again that she just didn't want to be bothered with him again & that was that, haven't seen or heard mention of him in years... think it's very easy for them to just cut off all contact with just about anyone at any given time..

she was kinda close with my own sister for a long while, but like any relationship with a person with this disorder, my sister could sometimes innocently make comments that could at times be taken as malicious by my wife too as is the case with anyone who interacts with someone with this disorder. then, again just out of the blue she just stopped talking to my sister, never answers the phone nor returns her calls... after a while I guess my sister kind of got the hint that she just didn't want to be bothered by her so now they are just very distant... she will still talk to her & is friendly with her if we ever did get together with her, but the frequency of this is now reduced to maybe once a year if that... she just has no interest in associating with her all of a sudden...

divorce is something that I would hardly consider, I mean I am an easy going person with very little wants & needs for myself really, it's not like I have desire for other women or anything like that, basically my life revolves around working & working & working, for my family... they are my driving force & what I live for, I think I've given up thinking so much about what I really want a long time ago, because in the end with someone like this, what I want is really not important, all that's important is what SHE wants...

she is the mother of my son & me divorcing her would not be what I'd want for my son, he is only 13 & he needs me... she also in her own way needs me... the house & the bills most certainly need me too... I have a responsibility to the commitments I've made & the life I've grown into, I'm not a quitter nor a selfish person that would put my own needs above those I care about for the most part... her taking 50% of what I own? that means nothing to me, hell I'd give up 100% of what I own if I knew that was the solution to her & my sons happiness & well being, I'd willingly die tomorrow if that would accomplish this, but of course it wouldn't. many times I feel like a horse that's drawing a carriage, just keep whipping & beating me & I'll keep pulling the weight, that's what I'm there for... me? I guess I've given up so much caring about me a long time ago, only reason to go on living is for them... I'm betting that even when my son reaches the age of going out on his own I'll still be there with her, I mean at that point my life will be over for the most part anyway, hell sometimes it feels like it is over already but I have to just keep on going for them... I don't think I'd want to leave & abandon her, I do love her, but then again I won't say that at that point too it couldn't also get a lot worse.. I see her turning into her mother I guess... wow, that's just a depressing thought...

so I go on, indulging myself into whatever hobby or tasks I can find for my own outlet. I enjoy working on cars & this is my outlet... I have quite a few friends but I can only get so close to friends as there is no way I can really socialize with them on a higher level... going out with another couple? I've given up on that a long time ago... having friends over to the house? near impossible... funny in that a week ago 2 of my friends just happened to be right in my neighborhood for something, & one of them mentioned something like hey, maybe we can come over & check out your place while we have to wait, I just had to skip around this & ignore there comments, it does kind of suck that I can't fully associate with even friends when it comes to the house with the dark cloud over it....

wow, reading my own writing I almost feel pathetic, I mean I think if I knew someone else in this situation I'd be trying to beat into them that your own happiness is not worth sacrificing & all that other good advice I guess I could see, no one should have to give up there life & there happiness for another, but, this is what living with this does to someone after so long, little by little you loose your own desires & you loose the whole caring about yourself I guess, I smoke a lot & have no desire to quit, I'm not such a very health conscious person although thankfully up until now I'm in decent physical health, sometimes I think that subconsciously a part of me just wants to die, I def do not fear death other than the fear of not being there for them... I honestly think that if I live long enough for my son to be grown & on with his own life that I'd be satisfied, I have very little desire to live a very long life & grow very old, for what???

pathetic I guess... it's amazing how someone can get to this point, guess you can't understand it though until you've been there... years & years of this abuse just take there toll I guess, it's not easy for an otherwise healthy happy & ambitious person to just give up caring about there own self but guess what, this can do just that... I really want to thank those of you who fully realize what the situation is like & sharing your stories with me too...