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Dealing with my own severe problems and my mum

A

Alice07Hatter

Member
Joined
May 20, 2016
Messages
18
Hey everyone,
I usually post about my ocd in these forums but today I'm looking more so for advice on how to cope with my mums depression.

So my mum is a very very clingy and needy person, more so now because she had to have her leg amputated a couple of years ago and is of course finding that hard to deal with. Now I have a good relationship with my mum but I feel like there have been several things in my life so far which have made me emotionally distance myself from her to stop myself getting hurt.

So my mum brought me up as a single parent until I was about 11 years old. Through out my life I have realised she has been emotionally dependent on me from when I was a child, and thus I am now unable to deal with her properly as an adult would.
When I was probably about 6 years old was the first time I really remember her having a breakdown in front of me, and me having to stick up for her against an ex. I remember her screaming and crying and swearing at him and I remember having to "protect" her in a way because I ended up telling him to leave myself. A few other minor occasions happened e.g. my mum getting so drunk I had to look after her, not regularly by any means, but I remember probably 4 or 5 times which panicked me under age 11. One of these times has always stayed with me because I remember she took me to London and got so hammered she could barely walk, I was about 8 crying cause I couldn't find her and when I managed to get to her when we got to the train station she dropped a football flag on the tracks and tried to get it, while I was crying begging her to stop because of the obvious and I ended up running up to a man and asking him to help her. Continuing on we got home and she told me she hated me for not letting her get it and loved football more than me. My mum is usually very loving and caring and was not a bad mum - just pointing out a few things out of years of good which I remember to be specifically gut reaching even now.

Fast forward to when she met my step dad, he was basically a controlling **** and ended up putting a rift in between me and my mum, he told my mum horrible things about me, he would shout in my face and me being use to being defensive would always shout back, same as if he was shouting at my mum and I would told to not get involved. He and my mum would smoke weed in the kitchen all evening from about 5pm and not come out, the door would be shut, so I would have no choice but to sit on my own in my room and this was fine for my mum at the time (now a 23 year old, if I go in my room I get 21 questions and you never stay in here with me). I was pretty much pushed aside and from my mum relying on me, to me being able to do whatever I wanted, pretty much literally. Aged 13 - 16 I was out all hours, doing stupid stuff and getting hammered, fighting, being questioned by police, my mum was oblivious to it all. My mum no longer needed me in the same way to the same level, and I felt like I was now free to do what I wanted to do. As before this I felt responsible for my mum, I dont know why exactly because my mum was a really good mum, always did everything for me, but I think I was too exposed to everything, things you would usually hide from a child e.g. the screaming break up.

A few years in my step dad calls me while I'm out at the fair with my friends and tells me to come home my mums tried to kill herself. So of course I run home to find my mum unresponsive laying on the floor, I was distraught, I was shaking her telling her to get up, crying, calling her a stupid *****, asking why she would do this. I told my step dad to call an ambulance but he said she would be fine. She was breathing and apparently hadn't taken too many pills, but she was also drinking. She ended up being fine and we never spoke about it again really. I'm still not sure if that was her actual intentions. Moving forward again, throughout the times my mum was drunk with my step dad she was always horrible to me and we argued like hell - another reason why I cant stand to be around her drunk now but she says that wouldn't happen because she only was like that then because of him.

Anywho after a few shit years, I became seriously mentally ill. My mum tried to help, im aware ocd is hard to understand and she did try. But she sided with my step dad, who thought i was putting it on to suit myself, and left me home for 2 weeks alone aged 16 while I was quite possibly at my worst point in my breakdown. I wouldn't eat, drink, or leave the house, I went down from 9 stone to starving myself and being 7 stone between age 16 - 18. So by this point I felt like I had had to deal with a lot by myself and as I got older I was very independent and could do whatever I wanted, while my step dad was around that is.

That was until my step dad left and my mum then became reliant on me all of a sudden, she didn't want to be alone, she didn't want me to go out, she didn't want me to do whatever I wanted anymore. Going forward a few years to now, she is now disabled and actually does need help and emotional support and whenever she gets upset and crys its like I have some sort of emotional stunt, my heart hurts, my head shuts down and I feel numb. I cant cope with it, I cant deal with her and I dont know why exactly. I tell myself I'm an adult and should be able to be there for her, but its like I get this feeling of fear and anger because I feel like she's my mum. She's the parent and its often been the other way round in the emotional sense. But now there is a legitimate reason and I just can't cope with it. Not to mention I'm still severely mentally ill and can't even cope with my own issues. I dont know what to do, I feel like a horrible person because my mum says to me when she gets upset that most other people wouldn't just walk away but I have to. Especially after I've done my best to talk to her and she carries on. This time its because I mentioned moving out with my boyfriend in a few YEARS and she's been crying for 3 days saying she's panicking and scared to be by herself. And then it makes me feel bad because I think I should be able to have my own life and freedom and I feel like if my step dad was still around she wouldn't particularly care if I left. But then on the other hand i think what kind of person abandons their disabled mum. She then always always, says she feels exactly the same as me. If I'm having a bad day and I say I'm really anxious and feel really rubbish and am having a bad time, she will say I feel like that too. Which makes me feel very belittled because I don't think she even slightly understands the torture of ocd and makes out like its nothing. Or she says things like how do you think I feel when your like this, and I think to myself why do you have to make everything about you....am I just a horrible daughter, I think since she tried to kill herself and since she pushed me away because of him I have distanced myself emotionally and I almost feel agitated when my mum tells me to be more affectionate. When I try to explain to her that a, b, c is probably why I am the way I am she just cries and says oh thanks you don't understand how much of a rubbish mum that makes me feel - so i can't even explain without seeming like im saying she's a bad parent. She's not, she has struggles like everyone and made a few silly choices unintentionally hurting me - but thats just how I am. She then goes around the house constantly looking for reassurance from me and its just so much pressure I feel like I have no choice in my own life now and I can't say anything because now she's disabled.
Sorry for the long thread, thank you to anyone who reads it. I'm just unsure of how I should deal with this.

Ps. I'm not trying to make it seem like I had a bad childhood because I didn't, I have loving parents and unfortunately had to deal with a few crappy issues.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Taking a break
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
5,928
Location
England
It sounds like a very stressful childhood and i am sure has caused you so much anxiety. Crippling anxiety that has prevented you from having a healthy and happy life that is fulfilling. Did you reach your full potential as an adult?

I understand you and your mum are close and both help each other, so you want to continue to be there for her and need her support also, she has made some bad choices with men and clearly has her own mental health problems.

However, this is your life. Please don't spend too much caring for her, she will always have the doctors, neighbours, someone will always help her. She will need much more support when elderly as they all do but right now is your time to create a good life for yourself before it is too late.

Your mum might feel better when she has to look after herself. It might make her feel stronger and be empowering when she realises she can look after herself. Sink or swim people call it don't they. Swimming makes me feel good, to not have to rely on anyway makes me feel strong and independent and we are all capable of it. She is just as capable as you are, we can and should be independent for our own mental health.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
881
Hey everyone,
I usually post about my ocd in these forums but today I'm looking more so for advice on how to cope with my mums depression.

So my mum is a very very clingy and needy person, more so now because she had to have her leg amputated a couple of years ago and is of course finding that hard to deal with. Now I have a good relationship with my mum but I feel like there have been several things in my life so far which have made me emotionally distance myself from her to stop myself getting hurt.

So my mum brought me up as a single parent until I was about 11 years old. Through out my life I have realised she has been emotionally dependent on me from when I was a child, and thus I am now unable to deal with her properly as an adult would.
When I was probably about 6 years old was the first time I really remember her having a breakdown in front of me, and me having to stick up for her against an ex. I remember her screaming and crying and swearing at him and I remember having to "protect" her in a way because I ended up telling him to leave myself. A few other minor occasions happened e.g. my mum getting so drunk I had to look after her, not regularly by any means, but I remember probably 4 or 5 times which panicked me under age 11. One of these times has always stayed with me because I remember she took me to London and got so hammered she could barely walk, I was about 8 crying cause I couldn't find her and when I managed to get to her when we got to the train station she dropped a football flag on the tracks and tried to get it, while I was crying begging her to stop because of the obvious and I ended up running up to a man and asking him to help her. Continuing on we got home and she told me she hated me for not letting her get it and loved football more than me. My mum is usually very loving and caring and was not a bad mum - just pointing out a few things out of years of good which I remember to be specifically gut reaching even now.

Fast forward to when she met my step dad, he was basically a controlling **** and ended up putting a rift in between me and my mum, he told my mum horrible things about me, he would shout in my face and me being use to being defensive would always shout back, same as if he was shouting at my mum and I would told to not get involved. He and my mum would smoke weed in the kitchen all evening from about 5pm and not come out, the door would be shut, so I would have no choice but to sit on my own in my room and this was fine for my mum at the time (now a 23 year old, if I go in my room I get 21 questions and you never stay in here with me). I was pretty much pushed aside and from my mum relying on me, to me being able to do whatever I wanted, pretty much literally. Aged 13 - 16 I was out all hours, doing stupid stuff and getting hammered, fighting, being questioned by police, my mum was oblivious to it all. My mum no longer needed me in the same way to the same level, and I felt like I was now free to do what I wanted to do. As before this I felt responsible for my mum, I dont know why exactly because my mum was a really good mum, always did everything for me, but I think I was too exposed to everything, things you would usually hide from a child e.g. the screaming break up.

A few years in my step dad calls me while I'm out at the fair with my friends and tells me to come home my mums tried to kill herself. So of course I run home to find my mum unresponsive laying on the floor, I was distraught, I was shaking her telling her to get up, crying, calling her a stupid *****, asking why she would do this. I told my step dad to call an ambulance but he said she would be fine. She was breathing and apparently hadn't taken too many pills, but she was also drinking. She ended up being fine and we never spoke about it again really. I'm still not sure if that was her actual intentions. Moving forward again, throughout the times my mum was drunk with my step dad she was always horrible to me and we argued like hell - another reason why I cant stand to be around her drunk now but she says that wouldn't happen because she only was like that then because of him.

Anywho after a few shit years, I became seriously mentally ill. My mum tried to help, im aware ocd is hard to understand and she did try. But she sided with my step dad, who thought i was putting it on to suit myself, and left me home for 2 weeks alone aged 16 while I was quite possibly at my worst point in my breakdown. I wouldn't eat, drink, or leave the house, I went down from 9 stone to starving myself and being 7 stone between age 16 - 18. So by this point I felt like I had had to deal with a lot by myself and as I got older I was very independent and could do whatever I wanted, while my step dad was around that is.

That was until my step dad left and my mum then became reliant on me all of a sudden, she didn't want to be alone, she didn't want me to go out, she didn't want me to do whatever I wanted anymore. Going forward a few years to now, she is now disabled and actually does need help and emotional support and whenever she gets upset and crys its like I have some sort of emotional stunt, my heart hurts, my head shuts down and I feel numb. I cant cope with it, I cant deal with her and I dont know why exactly. I tell myself I'm an adult and should be able to be there for her, but its like I get this feeling of fear and anger because I feel like she's my mum. She's the parent and its often been the other way round in the emotional sense. But now there is a legitimate reason and I just can't cope with it. Not to mention I'm still severely mentally ill and can't even cope with my own issues. I dont know what to do, I feel like a horrible person because my mum says to me when she gets upset that most other people wouldn't just walk away but I have to. Especially after I've done my best to talk to her and she carries on. This time its because I mentioned moving out with my boyfriend in a few YEARS and she's been crying for 3 days saying she's panicking and scared to be by herself. And then it makes me feel bad because I think I should be able to have my own life and freedom and I feel like if my step dad was still around she wouldn't particularly care if I left. But then on the other hand i think what kind of person abandons their disabled mum. She then always always, says she feels exactly the same as me. If I'm having a bad day and I say I'm really anxious and feel really rubbish and am having a bad time, she will say I feel like that too. Which makes me feel very belittled because I don't think she even slightly understands the torture of ocd and makes out like its nothing. Or she says things like how do you think I feel when your like this, and I think to myself why do you have to make everything about you....am I just a horrible daughter, I think since she tried to kill herself and since she pushed me away because of him I have distanced myself emotionally and I almost feel agitated when my mum tells me to be more affectionate. When I try to explain to her that a, b, c is probably why I am the way I am she just cries and says oh thanks you don't understand how much of a rubbish mum that makes me feel - so i can't even explain without seeming like im saying she's a bad parent. She's not, she has struggles like everyone and made a few silly choices unintentionally hurting me - but thats just how I am. She then goes around the house constantly looking for reassurance from me and its just so much pressure I feel like I have no choice in my own life now and I can't say anything because now she's disabled.
Sorry for the long thread, thank you to anyone who reads it. I'm just unsure of how I should deal with this.

Ps. I'm not trying to make it seem like I had a bad childhood because I didn't, I have loving parents and unfortunately had to deal with a few crappy issues.
i d try to be as supportive as you can.
 
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