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Dealing with lack of intimacy

C

ClayTheScribe

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Jun 24, 2009
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6
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Thornton, CO, U.S.
it reminded me of what I lack: intimacy. I'm bi, but I've never had sex with a man or woman and I'm 24. It's a point of personal embarrassment, although I've kind of got over it over the years. It's mostly due to the fact that part of my depression is anxiety, social anxiety and not taking as many risks. On top of that, I'm 70 pounds overweight and I do not really consider myself physically attractive. And despite what people try to tell me, I still believe physical good looks play the major component in whether people my age are attracted to someone or not. So because of that and what the depression does to me, I just don't have much confidence to approach a guy or girl I like for fear of likely rejection and know they're not going to be attracted to someone with poor confidence as people are attracted to confidence. And more than intimacy I want someone with whom to share my love and affection, but no one since my first and only girlfriend at 16 has let me get that close.

My therapist encourages me to distract myself when those thoughts come up, but it only seems to bury it temporarily only to come back stronger later on. It just makes me so depressed and I don't know how to deal with these feelings, not to mention the pressing sexual frustration (which of course I can handle on my own, but only presents a temporary fix). It makes it worse when I hear of other people my age having sex and being intimate with their partners. Even when I was exercising regularly, I still didn't find myself much more attractive or have more confidence. Partly this may be my erroneous perception of what's attractive from being barraged by the media, and I know too as a result of that I have high standards as far as looks go. I've tried dating sites like Match.com and OKCupid but I don't really get anywhere with anyone or manage to say something that turns them away. I just want to be a new person with confidence and a new body, and not feel embarrassed about being a 24-year-old virgin with scars from cutting on his legs. I just want a relationship with intimacy and that feels so far away, which makes me more depressed, and keeps my confidence low. I'm just so tired of feeling sorry for myself for something that's been mostly in my control for so long.

I don't suppose there's anything anyone could say to make me feel better about this, I just wanted to share. Back to distracting myself with sleep, internship, school and work. Let's hope it can work enough until I can move somewhere else and start a new job and start anew.

Thanks,
Clayton

:confused:
 
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G

GrizzlyBear

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I've known quite a few guys who were virgins at your age. I don't think that is unusual. And the truth (in my opinion) is that inner beauty has much more power to attract a partner than outer beauty. A pretty face/body is no use without a nice soul to make it shine.

Being over-weight you can do something about - if you want.....but even if you don't (or can't).....plenty of people are unaffected by weight in terms of finding other people attractive.

You will become even more attractive to others as your confidence grows, as you say, so maybe you can focus on confidence building?

Wishing you the best. :flowers:
 
C

ClayTheScribe

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2009
Messages
6
Location
Thornton, CO, U.S.
I've known quite a few guys who were virgins at your age. I don't think that is unusual. And the truth (in my opinion) is that inner beauty has much more power to attract a partner than outer beauty. A pretty face/body is no use without a nice soul to make it shine.

Being over-weight you can do something about - if you want.....but even if you don't (or can't).....plenty of people are unaffected by weight in terms of finding other people attractive.

You will become even more attractive to others as your confidence grows, as you say, so maybe you can focus on confidence building?

Wishing you the best. :flowers:
But how do I build confidence, I'm kind of lost there. It's been an uphill battle trying to find myself and be confident. It's just so frustrating.

And that inner beauty stuff sounds nice but it's not how it works in the real world. People my age are more attracted to outer beauty, and that doesn't include fat people. I have a good personality, but that's not winning me any dates.
 
G

GrizzlyBear

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The real world is full of different people with different tastes...that is just the way it is (in my opinion). When I started online dating I only contacted people who looked to be of a similar standard to myself (which I imagined, at the time, to be 'average'). I found that I misjudged the pictures of the person I was interested in. Turned out he was really lovely looking and I panicked thinking "he'll never be interested in me". But I had no right to assume what he was attracted to. Anyhoo....turned out he thought I was irresistable BEFORE he even saw my picture...and even more so afterwards. (We were together for 3 years)

Now I don't limit myself....I know I could date more very attractive men (even though I am only 'average' looking myself - by my own standards)....and I know I would date an overweight man (as I have done in the past).

So....yes...maybe lots of people do think a lot about looks (I admit I am a little like that myself)....but some people really do not care.

I know someone who would be considered by society (whatever!) to be quite unattractive....very overweight..but jeez....she has more dates than anyone I know. And sometimes with 'very good looking' men (according to whom? Well...magazines? Whatever....)

In terms of confidence building...well, I always recommend therapy because my own experiences of it during the last 7 months have been very good. I'm up and down - but more up than down.

Hope my post didn't offend you....I was just trying to share my own relief at discovering that not all people view attractiveness the same way. Some people get really turned on by multiple piercings and tattoos while another will be turned off.

Humankind would spin to a stop if we all liked the same things.

P.s. When I was your age I was married to a man generally regarded as ugly. His personality won me over where his looks alone would have failed.
 
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ms_P

ms_P

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Hi Clayton,
If you're tired of feeling sorry for yourself, then stop.
Have a good reckoning with yourself - in the mirror if need be - and get on with it!
We all have good and bad qualities. How about concentrating on and building up the good ones?
Try getting a gym pass and following a nutricious diet with attention to proportions and calories. Do it for yourself, and the rest will follow.
Out of personal curiosity...how do you know you're bi if you're a virgin?
I'm attracted to both sexes at different times for different reasons, but am heterosexual. Do you see what I mean? Are you putting too much pressure on yourself?
Anyway, I hope you get motivated to do it all for yourself, first & foremost.
:flowers:
 
scottsblue

scottsblue

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i dont think anyone hew goas out looking for just intamcy gets what they want, you should reaally just try to make friends with people and see what happens.
 
C

ClayTheScribe

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Joined
Jun 24, 2009
Messages
6
Location
Thornton, CO, U.S.
Hi Clayton,
If you're tired of feeling sorry for yourself, then stop.
Have a good reckoning with yourself - in the mirror if need be - and get on with it!
We all have good and bad qualities. How about concentrating on and building up the good ones?
Try getting a gym pass and following a nutricious diet with attention to proportions and calories. Do it for yourself, and the rest will follow.
I do exercise, but have been lagging in the past few weeks. It's just so hard to lose weight with the medications I'm on, but I'll keep trying.

Out of personal curiosity...how do you know you're bi if you're a virgin?
No offense, but I think that's a rather silly question. Did you have to have sex with someone to know you were straight? I doubt it. I've had sexual feelings toward males and females since I was at least 8 and they haven't gone away. I think I'm beyond that bi-curious phase. It had always been my goal to have sex with a woman first, but lately it hasn't mattered now that I've come out of the closet this year to most of my family and friends.

I'm attracted to both sexes at different times for different reasons, but am heterosexual. Do you see what I mean?
According to Dr. Kinsey's studies, sexuality is fluid meaning most people aren't strictly heterosexual or strictly homosexual but somewhere in the middle. I am sexually attracted to both men and women, and while it changes from day to day who I'm more attracted to, I am always attracted to both. Therefore I am bisexual. I don't really have doubts about my sexuality anymore and I am proud of it. Plus, it sounds like you're a female and females tend to be more fluid in their sexuality, or at least men aren't as open about theirs.

Are you putting too much pressure on yourself?
In regards to sex or my sexuality? My sexuality, no, that's just who I am, or maybe I didn't understand your question. With sex, it's not so much I'm putting too much pressure on myself, although I probably am, it's just dealing with the sexual frustration and impatience that's difficult.

Anyway, I hope you get motivated to do it all for yourself, first & foremost.
:flowers:
Thanks, I will do my best. It's just getting over the hump of lack of confidence.
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

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Jan 26, 2008
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409
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North Lincolnshire
Weight

I'm 5'9" and a size 8/10. I am 48 and fell in love with a man I can barely get my long arms around his middle.

He is the most gorgeous and beautiful man I have ever met.

I've lived with a 6'4" black belt karate six packer, a body builder, and an ex RAF who runs five miles a day before he goes to work. Big tall fit guys.

But I'm marrying the big fella with the paunch, long grey hair and diabetes.

2/3 of the others wanted to marry me and I said no.

I hope this helps in some way.

Big hug!

cloudberry

:grouphug:



it reminded me of what I lack: intimacy. I'm bi, but I've never had sex with a man or woman and I'm 24. It's a point of personal embarrassment, although I've kind of got over it over the years. It's mostly due to the fact that part of my depression is anxiety, social anxiety and not taking as many risks. On top of that, I'm 70 pounds overweight and I do not really consider myself physically attractive. And despite what people try to tell me, I still believe physical good looks play the major component in whether people my age are attracted to someone or not. So because of that and what the depression does to me, I just don't have much confidence to approach a guy or girl I like for fear of likely rejection and know they're not going to be attracted to someone with poor confidence as people are attracted to confidence. And more than intimacy I want someone with whom to share my love and affection, but no one since my first and only girlfriend at 16 has let me get that close.

My therapist encourages me to distract myself when those thoughts come up, but it only seems to bury it temporarily only to come back stronger later on. It just makes me so depressed and I don't know how to deal with these feelings, not to mention the pressing sexual frustration (which of course I can handle on my own, but only presents a temporary fix). It makes it worse when I hear of other people my age having sex and being intimate with their partners. Even when I was exercising regularly, I still didn't find myself much more attractive or have more confidence. Partly this may be my erroneous perception of what's attractive from being barraged by the media, and I know too as a result of that I have high standards as far as looks go. I've tried dating sites like Match.com and OKCupid but I don't really get anywhere with anyone or manage to say something that turns them away. I just want to be a new person with confidence and a new body, and not feel embarrassed about being a 24-year-old virgin with scars from cutting on his legs. I just want a relationship with intimacy and that feels so far away, which makes me more depressed, and keeps my confidence low. I'm just so tired of feeling sorry for myself for something that's been mostly in my control for so long.

I don't suppose there's anything anyone could say to make me feel better about this, I just wanted to share. Back to distracting myself with sleep, internship, school and work. Let's hope it can work enough until I can move somewhere else and start a new job and start anew.

Thanks,
Clayton

:confused:
 
ms_P

ms_P

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Messages
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I do exercise, but have been lagging in the past few weeks. It's just so hard to lose weight with the medications I'm on, but I'll keep trying.



No offense, but I think that's a rather silly question. Did you have to have sex with someone to know you were straight? I doubt it. I've had sexual feelings toward males and females since I was at least 8 and they haven't gone away. I think I'm beyond that bi-curious phase. It had always been my goal to have sex with a woman first, but lately it hasn't mattered now that I've come out of the closet this year to most of my family and friends.



According to Dr. Kinsey's studies, sexuality is fluid meaning most people aren't strictly heterosexual or strictly homosexual but somewhere in the middle. I am sexually attracted to both men and women, and while it changes from day to day who I'm more attracted to, I am always attracted to both. Therefore I am bisexual. I don't really have doubts about my sexuality anymore and I am proud of it. Plus, it sounds like you're a female and females tend to be more fluid in their sexuality, or at least men aren't as open about theirs.



In regards to sex or my sexuality? My sexuality, no, that's just who I am, or maybe I didn't understand your question. With sex, it's not so much I'm putting too much pressure on myself, although I probably am, it's just dealing with the sexual frustration and impatience that's difficult.



Thanks, I will do my best. It's just getting over the hump of lack of confidence.
You do seem to have many of the answers to your own questions, Clayton. That's a good thing. :flowers:
A pot never boils if watched...
Maybe you would be best served to concentrate on other things in your life right now?
How about 'simply' getting into shape as it's own reward? I'm a fanatical bicycle rider (living in holland, that's not hard to do).
You'd be surprised how much physical activity does for the mind, as well as the body and hormones.
I wasn't trying to pigeonhole you in your sexuality. The choice is always yours.
Good luck! :)
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

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409
Location
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Radical idea

Make a point of trying sex with a man and also a woman in the next six months and see what you prefer?

Or wait to fall in love. That will also dictate your orientation I would have thought.

Big hug,

cloudberry

Heterosexual, but have played with girls. ;)
 
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