• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Dealing with guilt and shame

L

LifelessBoat

Member
Joined
May 30, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Nashville, TN
I am a 50 year old male and brand new to the forum. I'm not yet diagnosed with BPD but do exhibit most of the traits. I am currently starting counseling with a therapist. My life has been filled with unstable relationships. A romantic relationship recently came to an end due to one of my "episodes" that resulted in a verbal outburst and some erratic behavior.

I am embarrassed for what I did and for how I acted. I feel insurmountable guilt and shame for hurting her. She let me into her life and opened up to me. She loved me. I sabotaged that.

It's taken me all these years to finally realized I've been the toxic one in many of my relationships. I've started the process towards seeking help and recovery. I'm committed to getting better.

Right now, the feelings of shame and guilt are overwhelming. Has anyone else experienced this and any advice on how to get through it?
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
925
you should commend yourself for tackling this issue you have....at least youre doing something about it, as regards the hurtt you caused, you can apologise for that, explain you didnt mean to hurt her
 
L

LifelessBoat

Member
Joined
May 30, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Nashville, TN
you should commend yourself for tackling this issue you have....at least youre doing something about it, as regards the hurtt you caused, you can apologise for that, explain you didnt mean to hurt her
karl7, thanks! I am glad I am doing something about it. My brain and thought patterns are stuck reliving what I did. I'm unable to apologize to her as she's cut off all contact and blocked me on social media and txt. I have written a letter to her but not sure I'm going to mail it or not.

I get stuck thinking about the future that we could have had and the things we had planned to do. I know none of that was a guarantee anyway but right now that future no longer exists solely because of my actions and I hurt someone very special. Not to mention I'm sure thinks I'm crazy and that's what she's telling to her friends and family that she introduced me to.

I'm not sure how I'll get out of this hole.
 
leekeen17382

leekeen17382

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2020
Messages
7
Location
England
I am a 50 year old male and brand new to the forum. I'm not yet diagnosed with BPD but do exhibit most of the traits. I am currently starting counseling with a therapist. My life has been filled with unstable relationships. A romantic relationship recently came to an end due to one of my "episodes" that resulted in a verbal outburst and some erratic behavior.

I am embarrassed for what I did and for how I acted. I feel insurmountable guilt and shame for hurting her. She let me into her life and opened up to me. She loved me. I sabotaged that.

It's taken me all these years to finally realized I've been the toxic one in many of my relationships. I've started the process towards seeking help and recovery. I'm committed to getting better.

Right now, the feelings of shame and guilt are overwhelming. Has anyone else experienced this and any advice on how to get through it?
When i was first diagnosed, as well as those feelings of guilt and shame, i also acknowledged the fact (and was assured by a MH nurse) that i had not acted in those ways due to me being a bad person, it was due to a mental illness that had not been recognised by me or anyone around me for a long time, and therefore appropriate support or treatment was never provided.
Knowing that you can receive help and treatment with managing your emotions and erratic behaviours, and that you did not deliberately choose to act in that way came as some comfort to me, perhaps to you also.

As the other replier said, you can only sincerely apologise for the hurt you have or may have caused, and strive to be better in the future.
 
L

LifelessBoat

Member
Joined
May 30, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Nashville, TN
When i was first diagnosed, as well as those feelings of guilt and shame, i also acknowledged the fact (and was assured by a MH nurse) that i had not acted in those ways due to me being a bad person, it was due to a mental illness that had not been recognised by me or anyone around me for a long time, and therefore appropriate support or treatment was never provided.
Knowing that you can receive help and treatment with managing your emotions and erratic behaviours, and that you did not deliberately choose to act in that way came as some comfort to me, perhaps to you also.

As the other replier said, you can only sincerely apologise for the hurt you have or may have caused, and strive to be better in the future.
Leeken17382,

I wish apologizing was an option. She's ceased all contact. We had such a bright future together and I destroyed all possibilities of that now.

I'm hoping time truly heals all wounds. Thanks for the reply and support!
 
T

TH21

Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Charleston, SC
I am a 50 year old male and brand new to the forum. I'm not yet diagnosed with BPD but do exhibit most of the traits. I am currently starting counseling with a therapist. My life has been filled with unstable relationships. A romantic relationship recently came to an end due to one of my "episodes" that resulted in a verbal outburst and some erratic behavior.

I am embarrassed for what I did and for how I acted. I feel insurmountable guilt and shame for hurting her. She let me into her life and opened up to me. She loved me. I sabotaged that.

It's taken me all these years to finally realized I've been the toxic one in many of my relationships. I've started the process towards seeking help and recovery. I'm committed to getting better.

Right now, the feelings of shame and guilt are overwhelming. Has anyone else experienced this and any advice on how to get through it?
I completely understand where you're coming from and feel your pain. I'm 29 and was just recently diagnosed with BPD and in conjunction ruined a similar sounding relationship. As you stated, I wish I could just apologize too, but like your situation she has shut down all contact between us. I've explained to her the diagnosis and what I'm doing to address the issue (self help book - 'I love you, dont leave me', medication - 'lamictal', but she is also dealing with some mental health issues and her primary focus is on herself. Perhaps, time will heal, it always does, or helps at least. I've done this twice now in my life, once at 18/19 and now at 28/29, I fear that my chance at love in life has come and gone. I understand I have a long road to recovery, but my BPD is definitely in its prime years I feel and can only hope things get better with time.
 
L

LifelessBoat

Member
Joined
May 30, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Nashville, TN
If it's any consolation, I've had as many as 9 "significant" relationships that have all failed including a 9 year marriage and another engagement. Your chance at love is definitely not over. Consider yourself lucky that you've recognized this at a young age. You have lots of time to grow and find love again. As hard as this has been for me, I still feel somewhat grateful that at least I'm doing something about it and still have a chance too!
 

Similar threads

Top