Dead inside... did anyone ever understand why over the course of their years?

D

dewey

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#1
Can you ever truly understand why you have felt dead inside for decades and can't get pleasure out of life?
Did anyone ever work out where it came from? For me probably early adolescence and it has never gone away.
Once you're dead internally, and can't feel joy or trust others or connect to them, can you ever get out? Is there a way out of the feeling?
Therapy plus medications don't address the feeling, I find.
 
Skynet

Skynet

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#2
There's some controversy over whether depression is, in fact, caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. However, it's likely that you have a high genetic predisposition to being depressed, which when combined with life stresses, tend to result in depression. Depression also causes something called a "negative affective bias" where one tends to focus on the negatives in life. Antidepressants do help although some of them (SSRIs) take a long time to do so. How long have you been in therapy and what meds are you on, if you don't mind me asking?

Here is an interesting video about depression and "negative affective bias":
.
 
D

dewey

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#3
There's some controversy over whether depression is, in fact, caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. However, it's likely that you have a high genetic predisposition to being depressed, which when combined with life stresses, tend to result in depression. Depression also causes something called a "negative affective bias" where one tends to focus on the negatives in life. Antidepressants do help although some of them (SSRIs) take a long time to do so. How long have you been in therapy and what meds are you on, if you don't mind me asking?

Here is an interesting video about depression and "negative affective bias":
.
Oh yeah I've been on anti depressants years and years, and changed different anti depressants and dosages, constantly reviewing it with a psych. The current one I've been on maybe 2 years now. But I'm reducing dosage slowly/ I'm trying to come off them cause I feel like I'm on a too high dosage which is causing me more harm than good.

Therapy recently started with a new therapist, which seems like it could be helpful. Other than that I've done various courses of therapy also in the past.

I 100% focus on the negatives in life as you say, have always been extremely highly self critical, and I just don't feel pleasure at all. It is a massive problem / turn off in conversation with others who I have noticed are up beat, and can put a positive spin on something extremely negative I say. But my mind just goes straight to the negative thing. It's like I'm wired that way. I can't remember any different and if I was to change I would feel like it's fake. That's why I don't buy all this mindfulness stuff, I try it, but I can never take it serious. It just doesn't work for me. Even the apps. My mind is completely switched off from it.

I know my mood would considerably improve if I could commit to daily intensive exercise but I can barely bring myself to do it. At all. I don't have the motivation to do it alone. I'm too afraid to go and do exercise in a group. I just don't see the point. I can't bring myself to think that things are going to improve when I've felt dead for so long.

The worst is when I actually used to exercise, I felt a little better, but now I just stopped seeing the point. at all
 
Skynet

Skynet

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#4
Oh yeah I've been on anti depressants years and years, and changed different anti depressants and dosages, constantly reviewing it with a psych. The current one I've been on maybe 2 years now. But I'm reducing dosage slowly/ I'm trying to come off them cause I feel like I'm on a too high dosage which is causing me more harm than good.

Therapy recently started with a new therapist, which seems like it could be helpful. Other than that I've done various courses of therapy also in the past.

I 100% focus on the negatives in life as you say, have always been extremely highly self critical, and I just don't feel pleasure at all. It is a massive problem / turn off in conversation with others who I have noticed are up beat, and can put a positive spin on something extremely negative I say. But my mind just goes straight to the negative thing. It's like I'm wired that way. I can't remember any different and if I was to change I would feel like it's fake. That's why I don't buy all this mindfulness stuff, I try it, but I can never take it serious. It just doesn't work for me. Even the apps. My mind is completely switched off from it.

I know my mood would considerably improve if I could commit to daily intensive exercise but I can barely bring myself to do it. At all. I don't have the motivation to do it alone. I'm too afraid to go and do exercise in a group. I just don't see the point. I can't bring myself to think that things are going to improve when I've felt dead for so long.

The worst is when I actually used to exercise, I felt a little better, but now I just stopped seeing the point. at all
You certainly sound depressed and I've been in that place for over a decade. The good news is that new antidepressants are being approved on a regular basis; there's one called ketamine that apparently relieves depression in just a few hours. What actually helped me were: therapy, retiring from work (thus reducing the stress in my life), medication (the right ones at the right dosage), exercise, improving my relationship with my family and meditation. Please note that I didn't start doing all these at once; I tackled them one at a time in the given order. I am now content with life having realigned my life goals with my illness so that I never feel overwhelmed.
 
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dewey

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#5
You certainly sound depressed and I've been in that place for over a decade. The good news is that new antidepressants are being approved on a regular basis; there's one called ketamine that apparently relieves depression in just a few hours. What actually helped me were: therapy, retiring from work (thus reducing the stress in my life), medication (the right ones at the right dosage), exercise, improving my relationship with my family and meditation. Please note that I didn't start doing all these at once; I tackled them one at a time in the given order. I am now content with life having realigned my life goals with my illness so that I never feel overwhelmed.
Fair enough. Yeah it's unrealistic to expect all the changes to be made at once.
It just feels like I've been trying for a long time. It gets tiring.
 
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dewey

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#6
I just also want to be clear when I make these posts asking these questions I am genuinely interested in people's perspectives, if something changed for them, if the long feeling of decades of deadness within went away? I genuinely want people to share their experience on this
 
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dewey

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#7
Anyone else with depression started to feel real pleasure again/had the deadness go away?
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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#8
For me essentially bad events in childhood and Aspergers it’s definitely a sad thing when you are here in body,mind,soul but not present going into a psychiatric hospital saved me I am currently in one only been here 7 days but I am making fast progress
 
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JCPraha

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#9
I have been depressed for a number of years, and it is quite difficult for me to be upbeat and feel pleasure as well. I feel the deadness most of the time, and worse than that sadness and dread quite often. I don't have any easy answers for it. I wish I did, but I can't find a solution for myself.
 
Flameheart

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#10
its probably different for everyone, but I remember even before trauma that I was never satisfied with life and I think a lot of it comes down to the environment I was bought up in and both my parents always looking on the negative side of things, so I was conditioned to think that way too, it's only very recent I've been trying to not think so negatively, but it can be very difficult when it's all you know

this probably isn't helpful for you as I've barely lived for 2 decades, I still feel rather empty a lot of the time, but not as intensely, I know I'm still not as happy as I could be

I've also never been on medication for mental health related stuff
 
Flameheart

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#11
I've been looking into spirituality stuff and attempting to live in the moment or at least week by week
 
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Girl interupted

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#12
Dewey, you need to get out of that house. That will help you more than anything else.

Please folks don’t use ketamine. It’s a dangerous and addictive narcotic.

I was recently told I no longer have depression. After 50 years of severe depression. The emptiness. The lack of energy. And I recognized they were right. I was no longer depressed. But it only came after years of hard work in therapy.

When we are in pain we want to fix it as quickly as possible. It’s human nature. But my release from depression was gradual. So much so that I had to have someone else point out that I was no longer suffering from it.

Meditation works for me, but it may not for you. And that’s ok.

Focus on your therapy sessions, dig in and get it all out. You can do it. Xo
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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#13
I've tried meditation with that headspace app but it wasn't for me
 
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Girl interupted

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#14
Have you tried yoga flameheart? I’ve heard it works similarly, but have not tried it myself.
 
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Girl interupted

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#16
Apparently getting in a room with a bunch of people doing downward dog has some healing meditative elements to it. I have friends who swear by it, but can’t seem to drag my fat butt to do it, lol. I have visions of me trying to do one of the stretches and knocking over an entire front row lol.
 
write

write

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#18
Ime is trauma. Impact of. Once you've 'seen through' life I don't think can ever unsee the bad. Sorry. But can relate to OP. Good that some can find way through x
 
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JasonR28

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#19
In my experience depression is very much a circumstances and situational thing.

If something bad happens to anyone of course they will feel low. That's entirely normal. It becomes a problem though when due to a lack or support or resources to get though it, that low feeling isn't tackled and becomes long term.

It's a bit like if someone one day got beaten up badly and put in hospital completely unprovoked, they will likely feel very anxious about going outside again. If they have the support and help around them to tackle it, they can potentially recover quickly. If they don't then there's a massive possibility of that issue becoming chronic and harder to tackle.

It's very similar to depression where the longer it goes on for, the harder it is to recover.


I believe chronic depression can result in chemical changes which makes it harder. Plus in that time, the longer someone suffers for without the right help and resources the more they will turn to things that can help them feel better short term such as sleeping all day, drinking, gambling and even drugs, but long term can cause even more damage.

That's the hard part though isn't it?

Nobody wants to be unwell by feeling depressed, but when someone doesn't have the right help or support and are powerless to it, it really opens the doorway to short term relief
 
midnightphoenix

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#20
In my experience depression is very much a circumstances and situational thing.

If something bad happens to anyone of course they will feel low. That's entirely normal. It becomes a problem though when due to a lack or support or resources to get though it, that low feeling isn't tackled and becomes long term.

It's a bit like if someone one day got beaten up badly and put in hospital completely unprovoked, they will likely feel very anxious about going outside again. If they have the support and help around them to tackle it, they can potentially recover quickly. If they don't then there's a massive possibility of that issue becoming chronic and harder to tackle.

It's very similar to depression where the longer it goes on for, the harder it is to recover.


I believe chronic depression can result in chemical changes which makes it harder. Plus in that time, the longer someone suffers for without the right help and resources the more they will turn to things that can help them feel better short term such as sleeping all day, drinking, gambling and even drugs, but long term can cause even more damage.

That's the hard part though isn't it?

Nobody wants to be unwell by feeling depressed, but when someone doesn't have the right help or support and are powerless to it, it really opens the doorway to short term relief
Depression isnt always situational, it can be chemicals as well.

In my case it was situational.

Big hugs to @dewey :grouphug:
 

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