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N

NorthernBC

Member
Joined
Jun 25, 2020
Messages
11
was diagnosed 2.5 years ago. Saw a physiatrist every 3months until covid 19 ended in person visits . Attending 1 yr personal counseling as I live in rural Northern Britsh Columbia. I was referred to mental health local support group at the hospital, but decided not to attend as I live in a small town and work with vulnerable clients professionally. This weekend I drove 4hr to a hotel my husband was at for work. I was convinced he was having an affair. I think about it now and ... think omg. WTF! He is not having an affair, my rage and anger took over my whole body. I have always looked for validation from others, I am definitely black or white in my thinking, I suffer from extreme emotions of abandonment issues. I will end a relationship or friendship at times and think ong what did I just do?? I am intelligent, have a professional career and yet I think I am nothing one minute and the next I think our office would operate without me. I just turned 50 with 2 adult children. I have been married 4times. I have no parents my mom was killed in a drinking driving accident my dad left me at 6...back in my life a few times . Once my 2 children born our relationship ship ended due to his alcoholism. I asked him to call when he was sober...that was over 25years ago. I still to this day wonder why I was not good enough...for my Dad to call me? Or has he not had a sober day in the past 25yrs... I have been told that I am resilient and strong willed stubborn the list is long. I am passionate, loving and fun. I am truly a kind, loving generous person. Then... it happens the rage over the smallest thing happens. I rant and rage hurting only the ones I love the most. Hurting my husband the most... after I am so sorry and wish I could take it back. I have had and extremely bad week ...nightly arguing with my husband o phone. He has been away 10 days now working to save jobs for 250 people. I have been here sending text , blocking him then telling him I love him etc. I have lost my mind. During the past 3 days I have returned to work at our office as I was working from home. All the pressures and the uncertainty if my husband will get suspended as his boss is wondering omg what is wrong with your wife?? Our 2 yr anniversary on july 01. Well today something I have never experienced. My whole body in numb. Like a faint pins and needles. I feel like my inside is hollow. I have never felt like this before. I desperately want to gain coping skills and stratagems for a better life.


Long read my apologies it was not meant to so long🤷‍♀️
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
765
Location
England
You sound so overwhelmed. Your life has been so hard and you have tried your best to be the best you can be despite everything. All you can do is keep learning, keep trying.

It sounds like the most helpful thing for you right now would be to take a moment before you act on a thought.

Time will not run away. There is no rush.

People need peace too, your husband needs some peace, to know you are ok and then he can do his work and get back to you. He must love you very much but you need to make sure he gets some peace in his mind otherwise he might have a breakdown also.
 
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