Dating with BPD

[Hanner5]

I recently was diagnosed with BPD and had suspicions for a while now that I was the reason for past relationships not working. I thought it was having epilepsy as a teenager and growing up in a hoarder house were the causes of my behavior to others. Near the end of college, was when I started even talking to guys in a romantic way and have always had less than a handful of friends at a time.

A lot of my dating experiences have started to become a pattern of falling for the guy right away and they seem to feel the same in the beginning. Most were red flags and extroverts that were great winning over any woman. Then I obsess after a few weeks about what we are and feel like they have to text constantly to feel reassured. I fantasize about our futures together, which puts too much pressure on the guy that I am idealizing. Eventually, they do something to minorly make me mad or I just want more reassurance and it kicks them off a pedestal I've made in my mind that they can't be the "one" anymore . The feeling is only temporary, but in that short of time period I make rash decisions to unfriend/block them or tell them I can't see them anymore or just pick fights in general.

I've only had one significant other stay through this pattern for a year, but they ended up trying to make our relationship poly without my consent. They didn't physically cheat on me and I agreed to try things with another person in the beginning then didn't want anything to do with the other woman after that because I was confused by the dynamic and did not want to share my partner. Because I was afraid to loose my significant other, I stayed with him even if he was emotionally cheating on me with other women. I started to become an abusive partner because I felt not in control of the situation and constantly paranoid of being cheated on...even if he did by talking to other women all the time then saying they were for us both. He eventually wanted us to still live together as friends while we both work on ourselves. This caused multiple meltdowns and led to me finally finding my own place.


Since then, I have been on dating sites constantly just to have guys to continuously talk to and not feel alone. I was with my partner before that almost 24/7 and missed having a person to go to. Half of the guys I have been on dates with have been only into something casual and the other ones I showed my pattern to fast of fixating or sabotaging the almost relationship with the really kind guys.

I also have hobbies and am trying to rebuild relationships with family and friends that I ignored during my last long term relationship. Several therapists in a short period of time have also helped a little. So, I'm trying to have a life again and not fixate on guys once I do start talking to them again. I just don't know how to let a guy in without oversharing early on just to feel a connection or let my bad mood from whatever is happening in my day be pushed onto them. I don't really want to get to close to guys and have this pattern happen again, but to lonely not to stop online dating all together.

How have others broken similar habits? How do you even explain to potential partner that you have BPD without scaring them off?

 

[Tawny]

I'm sorry you have this to deal with.

I don't have BPD but i don't often choose suitable men. I think the last boyfriend of yours, who wanted to introduce other people into your relatiomship, he was a bad choice, or just not a person that was suited to you and what you need.

You know you need a patient man and also a trustworthy man. He is out there somewhere, and in the meantime rest and focus on yourself. I would stay away from dating sites and just heal yourself, get healthy, talk and try to overcome the worst parts of your condition if you can.

 

[bpd2020]

For me I was not able to have a healthy relationship until I had a lot of therapy. We will always choose unsuitable people that triggers us as they are familiar. It is when we are able to break that cycle we can have a healthy relationship. It took a lot of therapy for me to see everybody I dated was unsuitable.

 

[Nukelavee]

I think the main thing about having BPD, and dating, is that you need to learn how to control your emotions, before you bother dating. Read up on "split thinking", because I think that is your first, main issue.

 

[Wolf359]

I'm not seeing how the OP's situation intersects with BPD. As far as I've heard, the OP's dating situation is rather common among people without a personality disorder, BPD or otherwise... am I wrong?

Granted, my understanding of this is limited, but my impression was that having "a lot of" dating experiences and "falling for" someone are things that would be considered at the high-functioning end of the BPD spectrum (for example, many BPD sufferers may have a year or more gap between relationships, or even dates, and not ever falling in love would be common as well).

Am I missing something?

 

[bpd2020]

I'm not seeing how the OP's situation intersects with BPD. As far as I've heard, the OP's dating situation is rather common among people without a personality disorder, BPD or otherwise... am I wrong?

Granted, my understanding of this is limited, but my impression was that having "a lot of" dating experiences and "falling for" someone are things that would be considered at the high-functioning end of the BPD spectrum (for example, many BPD sufferers may have a year or more gap between relationships, or even dates, and not ever falling in love would be common as well).

Am I missing something?

I agree with you that many people display similar. With the bpd it is more about constantly seeking validation from dating, choosing unstable and unsuitable partners, being in a toxic relationship and never learning from it. You are right though, people without bpd can do this too.

 

[Am33]

Hoarding what is it really ? Its the feeling of never having enough which is a addiction which are very hard to overcome . Having been exposed to it as a child no fault of your own you have taken that addiction into your thought patterns as well . Just with relationships as you said 24/7 , constantly .Our minds work like a computer
when we put our focus , energy into something it becomes a dominate program in the mind and it will keep coming up just like those annoying search engines . The key is see it for what it is a addiction and stop feeding it and it will pull on you less and less. That's I do its helped me.

 

[Until]

i can fall for someone i like very quickly, I want them to like me as much as i like them and am always looking for signs that they do or don't, if i see something that makes me think they don't like me as much as i do them, i feel panic and constantly think of things i can or should do to keep them liking me, it plays on my mind a lot. I need reassurance not by asking him if he likes me but by his reaction to things i do for him.

If i see him looking interested in another girl that really bothers me and I get jealous, even if we are not properly a couple yet. I fantasise about us being together in the future and how good it will be. I don't tell him this or what I am thinking.

But he will know when something is bothering me about something he did that made me mad as it is obvious with my mood or how I am acting as I can't seem to control how i feel and sometimes I want to end it on what other people would consider a minor thing. it's like i can't even look at him and switch to not liking him at all. Then later I can switch back to liking him again but i can do something extreme for what he did. Like the person @Hanner5 said suddenly want to block him everywhere.

I can idealise him in the beginning, like there is nothing wrong with him and that he is perfect for me. But then there can be one thing he does that I consider really horrible or puts me off him, then it shows in my mood, he can see that I am moody and if he asks why I don't tell him because i think he should know when he has done something horrible.

It is hard to keep a long term relationship

 

[OCDguy]

I wonder if your expectations are set too high, and they cloud your judgement? I get the impression you put a lot into your relationships (maybe more than your other half expects or wishes for), and it's probably only natural you expect the same in return, but then we come back to expectations... I also wonder if your most important needs (the feeling of loved) are taken care of, and if they are, isn't that more important?

 

[Until]

i do think i put a lot into a relationship, I am always thinking of what makes the other person happy, I am giving, I do thoughtful things and i guess I expect the same in return. I sometimes think I expect someone else to be nice to me at all times and be as good to me as I am to him. I guess that is unrealistic and i often think i have high expectations but other times i think this is how people in a relationship should be with each other. I don't know, it's hard and maybe i am better on my own but then it gets lonely and boring.

 

[OCDguy]

Relationships are great for adding value to each others lives. We learn a lot about ourselves in the process Too much giving can be suffocating for some, and too higher a expectation put on your other half can be over-burdening, or difficult to maintain Healthy, constructive communication is always key

 

[reginarage]

@Hanner5 and @Until I can completely empathize with this pattern so well. It was like reading my own writings. Its always the same in the beginning. like... infatuation. quick passionate intense and REAL love. but by the time they do something that turns me off to them - and I close the door (typically over and over again) they eventually get tired of the rejection that they feel and then leave me (if I haven't already blocked them out of my life to prevent this feeling) and then I am devastated. I don't know how to break this pattern. I am very new to the group. I was just recently diagnosed and started DBT therapy right away but I have only been a few times. I am in my 30s and never had a long (over 3 months maybe) relationship. I desperately want to find and be in a normal, stable and loving relationship. My last ex (who I believe had BPD as well) learned and listened and dealt with my issues and I was 100% transparent about what might (and did) happen. he hung on for awhile but eventually doorslammed me before I could him (about 2 weeks ago) and I had to take a month away from work to give me time to pull myself back together. its hard losing someone that you honestly put all your heart and soul into (as these are our REAL feelings! I truly did love him - as toxic as he probably was for me) so I completely understand the feeling. I just found this forum today and already don't feel so alone in this. I needed this thread badly! thank you all for understanding

 

[OCDguy]

Could some of it be related to giving too much, which in turn raises expectations? Isn't communication/understanding and being loved for who you are more important?

 

[Until]

@Hanner5 and @Until I can completely empathize with this pattern so well. It was like reading my own writings. Its always the same in the beginning. like... infatuation. quick passionate intense and REAL love. but by the time they do something that turns me off to them - and I close the door (typically over and over again) they eventually get tired of the rejection that they feel and then leave me (if I haven't already blocked them out of my life to prevent this feeling) and then I am devastated. I don't know how to break this pattern. I am very new to the group. I was just recently diagnosed and started DBT therapy right away but I have only been a few times. I am in my 30s and never had a long (over 3 months maybe) relationship. I desperately want to find and be in a normal, stable and loving relationship. My last ex (who I believe had BPD as well) learned and listened and dealt with my issues and I was 100% transparent about what might (and did) happen. he hung on for awhile but eventually doorslammed me before I could him (about 2 weeks ago) and I had to take a month away from work to give me time to pull myself back together. its hard losing someone that you honestly put all your heart and soul into (as these are our REAL feelings! I truly did love him - as toxic as he probably was for me) so I completely understand the feeling. I just found this forum today and already don't feel so alone in this. I needed this thread badly! thank you all for understanding

I can relate to what you say. ( I have never been in a relationship though with someone else with BPD, I can't imagine how 2 people with BPD could work?!.) I have been with an ex who got tired of the swapping i did between being loving then rejecting him for something and I know i have abandonment issues which is a BPD thing which is why it really is devastating when they leave.

 

[Wolf359]

i think he should know when he has done something horrible.

Sounds like he's not housebroken. Do you want a dog, or a person?