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Dating while mentally ill ?

sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
1,465
Location
London
i have not dated in 10 years if you can call dating at 13/14 a thing but it was real to me how do you actively seek a partner via dates i feel like you give them a massive burden for me personally so i don't bother if i cant be not mentally ill i should not be allowed to date this is my messed up logic does anyone else feel this way ? or can shed some light
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,027
It is a very personal decision when people with mental illness feel ready to date.
It goes without saying it is not advisable to date at your lowest, in the midst of severe episodes, desperation etc, when you most need medical help.
I would say it is not good to date when the pain is too raw, too soon after a breakdown. But yes, when it feels right for the person... when they are on a journey to recovery, feel comfortable with the idea and ready to/supported in making themselves a little bit vulnerable.

You have to have some form of constancy or stability in your life if you are going to date as it is a situation where all humans make themselves vulnerable. (***see note below)
I agree with you I think it is important not to put the burden of mental health on others, so you have to:
a) be at a point where you are ready to take the responsibility for your own recovery yourself and as I tried to outline
b) also have some back up support and a therapist who you can turn to.


I think that it is a form of discrimination to say that those with mental health issues should not be allowed to date, period.
Yes, mental health at its worst can become destructive to relationships which is why I should say only do it when you know you feel you can truly take responsibility for your own recovery and mental health.
Ultimately, there will be a lot of people prejudiced against those with mental health problems but if you have good intuition you should be able to scope out the characters who you would eventually be able to open up to about your past experience.... and who will be open to it and like you for who you are.

ALSO: pace and timing. We may forget too easily as sensitive people who have often low impulse control: Do not trust too easily, without knowing the person or get carried away. You should allow getting to know someone to be a pleasurable experience and one that is not rushed. If it goes too quick at first, it will be disappointing later. Pace yourself.

*** the vulnerability aspect to dating is important. In a way dating can be a valuable learning experience if you take it slow because you are slowly exposing yourself, gradually little by little, and it should be done in a way that feels emotionally SAFE for you. But I think through making ourselves vulnerable we are reconnecting with living in some way and that's valuable for healing. We can learn from the advice of therapists, friends and books. And learn to see that rejection is part of life, it doesn't have to be a personal thing, it could just be there isn't a 'spark' etc. That's important. Learning to have boundaries is also important. Dating can teach a lot of painful lessons, but if done with the support of therapy/friends/family I think a "mentally ill person in recovery" can benefit from it.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Mar 9, 2012
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10,623
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
If you feel like you could cope with a relationship then i'd say go for it, meet new people and try to get a relationship :hug:
 
R

Romafox

New member
Joined
Jun 12, 2019
Messages
4
Location
New Zealand
Perhaps try dating without a relationship as a goal. Just enjoy going out and connecting with someone. Try micro dating where you meet up for coffee or a walk for half an hour. Just try to have fun. Baby steps :). You don't have to disclose your mental illness. If you don't feel comfortable or if you feel it would be 'unsafe' to open up to that person then don't feel pressure to continue to see them.
 
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