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Dating An Emotionally Unavailable Guy!

My_Second_Chance

My_Second_Chance

Active member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
37
Location
London, UK
Hi All

I've been my boyfriend for almost one year now. He has depression, anxiety, is quite socially awkward as well.

When we first started dating, it was lovely. He would phone, text, take me out on dates and compliment me. He was quite affectionate. We would have sex. It was all perfect.

Once the honeymoon period wore out, I noticed he became distant. I found myself initiating everything but he would respond. We became more like best friends then lovers.

He later admitted to me that he finds relationships difficult especially intimacy and commitment. But his willing to work on things and wants to take things slow.

His always been quite a cold person. Doesn't communicate his needs and makes excuses to prevent confrontation.

I've always noticed as well, when it comes to affection. He pushes me away when I go to hold his hand, or kiss him. He would often show anxiety. I just put it down to his fear with intimacy. To give it time he might come out of it.

I also learnt as he doesn't communicate well. I have learnt to observe his actions, body language and words to understand his communication. Even then, it's been hard.

One month ago, I told him I loved him. He accepted this well and thanked me. I told him his the only man I want to be with. When I went to innate sex, he pushed me away. I was beginning to feel upset. He finally opened up a bit. Stating if I was a fling, he would have sex with me. But as I am into him a lot, having sex together would be much meaningful and therefore he needs time to absorb this before we have sex. He seems set on us eventually having sex but to give it more time.

The following week, he went away on holiday the same week as valentines day. I sent him a text on Valentine's day with a cheesy text. He responded back to it. Then I said I missed him and he didn't reply.

Two days later, we talked on messenger. Again I told him I missed him and he replied he will see me next week. Again I was really upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. Why can't he be honest about us? He obviously didn't want to talk about it and told me he was on holiday.

When he got back which was two weeks ago. We got on really well. He came to see a play with me. Although I noticed he appeared really anxious around lots of people. Displaying behaviour that he was feeling socially awkward.

Yesterday during work (we are work colleagues as well dating). I displayed a lot of affection towards him. Offering my scarf for him to wear as we walked into the snow. Buying him an oyster card as his broke. Hugging him and rubbing his arm as he was shivering on the bus. But again, he was trying to move his arm away.

When we sat down together, I went to hold his hand and he moved his hand away. Then sat down anxious.

I started to feel upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. As this is becoming an long issue. He said, he doesn't know why he keeps pushing me away. He appeared quite uncomfortable with this conversation and trying to run away. But I was determined to get an answer today.

If I know the fears and the anxiety and the cause of why he feels this way. Then we have something to work on. Then I can avoid certain things. But all he kept saying is - I don't know why I'm like this. I don't mean to push you away. I don't know why I push you away. Claiming he doesn't mean to hurt me. He doesn't know why he does.

I know from one of his previous relationships - his GF went though the same thing. To the point, she decided to end the relationship and maintain being friends. Then she ended the friendship to the point where she cut contact with him.

His previous relationships has been short term or one night stands.

As far as I know - I'm the first girl who has been in love with him and shown deeper intimacy with him.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
40,577
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
welcome
now i am going to have a go at replying to this
but as it is quite long i may repeat myself
x

okay ,i think you need to be careful of your feelings ,he sounds like a really nice guy who is confused and has a lot of issues
if it were me in your position ,i would encourage him to take up some sort of counselling
i understand he can't help feeling the way he does about intimacy ,but if you want more from the relationship than he is able to give it could cause you to be hurt a lot x

it sounds like you really care for him ,want it to work and want to be with him?
well then if i was you i would fight for the relationship-but it might be hard on you

it would help you i think if you posted here regularly to update us on the situation and we will try and support you as best we can

sorry if this reply isn't very good ,i just didn't want your post to go unanswered ,it is very imprtant
love Lu x
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 6, 2016
Messages
4,159
Location
Ireland
Hiya

Lu is lovely and always sees the best on everyone but I feel a bit different :)

Honestly this guy sounds like he needs a LOT of psychological help before he can really know how he feels about himself... let alone you....

I believe that he has a lot of work he needs to cover from his childhood - and either he can do it with you or........you need to allow him the chance before he actually knows who he is himself..

Many people suffer from trauma and no matter what you do or how much you love them.....the timing is wrong....

Sounds like he has commitment issues yet is afraid of being alone...

He needs to find his real self before he can really love you.....

:hug:
 
S

stump

Active member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
33
Location
Southeast
Is he getting professional help to help him overcome these issues? Is he willing to do so for you?

I've been that emotionally unavailable guy and it wasn't love or affection that changed me, it was drugs and therapy.
 
M

MarkRzad

Member
Joined
Jan 15, 2018
Messages
13
I have been that emotionally unavailable guy during my deeper depressions. I isolate myself and want to be alone. The more my wife tries to console me...the more I push her away. Sex is also affected during these deeper depressions as well as the medications I am on, which further reduces the desire for sex.

So to say this guy has some things he needs to work through, he very well could be working through them but still may not be at the level you would like him to be emotionally. To have that connection.

Is he seeing a therapist and taking medication?

If not, therapy and meds can help...but still doesn't take depression away. Depression is not a fault or failing...it is a mental illness that you cannot see. If I had a broken arm, you would see it and wouldn't ask me to pick up a 50 lb weight. But emotionally, with depression, you may be asking him to pick up a 100 lb weight that he just cannot emotionally handle right now. I've struggled for decades with my depression, with intimacy and with relationships. If I were not with a woman who is as supportive as my wife is, I'd likely be alone myself.

I think getting to know what a depressed person goes through will help you to relate and understand. I have written a few articles on this forum to help those who have people in their lives that struggle with depression. One article that can put you in touch with the head space of a depressed person is this one https://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/thread177047.html

Take care of yourself and your own mental health, and he will see you as a person he can rely on. As someone who can support and understand what he is going through. I'm not saying this is going to be easy for you, but if you love him you can weather through these waves of depression.

I hope and wish you all the best in your understanding of depression and relationship with this person with depression. Please do keep using the forum as a place for you to vent and share what is on your heart and mind.
 
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