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Dating a sociopath-

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Gbx83

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I’ve been seeing a guy who says he’s a sociopath and feels nothing for anyone except his son. BUT he abandoned his son and wife (not sure if they’re still married?) to move to California 3000 miles away, for a job that’s not much different from his job back home. He’ll tell me he’s so depressed over missing his son and “ruining his family,” yet he could’ve gone back home for the last 4 years and chooses not to. He says he wants to be left alone bc he’s depressed over only seeing his son every few months. But then why does he not move back home?
He told me if he could leave his family then he could leave anyone (such as me) with no remorse. So is there really any way for me to make a relationship work w him? He’s certainly very interested in sex with me... but when I say I don’t just want cold emotionless sex where I feel like I’m being used, suddenly he doesn’t wish to see me at all. I said something about how he must invite himself over last minute for sex bc he’s out of other options (his social media is just littered with women appearing to be looking for someone) and then he just says no and I’m hacking into his social media. (I am definitely not doing that!)
 
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Gbx83

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he say he abandoned his son or are those your words?
He says he did. He says he ruined his family and left for no good reason. He says he can leave anyone even his own child with no remorse and isn’t a good person. Now he rarely gets to see him and tells me he’s depressed and doesn’t want to see anyone at all in that case.
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

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So is there really any way for me to make a relationship work w him?
No. The duration of any such relationship will be spent worrying about when the inevitable end will come, and when it does he'll disappear without caring one iota. I say that with such certainty because he's literally told you he's not only capable of behaving this way, but that he's actually done so in the past!

If he can leave his wife and son, he can certainly leave you. There's no way of sugaring that pill... I take no pleasure in being so cold, but he's likely to end up being much colder towards you than anything I could write.

He says he can leave anyone even his own child with no remorse and isn’t a good person.
How many more warnings do you need? How much more clearly can the reality of this person be spelt out to you? I'm actually finding myself feeling respect for his blunt honesty... sociopath or not, I wish there were more people out there capable of such transparency.

I think that ultimately it might be an idea to work on your self-esteem, because quite frankly anyone with a healthy level of self-respect - and a sufficient capacity for self-reliance - would rather be on their own than be with the kind of person you've described.

For all that my words might seem clinical, please believe me when I say that I wish you as peaceful a resolution to your situation as possible.
 
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2Much2Feel

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Yeah, I agree w Ozymandias. I also dated a sociopath for quite some time, and now look back and feel like a fool for believing his apparent emotions of love for me. He'd declare it, get quite dramatic, but I think it was all a ploy. He overall enjoyed the sex and pushing me over the edge as much as he could, I was a toy to him. He left his family as well, acted as if he felt bad, but now I no longer buy it. As I said, I feel like a fool for believing him. He was diagnosed, btw, it's not me being bitter about some guy. I'd get the hell out of it, but I know it's easier said than done. They can be v convincing.
 
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Gbx83

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Thank you all for your advice. His honesty is actually what made me feel hopeful about some sort of future- he was open to sharing his psychopathology with me. But the second I suggest I may think poorly of him- even for something obvious like sexting me daily but not making time to see me, while he meanwhile hangs out with his sister or posts photos of his wife and son on Insta as though they’re a happy family - he launches on the offensive and blocks me. When I wouldn’t let him come over late at night for sex, and suggested that I was just one of many sex options to him (so many scantily clad women as his Insta followers!), he turned on me and like blocked me on social media.
 
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Purpleplum

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Believe someone when they tell you who they are. He's spelling it right out to you. Why aren't you listening?
 
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Gbx83

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Believe someone when they tell you who they are. He's spelling it right out to you. Why aren't you listening?
Well, because when he says he’s toxic to everyone, can’t love anyone, feels emotion only for his son but still abandoned him without remorse, and is a sociopath I see it as more of a depressed-person cry for help. I’d assume that anyone who discloses all of those things is capable of a meaningful relationship with the person to whom they’re disclosing them because it indicates so much vulnerability. When he says he doesn’t want commitment and will always disappoint a partner I take that to mean he’s just scared. The problem is that I can’t express displeasure with ANYthing (example: totally ignoring Valentine’s Day and leaving to go on a trip to Hawaii “for a course related to work and meeting up with my friend,” and not inviting me). If I act disappointed (no yelling or crying, just “you kinda ruined my Valentine’s Day,”) it’s just a sob story about how I just reminded him he will always disappoint everyone, and then he gaslighted me and said he always just told me it’d be a casual arrangement between us
 
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2Much2Feel

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Well, because when he says he’s toxic to everyone, can’t love anyone, feels emotion only for his son but still abandoned him without remorse, and is a sociopath I see it as more of a depressed-person cry for help. I’d assume that anyone who discloses all of those things is capable of a meaningful relationship with the person to whom they’re disclosing them because it indicates so much vulnerability. When he says he doesn’t want commitment and will always disappoint a partner I take that to mean he’s just scared. The problem is that I can’t express displeasure with ANYthing (example: totally ignoring Valentine’s Day and leaving to go on a trip to Hawaii “for a course related to work and meeting up with my friend,” and not inviting me). If I act disappointed (no yelling or crying, just “you kinda ruined my Valentine’s Day,”) it’s just a sob story about how I just reminded him he will always disappoint everyone, and then he gaslighted me and said he always just told me it’d be a casual arrangement between us
OK, the guy I went out with acted as if he felt guilt about leaving his family as well. I honestly question all of that as an act. He'd also say he didn't give a shit about any of them 10 minutes later. I would run from this situation. You are setting yourself up to be played with and hurt. As I said, I was a toy to him, he loved pushing me into SH, etc, and always had 12 women on the side he'd claim he wasn't involved with. They can be good at faking emotions, and def at deceit.
 
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Gbx83

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maybe he actually is just depressed over randomly abandoning his Family (and staying 3000 miles away even though he’s had years to change his mind and get his old job back). But if that’s the case and that’s why he won’t speak to me and is being a recluse, I don’t know what I can really do to change the situation.
 
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2Much2Feel

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maybe he actually is just depressed over randomly abandoning his Family (and staying 3000 miles away even though he’s had years to change his mind and get his old job back). But if that’s the case and that’s why he won’t speak to me and is being a recluse, I don’t know what I can really do to change the situation.
I think that's because you can't. You have no control over other people, esp ones that are telling you they are a problem. You need to do the basic "recovery" from heartbreak, and that's a hard time, but it passes. I've been through it a number of times, and every time I think I'll never meet someone who makes me feel this good, etc., but you get through. You will find love, your heart is open to it. But you just need time at this point, and it's not the best feeling. To really heal, though, you need to cut him out. I had to do the same, after 9 years of this person being an important part of how I felt, etc. It's a hard lesson, but you don't want to waste 9 years figuring out you're better off having them completely out of your life.
 
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Purpleplum

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Well, because when he says he’s toxic to everyone, can’t love anyone, feels emotion only for his son but still abandoned him without remorse, and is a sociopath I see it as more of a depressed-person cry for help. I’d assume that anyone who discloses all of those things is capable of a meaningful relationship with the person to whom they’re disclosing them because it indicates so much vulnerability
No, don't take it as that. You think you can fix him. You can't fix him and you'll be torn apart trying to.

Believe what he's telling you. Don't romanticize things.
 
Argon

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I dated a BPD girls once thinking I could fix her. Huge mistake.
 
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Gbx83

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I agree I can’t fix or fundamentally change him. But I thought I could make him trust me enough to feel I’ll never leave him, that I accept him, and then perhaps a relationship could succeed. He seems to have a very frail ego underneath it all, telling me he’s a curse to everyone and destroyed his family for no reason (although isn’t the latter just fact?!). He seems to alternate between being really down and wanting to be alone, and wanting my attention and sex
 

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