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Clucky111

Well-known member
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Joined
May 13, 2008
Messages
178
Hey guys,

Haven't been feeling at all good this last couple of weeks. Last week I think I reached an all time low - even my mum noticed, which is amazing. Don't really know what to do tbh, I don't have anyone I can talk to right now. I feel like I've regressed, and I'm sick of it :cry: I feel tired is the only way I can describe it, and trapped I guess. I can't think of the right words, I don't think there are the right words :unsure: Any advice?

Sorry for moaning, I feel like that's all I ever do but I scare myself cos I was never contemplating anything before, and sometimes I think something and freak myself out cos I know it's so drastic :unsure:
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Hi Clucky,

Really sorry that you haven't been having a good time of it recently. Here are some hugs... :hug::hug::hug: I know that things can get very scary when you're down there and feel for you. It's great though that you've been able to post to the forum as we're always here to offer support.

I'm probably teaching you to suck eggs here but here goeas anyway... I guess my first contact would be my GP. Generally I've always found mine to be very supportive and generous with his time. When I've needed to he's always given me time to talk about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and he's also been instrumental in my referral to further specialist support which hopefully is sorting me out. So, long story but I guess I would give your gp a try.

If things get worse (though they could be pretty bad at the moment) don't forget that there are organisations like the samaritans who are really useful if you just need to talk to someone, as they say on their site they are happy to talk to anyone whether their problem is big or small. Their number is 08457 90 90 90.

Another thing that I've found helpful is keeping a blog here (or just posting for that matter). Sounds odd doesn't it, but when I'm feeling low writing about it in a blog sort of defuses it a bit, I can see it outside of me and so it takes it away a bit. Kinda sounds a bit cooky but it might help just that little bit.

Do keep posting and let us know how you get on and take care.

Honey, xx
 
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Dollit

Guest
Hi Clucky - sorry you're so rough again. Do you think maybe it's a bit of an anticlimax after the exams and the way things have been at home lately?
 
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Clucky111

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 13, 2008
Messages
178
Thanks for the replies.

I had a CBT session the other day, and she wanted to see me again next week (they used to be a few weeks, even a month apart, but lately they've been once a week...oh how my dad is loving ferrying me around due to my cast) but I can't see her for nearly three as my sister is getting married as I can't fit it around everything my parents are up to. Normally, I'd ring up and get an earlier appt, but that's not an option. Also, my doctor only works on Wednesdays and is one of only two women doctors - who also only works Wednesdays! - so it's very hard to get an appt, usually, by the time I get to see her, the worst has passed, so she says come back in so many weeks and nothing happens much as she never sees me at my worst.

The whole house dynamic has changed these last couple of weeks, cos Dad's been busy and Mum's cleaning frantically for the wedding, so it's been rather calm for a change, but I think that's why she suddenly realised. I haven't been able to get out either, usually when I'm low, I walk the dog, but I can't walk for more than 5 mins right now - so I have no freedom or time alone.

Exam results in two weeks, hopefully they'll be OK *crosses fingers* - I normally only get really down when I'm stressed, which is why I had such a rough time back in June, mainly because I have no motivation to work - but I've got nothing to do now, and it's been a bit of a shock to the system! I think it made me dwell too much as I had nothing else to focus on.

Sometimes I write things down, and everything seems quite logical, like, of course I'd be stressed over exams and stuff...but it doesn't FEEL logical. I don't think that makes sense, but I know what I mean. It's just confusing why this happens.
 
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Dollit

Guest
I was really ill a few weeks ago and it was due to a mood swing. I was suicidal but there was no logical reason for it. Everything I've done this year has turned to gold. Sometimes there is no reason.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Hi there,

I can empathise with the logic versus feeling thing. I can understand things about my illness from a logical point of view but this just means nothing, I think because I haven't clicked with it at an emotional level. Because of this my motivation levels are zero and 'funnily' nothing seems to happen or change.
 
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Clucky111

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 13, 2008
Messages
178
I don't really know what to think about this whole thing. I recently found out my cousin also suffers from depression as well as me and my sister. So, I sometimes wonder, if I'm just making it up in a way cos 'everyone else' has it, it's like I don't believe myself sometimes, and it's a bit weird, but I also think sometimes, it's just sort of built into the family genes, cos we grew up in such different cirumstances. I dunno, the whole thing confuses me!
 
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jamesdean

Guest
dont ever feel like a fraud i spent my life like that n it dosent help its best 2 try n embrace your depression n then its easier 2 deal with my cousin 2 suffers with depression but no 1 else does in the family take care jd
 
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Clucky111

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Joined
May 13, 2008
Messages
178
There is such a huge history of this in my family - a couple of generations up - and it makes me feel like I'm just going along with the crowd, even though I know I'm not. :unsure: So I know I'm actually not a fraud, but I still feel like one. Tis rather confusing.
 
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Dollit

Guest
Depression can run in families - you have a greater chance if a close relative also suffers. Me being bipolar and with a family history of it made it almost inevitable that my sister would become a depressive, and she did.

Remember that depression seems to set out deliberately to confuse and cause doubt. When I'm well I doubt that I'm ill at times and when I'm ill I doubt that I can ever be well.
 
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Clucky111

Well-known member
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May 13, 2008
Messages
178
Same - except everyone wants to ignore it! Only my sister gets the recognition out of the three of us, simpy cos she was the first diagnosed! My aunt actually said she thought it was an excuse. And then sometimes I catch myself laughing or something, and I think this CAN'T be right, I CAN'T be ill, maybe they're right, then I get low again. Then I'll have a few days where I'll feel great, have the same thoughts and go even lower. However, one good thing about having these two suffering aswel, is that I see my sister well - so I know it's possible, I never doubt that.
 
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Dollit

Guest
I am the worst affected but my mother denies I'm ill at all. I just don't tell her anymore. She once told me she didn't want to hear about it because it was upsetting to hear me lie and that I only pretended so that I didn't have to work. (I love work!) Families eh?

That's a very hopeful statement at the end and I'm glad that you can see the truth in that.
 
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Clucky111

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Joined
May 13, 2008
Messages
178
Yeh - she got told she was 'levelling off' yesterday, and I take it that's a good thing. I'm looking forward to the day they say something along those lines to me :D Even though I tend to ignore getting told I'll be OK by other people!
 
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Dollit

Guest
Yes "You'll be all right" is a pretty hollow phrase sometimes. Slim hips told me the night I was suicidal recently that I'd feel differently in the morning and the sun was going to shine - can't remember much else about the conversation - but he was right on both counts. That's the sort of friend I like.
 
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Clucky111

Well-known member
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Joined
May 13, 2008
Messages
178
I've been told I'll feel better in the morning so many times now it's started to lose meaning.
 
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