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Dark thoughts

C

catonwater32

Member
Joined
Mar 29, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Earth
Hi
Not sure if I should post here,

Today my dad got quite angry and it was scary. I was just playing piano, prob a little bit manic, and my dad starts going on about dehumidifying my room, a speech i've heard dozens of times. He ordered me to dehumidify my room in an angry, threatening tone. I got upset and told him that I was sick of his attitude, how dare he order me to do stuff, then went to my mum's room. She didn't advocate for me, later in my room I overheard my dad shouting, and saying that I was a liar, and getting really worked up. My mum went out to 'check' that my room's windows weren't condensed over. There was door slamming.

I guess some memories got triggered. Events in the past of my dad forcing me to do things, and the threat of a slap or getting kicked out looming underneath the surface, and the embarassment of all the neighbours hearing my father's rampage.
I then went for a walk and spent two hours with some cats.

I guess even though I have my reasons, maybe I shouldn't still be living at home. But I don't know.
I guess what I'm angry at most is the way my father wielded his power and authority in the house.
I was made to do things that made me feel powerless and scared and to be honest, make me never want to ever have kids or a family.

I think I really do hate my father, but at the same time I can't remember the bad things that have happened, even today feels like a blur.
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
621
Location
United States
Hi catonwater32!

I'm sorry to hear this. 😣 That sounds like a really scary situation. The fact that your father threatens to abuse to you is terrible. I've never dealt with that in my household and I know if I did, I'd probably feel like that's normal. But it's not!

This sounds like a very toxic relationship to me. I really recommend you finding a therapist to talk to about this. Whether you get some help online or in-person, you don't deserve to be abused.

The last part did hit home with me a bit though. There are times I've been upset with my mother, but trying to find that evidence and remember the situations clearly is a near impossible feat. You find yourself so defenseless that even if you did remember something, the other person will defend their actions or minimize your feelings. My mom is a lovely lady, but I've had my share of problems with her.

Therapy really helped me get some belief in myself. I started to understand the subtle ways our relationship was hurting me so I could learn to move past our issues. I also wrote down what happened so that I could have a clearer picture of the situation to tell my therapist about.

If your father has abused you, then you need to get out. If it's only been a threat, then talking to somebody about it might help you understand how to handle your father better. I don't know if you'll ever have a good relationship with him, but maybe you can avoid his wrath with some help in the communication department.

I feel bad for you catonwater32. I hope you get the help you need. Stay safe!
 
M

markprosso538

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
89
Location
Pennsylvania
yea i can relate. I'm 33 and still have daddy issues unfortunately, hopefully some day I can confront them. He still is real stuck in his ways and just a real impulsive and stubborn person. I remember from grade school into adulthood I would kind of be like a buffer, becuase I think they really don't like eachother (parents) mom would say tell dad i went here. I'd tell him and he'd get upset that he had something to do that day. It was constant open and shutting doors, not communication and luckily I'm not living there anymore. I didn't realize at the time how much of a drain it really was. If I wasn't stuck in addiction and mental health problems I would've moved out much sooner.

I'd say try to get out as much as you can if moving away isn't an option. It's parents jobs to tell us what to do and things like that. But when it gets to belittling it has long term damage. I think that's something a lot of old school advocates don't see. Go hang out with friends and be as social as possible. Music is a great getaway too, i still use it. Good Luck.
 
AnnN

AnnN

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 6, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Macedonia
And my father is yelling sometimes. I'm scared to much. I have no heart for people which are yelling. I m very sensitive.
 
R

Rex Smith

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Aug 30, 2020
Messages
491
Location
Nowhere
What works for me, is to write in the third person like writing a book. Reading it that way helps paint a better picture.
 
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