Dark sides to my personality

qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
440
#1
I find I engage conflict sometimes, enjoy combative or litigious behavior, and while i think that critical thinking is important, i don't want to burn through friends bu picking fights. Anyone who likes deep discussion about philosophical and psychological topics and is ok with aggression and helping a person with what she is worried may be antisocial tendencies is welcome to talk to me. For instance I had a friend whose father killed himself, and while I felt so awful for my friend I personally as a suicidal person felt a great sense of relief that someone went forward with it. My mother is somewhat narcissistic and doesn't want me to do it without regard for the whys of why I do. Even though he is a very close friend I feel wary of telling him about my feeling of catharsis because even though he says he feels comfortable talking about it I feel I will inadvertently or directly push buttons.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Jun 13, 2015
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Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#2
Everyone has a dark side. The question is, do you have any commitment to positivity ?? Do you have a commitment to compassion for others ??

I have a commitment to non violence in thought, word and deed. And I have to be assertive whilst trying to hold onto these values.

I try not to invalidate people's feelings/ideas.
 
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qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
440
#4
Hi poopy, that is wonderful!!!! You have brightened my day. I like nonviolence too. Thank you for helping me with guidance about my friend, yes I am being careful bc he used to be nicer at times but now he has his sides and I don't want to step on any landmines except when I get crazy and don't seem to care about anything but being myself. I need to think of others too.

Thank you so much, other kinds of positivity are hard for me, I feel like I am being fake. But compassion and nonviolence i can get behind.
 
K

KG654

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Joined
Oct 12, 2017
Messages
37
#5
Aware.

The fact that you are aware of and concerned with the feelings of your friend who is hurting because of loss shows you have a caring heart even tho you feel tempted to go to a dark part of you too. It is true that even tho someone says they are ok to talk about it, some things can hurt them once heard and bring them down. It is wise of you to be alert to that. We are all a balance of dark and light and it gets tough sometimes. Just do the best you can, and be there for them. You are a good friend! =)
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Nov 9, 2018
Messages
440
#6
Awwwwww, thank you so much, KG654! What an extremely well timed nice and thoughtful and supportive and warm and cool and lovely way to help me!!!! I feel really complimented and loved. What you say about 'ok but not ok' is exactly how I feel, I want to be sensitive to him because moving closer could either push him away or bring us closer and I value his friendship.

I am not very good at closeness with peers because in my life my peers have rejected me so much. I just want to say thank you for such a really really helpful way to give me some community when I have been feeling so kicked aside and devalued sometimes.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
440
#7
I struggle to balance my wish to be myself and my dread of rejection.

For example, I want to be able to call fat people fat and recognize that body weight often has a major role good or bad in how I assess people.

I have litigious, critical sides to me and I want to examine my and others' lives thoroughly, not just not make waves and paddle along.

I crave more deep connection and interactions with people, not just scrape through life looking as much like other people as I can.