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"Dark Night of the Soul"/ Awakening to a Personality Disorder/ Dissociating

Q

Quillpig17

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The past almost three years of my life have been foggy at best. I was 20 when my life was flipped upside down.

I was, from an outside perspective, a normal kid. Funny, good looking, and a bit eccentric. I also internally assumed I was just a normal person. Until I attempted a serious relationship for the first time. I really liked this girl and was just consumed by our relationship. But this led to me realizing something horrific. I just could not engage in intimacy. There was this wall that would just pop up and numb me to everything. Being in "love" and realizing you are being blocked from expressing affection was a torture I went through. I sat for I think pretty much days and days thinking over this stuff just trying get to the root of it and "fix" myself. After researching the internet I quickly realized I probably had a personality disorder. Seeing the "there is no cure", "symptoms can be treated" stuff put me into a deep level of anxiety and depression. At some point I hit the "dark night of the soul". I don't know how to describe this part well. I frankly don't remember much. But I'll try to articulate it from the strictly intellectual mindset I'm operating under.

I'm not a religious person but this experience shows me why there is such a thing. It was truly hell on earth. I died in front of myself. I was pierced to the core. Every thing that had given me comfort was exposed as a lie. The ugliness of who I was and what everyone else is was shown to me. And I think most of all the intimate details of my personality disorder were exposed to me.

At the time I pretty much thought I was going insane. So I kinda tried to fight the "dark awakening" and live life. I thought maybe if I try and get a job it will go away. Maybe it is just some terrible anxiety disorder I thought at one point, something just to ignore. But ever since that experience I have been trapped in that hell in a way. Everyday feels like a dream. Like I just can't be present. My memory is bad, everything since that experience just seeming like a blur. My whole life memory even seems almost like someone else's memory. Emotionally I am very absent and socially I feel pretty much autistic. Reading this you might think, "well this guy just has a screw loose" but that's almost the strangest part. I'm still a completely sane person living in reality.

I made this post hoping someone on here has gone through something similar or has some type of insight on my circumstances. It is a very confusing state to be in. I have some theories of my own after doing some research. One being that my "dark night of the soul" experience was one that many would come out of feeling reborn, infinitely more content with life and ready to grow and enjoy their life with the insights they extracted. But me being someone with an unresolved personality disorder, it left me bare with these distorted ways of thinking blocking me from continuing to the truly content life that I can now only accept. Another more dark theory is that I somehow failed this awakening or interrupted it by trying to fight it or not being strong enough to take it and will now be stuck in this horrible state of mind for life. I like to think this is irrational.

Anyways thanks for reading this and please let me know your honest thoughts on my circumstances.
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

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take the MBTI test online and report back with your type
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

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3 years is a long freaking time. It would be nice to have a guide book for this. It was suggested to me to treat it like a journey and just go with the flow. Living with anxiety that wasn't how I operated. I wanted to know exactly what was going on so I knew what I was supposed to do. 20 years of learning about the nature of the self helped.

After ego death I had to let go of everything, jealous, anger, fear, resentment, judgement. Seeing that the universe had everything under control helped and all that happened in my life was for a specific purpose. Prior to dark night I had been attempting to do these things over 10 years. So I was much better prepared.

Studying my astrological chart, both western and vedic, showed me why I was experiencing this and pointed me in the direction of the I should go.

So it was triggered by a relationship? Are you still with them or in contact?
 
Q

Quillpig17

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Joined
Dec 28, 2020
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3 years is a long freaking time. It would be nice to have a guide book for this. It was suggested to me to treat it like a journey and just go with the flow. Living with anxiety that wasn't how I operated. I wanted to know exactly what was going on so I knew what I was supposed to do. 20 years of learning about the nature of the self helped.

After ego death I had to let go of everything, jealous, anger, fear, resentment, judgement. Seeing that the universe had everything under control helped and all that happened in my life was for a specific purpose. Prior to dark night I had been attempting to do these things over 10 years. So I was much better prepared.

Studying my astrological chart, both western and vedic, showed me why I was experiencing this and pointed me in the direction of the I should go.

So it was triggered by a relationship? Are you still with them or in contact?
I have thought that about why is there no guide books for this type of stuff. It must be a somewhat irrational idea of an anxious mind. Reframing the terrible "awakening" experience as a necessity, positive force in my life is something I'm just opening up to. I think it might be a waste of time to try and rationalize it.

And about the relationship I would say it was more triggered by my realization I was not capable of a relationship then the relationship itself. I'm not in contact with them anymore but I tried to be with them even after all the realizations. A relationship was just not possible though
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

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Perhaps you are right. For me as my perceptions and conditioned beliefs were being ripped apart I felt I needed a new understanding to replace it. Rather than floating in the middle of nowhere confused. Perhaps going with the flow and letting it happen naturally may work better for you?
 

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