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Dark Fantasies

Leytonuntidy

Leytonuntidy

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2019
Messages
3
Location
United Kingdom
Hey there sports fans!

I hope you're all having a completely bearable day.

When I was 14 I watched as my best friend was brutally murdered. At the time we were both involved in various petty illegal activities. Because of this, I felt unable to tell a single soul that I was there when it happened. Shit was rough.

In the coming years, I became disconnected from everything. Friends, family, school, hobbies. On the worst days, I would have flashbacks, I'd wake-up sweating from intense nightmares, and avoid any environmental surroundings that reminded me, even the smallest amount, of that day.

I used to live with my mum until my relationship with my stepfather became so toxic I was forced to live with my dad. He was dismissive. Massively. He just thought I was a lazy teenager and he'd openly tell me that. He'd tell me that to the point where I believed him. For years I agreed and had that taste of self loathing that wouldn't go away.

I'm now 28. I have a beautifully charming one year old son (I'm biased, but he's the best. Don't @ me), who's mother I'm separated from. She's great with him. I'd trust her completely if anything happened to me. Sadly, I don't see my son as a protective factor. If anything, I see him as a reason to die. As if I need to leave his world before he's old enough to remember me.

I think about suicide everyday. A lot of the time, I could even say every hour. Googling ways to do it, writing and rewriting countless suicide notes (I can never come up with the perfect last words). I've had a few close run-ins with suicide attempts, but I've always managed to eventually talk myself out of them at the last moment on three occasions.

I have depression. I think I've gone past PTSD now. I rarely experience flashbacks or night terrors. I just have low moods. Really low moods. They come like waves. Every two or three weeks, I'll slip under and become bed-bound for days. Not eating, not sleeping, not talking to anyone. Just lying there. Scared to leave the house in case I do something stupid, scared to talk to anyone in case I push them away. I spend the whole time scared of myself.

I have tinnitus and I've started to hear voices/noises around the house that I believe are in my head too. So that's not fun. I've pushed all of my friends away, which - even though I understand it's unhealthy - I quite like because there's no pressure, guilt, or shame when I regularly refuse to do anything with them.

I've been through counseling. My counselor was incredible, and it was great to talk, but I don't feel like it helped me in anyway. I've taken countless different types and doses of antidepressants over the years and haven't felt anything other than excessive sweating, weight gain, and erictile dysfunction (form an orderly queue, ladies).

Anyway, that's me. I'm not expecting any miracles, sympathy, or even any advice. I'm just hoping someone can relate to something I've said and feel comfort in knowing you're not alone.

Thanks for reading!

As you were.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
187
Location
South Korea
I'm also 28. Single and never had a girlfriend before.

I went through countless traumatic events similar to you... But it wracks my head too much. Here's one that I can possibly tell in this forum... Not as painful compared what you're going through, but I can't tell you the worse things I went through (too painful).

When I was a teenager, I was jealous of a person who was smart (there were plenty of people like that). She was doing well in academics, and I stank at it. I tried to study hard, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't going to catch up with her. But I tried to flirt with her in order to gain favor. Nevertheless, hatred surged beyond toleration, and said some pretty gruesome insults at her. She freaked out, told the school administrators, and I was kicked out of school. Shame and terror gripped at me because the police was almost going to arrest me. I knew what jail was going to be like. Warning: scary content!


Thankfully, since I was an honor student, I was let off by the administrators and the police only gave me a warning. Although I didn't go to jail, my life spiraled downwards. My parents were unwell, and I hurt my family.

I tried to go to college, but I kept failing due to my mental disorders that plagued me afterwards. Since my dad was not making enough money, I had to take care of my mentally ill mom. Alone. And it drains my mental health. But nevertheless, I have hopeful willpower and push on.

Enough about me. Back to you...

Just because your dad/stepdad told you that you're lazy don't mean SHIT! ;) You went through a lot of bullshit. Your friend was brutally murdered! Your dad/stepdad doesn't have ANY rights to tell you off!
We all make a lot of wrong choices in life. I did, like earlier. But you can't dwell in the past forever. Move on!

And about your son, I can guess that you're not confident to raise him. You don't want to give him bad influence of what you're going through. Step up. He needs a dad. Please give him the father he needs. Without you, it'll mess up his ENTIRE life. You don't want that, don't you? :(

Like, what if your girl left you with your son? You don't have a choice except to raise him. There are a lot of single fathers who raise their children on their own. Please keep living for him.

Sorry for this piss-poor advice... If you don't like it, I just want to let you know, you're not alone...
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,182
Location
NZ
Hey welcome and thanks for sharing what you've been through, that's a heck of a lot you've had to deal with at very young age
 
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