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MarlieeB

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I have decided on a date where to carry out my final plan and since then I have felt really relaxed and even though the dark cloud is still over me and I'm still fighting what my head is telling me to do 24/7 it's like one cloud has gone because it knows what is going on.

Of course there is a little bit of me that doesn't want to actually go through with it, what is the point in carrying on?

The services have made it perfectly clear they aren't interested in me and I know my family wouldn't give a crap, hell it would most likely make their lives a little easier when I'm all gone, out of the way.

I just have no purpose in my life anymore. I am more than likely going to lose my job role in my rl life and things here went totally downhill due to things. I am crap in everything I do so that aspect is never going to get better.

My family, well they really couldn't give a crap about me. Even though they know why I am off sick my mother told me off for not answering the phone to my work (umm I was sleeping) and then arranged a meeting about my future at work, in work behind my back. All they are talking about is me losing my job yet I can't get out of here as I know at the moment if I went back to my flat I wouldn't wait for my plan. It's a catch 22 situation in a way.

I do have some people on here who care about me and I am very thankful for that and I know that they will hurt.

Maybe I am waiting for so long (just over two months till the planned day) because I am waiting to see whether a light will shine, even though I know it won't. Maybe there is something in me that still wants to fight, I don't know anymore.

I just want an end to this life and for me, it isn't as simple as others may think, it's somewhat laughable for me.

I am going through CBT at the moment and I am lucky that I have a therapist that I clicked with straight away but we are no where near the proper stuff....

Sorry for my ramblings.
 
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Waverunner

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I hope that the light shines for you MarlieeBee. Give the therapy a chance to work!
 
Kerome

Kerome

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But what if suffering was just suffering, and didn't bring any of this talk of "final plans". Surely everybody suffers a bit? Isn't it our lot just to carry on despite suffering? Because that's life?
 

MarlieeB

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So you are telling me that I should just put up with it?

So in your world, what I just have to go though everything? have the memories I have and just put up and shut up?

That is what got me in this situation in the first place!
 
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Kerome

Kerome

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So you are telling me that I should just put up with it?

So in your world, what I just have to go though everything? have the memories I have and just put up and shut up?

That is what got me in this situation in the first place!
Well I don't know your situation, but I do believe we are here on this earth for a reason, and that a "final plan" cutting short your stay isn't likely to be part of the plan. Isn't it better to work on your issues, overcome them, live a long and good life?
 

MarlieeB

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But that's the problem, I've tried for so long to work on them and it doesn't get better.

I believe it was my destiny to leave this earth by my own doing, it's something I have believed for years.

Everything, no matter how much I try does not go right.

I keep on being told things about myself that I have to change, I've even been told this on here. If you can't be yourself on a mh forum then where can you be?

I'm interested.
 
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Waverunner

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Maybe those that have told you to change are the ones that need to change and not you. You certainly seem to have a level of self awareness. I don't have any answers and I'm struggling with this myself at the moment but is hope not important? I'm not sure I have any hope right now but I'd like to think that will change :shrug: it's the only way I may survive
 
Kerome

Kerome

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But that's the problem, I've tried for so long to work on them and it doesn't get better.
Don't give up! People discover new things all the time, and you never know when you'll find a new technique, or meet a new person, who turns it all around for you.

I believe it was my destiny to leave this earth by my own doing, it's something I have believed for years.
Well I thought I'd be dead at 25... Then 35... And now I'm 42 and still going with no end in sight. It's not healthy to set limits for yourself or make plans for your passing. It's much better to live!

I keep on being told things about myself that I have to change, I've even been told this on here. If you can't be yourself on a mh forum then where can you be?

I'm interested.
Of course you can be yourself Marliee, especially here on MHF, but we are going to give you feedback :) I guess that happens to everyone.
 

MarlieeB

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There is feedback and then there is destructive feedback said to you to destroy you :) (that in no means, means it has been said in the forum)

I'm not setting a limit (well kinda am but still) I was never told a age, just that I would have to end my life myself. It took me many years to accept it and that meant there was more stuff thrown at me on purpose until they put the final hammer blow which made them win.
 
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Waverunner

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There is feedback and then there is destructive feedback said to you to destroy you :)

I'm not setting a limit (well kinda am but still) I was never told a age, just that I would have to end my life myself. It took me many years to accept it and that meant there was more stuff thrown at me on purpose until they put the final hammer blow which made them win.
Who told you?
 
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