Cyclothymia is not mild sometimes

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Mona14

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Jul 7, 2017
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#1
Cyclothymia is not always mild. I think I needed just to put that fact out there.

A "down" can come like a gust of wind, cause a fight between my husband and I over the smallest issue. It can persuade me that a change of job is nigh, that I am SO stupid that I should just sit in a corner and cringe. It makes me want to smash a plate with rage. It makes me cry in front of my children and it forgets to make me care. It makes me kiss those same children goodnight later that evening with painful guilt coursing through my entire body. When the storm has passed I feel raw, sore and tired like a toddler after it has wept so much its body shakes. I can dread going out as I feel embarrassed. I often people won't recognize me from one hour or one day to the next because when I am on a "high"...

I will be utterly charming. I will smile so much I am sure my smile is shining. If I meet people who have got to know me on a high they will say "you are just as happy as ever" and my husband can not understand why because he is there for the lows.
I want to BUY online just because I want something in my letter box. I feel taller and stronger. I feel I can talk with style about the subjects I know. I feel pretty, funny, engaging. I feel drunk in fact. I move fast, I don't sit still. I speak quickly and I go to bed but I can not sleep. At all. I lie there as if someone laid me down at 11am and I wait. I sometimes move my legs non stop, it is horribly painful and I get very frustrated.

Before or after this episode I will be so tired I get a head rush going upstairs. I have zero energy. I feel like I am moving through sludge. I want to sleep for days or just stare at a wall. I feel blank, apathetic but I am not depressed so I can not cry. I just exist for muted tones and blank walls.

And this, again and again and again despite the Lithium. Ongoing cycles like some ride one can not get off. I can not think about it. I know I change every four days but sometimes it is every few hours. I just have to hold on and try and learn from each swing. Still, I am getting older and I don't think this will stay mostly unseen for long. I push it down like an ice cube in a glass but it bobs up and I feel with age I am not going to be able to hide it as well as I could at parties in my thirties when shiny and glittery and was more mainstream.

Cyclothymia is not mild. It can pose serious risks to relationships and to sufferers themselves. It can improve though. Of that I am persuaded. But it will take work.

Although I was diagnosed only in December, I have had Cyclothymia since I was a child. When I was 17, a doctor gave me Prozac for depression. I became so irritated and needed to move constantly so much that it hurt to stay still that I had to stop taking it. I developed OCD probably as young as 12 to deal with mood changes.

If anyone wants to talk about Cyclothymia I would love to share and listen. I don't know anybody in my boat. It is a shame that it is rare and that more people don't speak out about how difficult it can be. Reading that it is "mild" can make it difficult to feel valid which everyone has a right to feel no matter what.
 
Square Pearl

Square Pearl

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#2
I wholeheartedly agree with you and I enjoyed your description of trying to live a life with devastating and confusing mood swings. :low:
 
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Mona14

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#3
Phew! someone else gets me! THANK YOU! I change around every four days but I have HUGE periods of apathy and exhaustion. Does anyone get either of those things? The exhaustion and restlessness is maddening. Really. The four day rule is useful but depressing...
 
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Mona14

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#5
Cyclothymia is a mild form of Bipolar (apparently)...
 
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Mona14

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#7
I wonder why people keep calling Cyclothymia mild...maddening.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#9
Well, if you ever saw bipolar on steroids, literally, you'd see the contrast. Some people with bipolar have psychotic features and see horrendous hallucinations, for example.
 
Square Pearl

Square Pearl

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#10
I've just woken up. Again. :rolleyes:
I'd like a touch of insomnia again so I know what day it is.
 
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