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Cyclothymia and Rage...Please help!

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HeavyHeartedInIowa

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
1
I've been dating an amazing man with cyclothymia. He is not currently taking any medications for this, as we just learned of his diagnosis. He seemed amenable to doing the work to feel better. We have a really intimate and close relationship. I am almost 45 years old (he is 53) and I've had several long-term relationships with great men, but this is the first time I have actually considered planning a future with someone. He is my soulmate. He has not had a partner of any kind (beyond casual sex) in over 12 years and he has been adamant about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.

My story is below, but in case it's too long a read, my question is this (and perhaps those with cyclothymia can chime in): When your partner with cyclothymia has rages and says it's over, is it better to give him space and time to reach out to you or should you reach out to them to let them know you want to support them? After the rages, he is never the first to reach out to me, but when we do connect, he admits he is so remorseful, embarrassed and ashamed. He ALWAYS wants me by his side during his depressive states...this I do know. There seems to be differing opinions out there. If you read my story, you'll see that historically, my partner does respond to me after a couple of days...but our last bout was especially extreme so I don't know how to best handle it. Of note, he also has serious insecurities about us and abandonment issues. I don't want to lose him. I at least want to give it a chance since he is open to treatment and therapy.

We have had issues in the past involving his extreme rage and outbursts that were far disproportionate to the issue at hand. In the past, he would rage and say awful, hurtful things to me and then stop responding to my attempts (via texting and calling) to work things out. After a day or so, I'd call again and he'd respond. We'd meet up and he'd eventually get really emotional and cry and express his remorse. He told me he didn't know who that person is and it's as if he's possessed. He told me when he gets like that, to just wait for it to pass.

More recently, there was an episode like I'd never seen. He had been in a depressive state and felt he was coming out of it, but I wasn't convinced. We were getting along fine and I started talking to him about some concerns in our relationship. He was receptive and sweet and understanding. Then, the next morning, when it came up again, he was fine until suddenly he goes, "I can't talk about this anymore" and gets up and starts spastically doing chores. I try to talk him down, but then he leaves the apartment. In the past, I would make a couple attempts to talk, but then leave. This time, I decided to stay with him, because he had told me when he gets like that to let it pass (I now realize he maybe didn't mean literally staying by his side). He kept yelling horrible, threatening things to me the whole time, telling me to go away.

When we made it make to his house, he slammed the door in my face and so I went to leave. The next thing I know, he's back and lets me in...so I assume he is calming down and wants me there. But he claimed that wasn't the case. He said not to talk to him while he slept. I sat there with him for a couple hours and would try to touch him and he'd lose it on me and tell me to go away. He also raged that it was over and that he never loved me. I eventually came to my senses and left.

Here's the thing. Historically, I am always the one who reaches out and he is eventually responsive, but it's usually because the fight happened by phone and it didn't escalate. A couple days after the incident, I sent an email saying that I was foremost his friend and he can reach out whenever he wants. It's been less than 48 hours since the incident and less than 12 hours since I wrote to him, but I am not doing well. Each time this happens, we agree that we shouldn't go a night without resolution, yet here we are. Since learning of his diagnosis, it makes more sense to me that he doesn't yet have the tools to stick to that agreement. Advice anyone?
 
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Pamtiger

Member
Joined
May 22, 2016
Messages
22
I have had a few rages, and it has been triggered by people who have hurt me or extreme stress. My husband has some issues which triggered my polar rages. I finally had to separate. We still see each other, but limit the time. The important thing for you is to set your boundaries.
 
C

Cat Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 23, 2015
Messages
73
I don't know about his illness but this is domestic abuse
 
T

Twokiwisandabanana

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 23, 2016
Messages
811
Sorry your in such. Difficult situation it's sounds like your living with two different people the caring sweet guy and the raged up meany.
What I would personally do is every time he rages just leave the situation just get up and go home.
And wait for him to contact you.
If he doeasnt Contact you just wait.
 
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