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cycle that I cannot stop

M

monitoring_station

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2017
Messages
4
Location
midlands uk
Hi, I'm very new here. I am usually a happy guy who loves life but I found myself about to attempt suicide. I was fortunate enough to snap out of it before I did something there is no going back from.

My story is long so I totally get it if you don't want to read it. I know that to fix me, I need to fix my wife who has a dissociation disorder.

I am somehow tuned into my wife, when she is happy I am happy and when she is low, I am low.

Recently I well and truly hurt her. I married her only a few months ago and our life together felt perfect (except that financially we are poor). I made the huge mistake of suggesting a fantasy become reality.

My wife has never belonged anywhere. she was knocked about by her step dad as a child, she had to run away from home, she was cheated on by her last long term boyfriend and she has never had a home to call her own. that is until she met me and we started a family. money is tight so it took us 10 years to get married. we had been talking about a fantasy in bed together that we both shared. It involved inviting another guy to our bed to help me play with my wife. The fantasy in my head never truly involved another person. There was no face, no talking, no communication of any kind from the other guy, in my head it was almost like a mannequin. I told her that I would like it to happen and this is where the trouble began. Mistake number 1

the moment I told her she switched her emotions off. she became disassociated (a trick she learned as a child). I didn't spot it at first. we both went ahead and met someone off of a swinging website. we all played together but I really didn't enjoy seeing another guy with my wife. she had told me earlier before meeting that I needed to be sure as she would feel guilty if I didn't like it. at the time the fantasy still wasn't real and I wasn't 100% sure I wanted it but I said I did. After the guy had left she asked me how I felt. I lied and told her I enjoyed it as I didn't want her to feel guilty, I figured maybe I would get used to it and it could become fun. Mistake number 2.

At this point my wife went full steam ahead. she was dragging me to sex clubs and getting me to go and meet guys with her. her behaviour started changing and she started breaking rules. I told her that we needed to wind it back a little bit but she pushed harder. she told me that she wanted to meet a guy by her self. I refused but she kept pestering me and pestering me until finally I gave in. she met someone while I was at work. I came back and confessed how much I hated it and how I wanted to stop. at this point she stopped listening to what I had to say and did what she wanted. she met guys by her self she went to sex clubs alone and doesn't care how I feel about it, she told me she doesn't feel anything emotionally, all she knows is she likes the attention from other guys and she loves sex.

I am aware that when someone disassociates they can form addictions. I believe that this has become an addiction. if she isn't meeting guys, she is messaging guys all day.

I have become severely depressed over the whole thing. I feel like I have lost the love of my life and I can't bring her back. I know that I caused this.

Mistake number 3 was on Sunday evening. she came home at 05:45am after going to a sex club with another guy then gong back to his house. she came back just in time for me to go to work so she could watch the kids. she had a love bite and when I got to work I lost all control. I called the Samaritans and tied to find help online but was unsuccessful. I went home and told her I needed to leave, I couldn't watch my wife messaging and leaving the house to fuck other guys. she told me I would have to watch as I would have to come and watch the kids while she went out. I decided that I didn't have to watch anything. I went for a drive. I found myself about to attempt suicide. I was lucky to start thinking about my children and my wife and what it would do to them. I then went home to find the police and a frantic wife.

some of you might think that this would have shocked my wife into stopping. well it didn't have the effect, I know my wife well enough to know that she wouldn't take what I had done well at all. she has abandonment issues so all that this has actually done is make her trust me less and want me less. she now has the idea in her head that I would abandon her.

I don't blame her for any of this. I blame myself. I started it and I'm the one that lied and almost left her for good. I can empathize with my wife but it kills me that she cannot do the same as she has turned off her emotion and really couldn't care less.

anyway, that's where we are now. I have a pissed off wife. I am all over the place, impulsive, snappy and sarcastic because of the pain I am an which makes her pissed off at me and push me away more which hurts again.

I know I am the engine that is making this cycle repeat. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix us and I'm desperate.

Congratulations if you made it to the end. I'm sorry it took so long, I just can't concentrate so have to ramble.

Monitoring_Station
 
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Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
It seems everyone has forgotten morals and ethics and why we should have them. When I was younger, I was a sex addict. Your wife may also have become a sex addict. I went to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous years ago.

You can't fix your wife so that you can then be happy. You can't fix her at all. She has to come to some crisis point. She has to hit bottom. You can't fix the "us". You can only fix yourself. Killing yourself isn't the answer.

My sex addiction affected my children adversely. They can sense and feel what is going on. Try to focus on the kids and try to be emotionally available for them. Are you providing a great home atmosphere for them ??

I am somehow tuned into my wife, when she is happy I am happy and when she is low, I am low This sounds codependent to me. There are some great books on codependency.
 
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