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cycle of self destruction

A

absjabs

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Feb 15, 2015
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Hi all I'm new to this forum but have been meaning to post for a while. I'm 21 and have experienced anxiety and depression for going on 6/7 years now. It has always held me back and continues to as I'm currently failing at university. Up until the last month I have always rejected any offers of medication, but being in my 3rd year I thought it was time to give it a try and have started a course of 20mg citalopram.
Initially, it made me worse and last week I was in a very bad way, however in the last few days my mood has levelled out and I now feel "normal" again.

But suprisingly it's when I feel "normal" that I feel worse than when I have an extremely low mood. When the episode of depression begins to ease off I experience obsessional thoughts about self harm, suicide, reckless behaviour such as drinking excessively, I even fantasize about having a serious illness such as cancer. I apologise in advance because I know many people have been affected by such a horrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I also don't want to become ill to gain attention from others. I just don't want to be "well", physically or mentally. It's like I don't think I deserve any better.

And so the obsessional thoughts continue to affect my concentration and sleep until I am back in a pit of depression and despair. I also ignore my friends and don't turn up for lectures, despite being in a better mood. This time I am obsessing over taking an overdose and am seriously planning on doing it, although I am scared to die and don't actually want to die. I just don't want to be well.

Why am I like this?? I have never told anyone this before because I know these thoughts are so disgusting and believe it or not I am a really caring person (Just not to myself!). Is this pattern of self destruction more than just depression?
And should I tell my counsellour about this, as it is definitely impeding any progress and is probably the reason I have never responded to CBT in the past too!

Many thanks for reading, and please try to be nice when you're answering, I already know how messed up this sounds! xxx
 

MarlieeB

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Jan 15, 2013
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Hi and :welcome: to the forum.

First of all no need to be sorry for what you wrote and don't worry about getting bad answers.

I think it is a really good idea to tell your counsellor about what has been going on right now and before. You have said yourself that it is impeding your progress. I would say it is important to talk through these thoughts and feelings, especially with how strong thoughts you actually get.

I'm glad you don't want to die and that you can see that these are just thoughts. If you do feel you are going to carry out any plans please tell someone straight away.

Marliee x
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Were the obsessional kind of thoughts there before you took citalopram?
 
A

absjabs

New member
Joined
Feb 15, 2015
Messages
2
Thank you for replying. I have been feeling increasingly strong urges to harm myself severely, in the last few days and haven't been going into uni or doing work as a result because it's been all that I can think about. I don't know what to do because even when I get distracted its like I tell myself no you shouldn't be feeling okay and force myself to think about it again..if that makes sense. I have a GP appointment on Thurs I just hope he takes me seriously because I really am worried about what I'm capable of and I'm scared he'll think I'm attention seeking.

Its like my minds split in two, with the rational side knowing that I don't want to die but the other side going on and on about how I should, at the moment the rational side is losing!

And Somerset Scorpio yeah they have always been there, they come and go, mostly coming when my mood starts to lift. Its like I wont let myself be okay.
 
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