Cutting out toxic family

C

Catlady07

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Joined
May 9, 2019
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Glasgow
I'm in my mid 30s and have finally accepted that my mother is never going to change and for me to be able to have a happy and healthy life I need to completely remove her from the equation.
I won't go into details but she allowed a lot of horrific things happen to me as a child because she was a drug addict and didn't have the capacity to care. I missed a lot of school as she kept me home to look after her and look after my younger siblings.
I've been in therapy for a few weeks and it's brought to light just how much she still hurts me even though I'm an adult now and she is no longer drug dependent plus she lives in a different country!
Without throwing accusations or being angry, I emailed her and told her that I was upset about something she had recently said to me and it wasn't the first time so I needed a break in contact.
Her reply made it clear to me that she's never going to change or ever attempt to fight for me. She said 'I'm clearly a huge source of anguish to you and if you need space then fine. Take care of yourself'
This really made me angry, and for myself I replied and went into detail of past and current trauma she has put me through and that I'm done allowing her to hurt me.
I have no intention of any further communication with her but I have a notification on my phone that she has replied again. I don't know if I should even read her response or just delete my email and block her. Or should I read it because I might always wonder what she said? Help!
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

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Hi, sorry to hear your story, it's really hard if you have bad parents, it can leave you very insecure in life. You have to think about your life and your happiness. I hope you find peace best of luck
 
daffy

daffy

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Hi cat lady I think your very brave to confront your mum about the abuse because a lot of the time the children of the abusers just keep quiet and then it festers like an open wound until you literally flip and have a breakdown.
In all honesty I would probably read the email cos you would always wonder if it was an apology. All the same I think you do right to cut contact with her, I wish I’d had that courage with my mum.
Daf:hug:
 
C

Catlady07

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May 9, 2019
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Glasgow
Thank you.
Unfortunately I have had several breakdowns over the years and I hit rock bottom last year when I attempted suicide. A stranger literally saved my life by taking me to the hospital.
I have given her every opportunity to step up to her role as my mother but for some reason it's always me who is looking after her in some way.
I'm so done with it.
I appreciate your kind words.
I am certainly not expecting an apology and the words have lost all meaning from her now anyway.
I'm still to scared to open the email. I think I'll wait a few more days so I can avoid having a knee jerk reaction as I'm still very angry right now
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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With a decision to remove a toxic person from your life you will have to commit to having NO CONTACT with them. Take your grievances to a therapist. Count the days of your sobriety from her. Come here and brag and we will cheerlead you. Things start to change after 30 days, even more around 6 weeks and quite a bit by 8 weeks. and with a therapist you can chart your course in freedom.
 
4EVRHSP

4EVRHSP

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Mar 11, 2019
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...
Hi there Catlady07. I completely empathise with you about your situation. My mother is also very toxic and inflammatory towards me and will always be that way. The best road for us is literally to remove them from our lives and go as far away as possible. Good luck to you and wishing you well
 
C

Catlady07

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Wow wow wow! I read the reply. It was most definitely not an apology but more a excuse. Thanks everyone for your support 😊
 
H

happyhello

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May 15, 2019
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Earth
Hello, I am in the same situation. But it is both of my parents together. The only problem is I have to live with them right now. It's a very scary situation. Please see my story below. If you have any advice I would appreciate it.
 
H

happyhello

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May 15, 2019
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Okay, this is a true story... So, I am taking for some natural remedies right now (arnica) which really helped me to write this. I quit my job (a kind of decent one apparently). I am overweight. I am a Mom of one child. My son's father was abusive- he left. I live with my parents and work as an online tutor and spend many days alone. My parents (and the entire world) keep rubbing it in my face how bad I messed up. I need help. But I keep feeling like I am being punished for making bad choices. I made a mistake, yes. I quit my job (this was a VERY big mistake) But I am human. My aunt quit her job when she became a mother and now she is missing teeth and everyone in the family hates her. I do not want this to be my fate. I also live overseas. (outside the US, and am an American citizen) with dual citizenship. I live in Latin America. I am bilingual and very talented with languages. So, I got a master's in linguistics and work as an online English tutor. Anyway, after I was physically abused by my "ex", nothing was reported (I cancelled all allegations) which was very stupid, but no one really backed me up and having low self-esteem to begin with, I kind of coaxed myself into not standing up for my rights, and so he got away with it. Now I am learning he could have faced 6-10 years in prison. Currently, I have a small support group but, he doesn't send child support even though I ask him to and he was ordered by the judge (this is recent). But he is not here. He was here and had a job (but according to him I ruined that for him too) Which is not true. We both ruined our jobs on our own terms. So, my parents pay for a school for my son. Which is wonderful and I am very thankful, but they keep trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Like they want to take my son on a vacation this summer, but I am not invited. I am sure my parents are traumatized by this too. They are entering their social security benefits for retirement and starting old age and I'm positive they did not plan to spend it like this. They tell me I have to pay my own way (but I don't have any money) I know I QUIT MY JOB. I made a horrible mistake. I wish I had not done that. Like I said, I have a job now, but it pays very little. Now what am I to do? I am so f*****ing traumatized!!! help! I am 34 years old! I know I am loved somewhere somehow. But I am living a substandard life. And I work hard up and am a good person. Yes, I had a little bit of trouble with alcohol and stimulant drugs (pills mostly), but I am over that now and understand I was young and dumb. Again, we all make mistakes, we are only human. Somehow I would like to get my son and I a deal to live in the USA but don't know how. He doesn't have US citizenship (even though I am a US citizen because I (the mother) never lived in the US for more than one consecutive year, and I was not married at the time of his birth (even though I tried to negotiate on this), nor does his father have US citizenship) I would maybe have to get a teaching certificate and try to get a job. Then get my son's citizenship through residency or something. I used to cry everyday and no one in my family really even cared! I am stronger now, but am still really internally, like WTF! There, that's me spilling the beans for ya! The father of my son is still out there, and believe he is still highly volatile, hates me and probably really wants to see the end of me. (he is crazier than I am) I am scared. but refuse to let it affect me. I will do anything to get myself to a safer place. (that's not death) please I don't want to die yet. This is not the way I wanted things to end for me. I see a therapist, but she does not prescribe medications. Please keep in mind that medication and doctors are very expensive here (as everywhere). So my parents pay for this therapist, but I do not want to borrow any more money to start meds or see a psychiatrist. Can anyone help me? Thank for for your patience with me on here. Several people have reached out. And here is my story, finally.
 
H

happyhello

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May 15, 2019
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Earth
Hi on another note, regarding my parents and my current situation. I live with them. My parents also do not want to take responsibility for anything in their own lives and any money that I have, they try to take it from me. They think I owe them something. They have enough money to live a normal, healthy life, but they are very greedy and want more. An even bigger problem- my mother uses me. Right now she is watching me go to the gym and tutor online, and so she is going to try to copy me and do the same thing.
 

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