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curiosity? overthinking? confusion? second guessing? something else?

C

crbt

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2020
Messages
2
Location
UK
Long story short:

I was bullied in school - I was basically the school nerd, loved and still love Star Wars, Star Trek etc so I was an easy target. I am a movie fanatic, so I always preferred watching films over playing sports. I was and still am IMO a shy, thoughtful, quiet and reserved introvert. Because I spoke very little, again, I was an easy target. Because of all that and because being a nerd means never getting the guy lucky enough to have a girlfriend in school, no one to take to the school prom etc, I was picked on and called gay. It even reached the point where two people, one certainly being popular in school, would spread lies about me saying I have a boyfriend that they just made up, spent my days doing sexual things with lightsabers, and because I was shy and spoke very little and kept myself to myself, I was never listened to. They were believed every time, so it was pointless me saying everything. I blame myself for not standing up for myself big time. But hey, it was more than 10 years ago, I let it go and moved on.

During lockdown, I have been alone all to myself - no girlfriend or any company at all. I have been doing a lot of (over)thinking about those days, and simply can't stop thinking about all the things they said. Like, every day, it has been bothering me.

Before you say anything, I am not attracted to men physically, sexually or emotionally. I am only attracted to women. Not homophobic in the slightest, but I find women to be beautiful and envisage being in relationships with women only. I know I am definitely straight. 100%.

However, lately, because of looking back at past and unpleasant memories, it has consumed my head and heard all their voices tormenting me. It has even got to the point where I am having conversations with myself to calm down, and tell myself repeatedly that I am not gay, which is bizarre because I have never done that before - never needed to!

So, need to hear the truth... Am I overthinking? Paranoid? Or is it something else? If I am not gay, what's happening? And how do I stop this tormenting in my head?
 
Talina

Talina

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 14, 2020
Messages
653
Location
Sweden
A bit off topic: You got a really good taste of movies, myself is a big sci-fi lover and a big hobby of mine is to watch movies. So you have a great hobby ☺

I think what you experienced might left you with a trauma. It can help seeking professional help to have a place to talk out and try to work with what you have experienced. Sometimes things from the past come back haunting us again.

Myself get periods when things from the past will mostly occupy my head and everything become vivid again. I perfectly understand the part never being asked out, the shy introvert kid and getting rumors spread in the whole school.

I think being lonely and isolated make it easier for things from the past to come back again. Because they have always been a insecurities/traumas we carry at the back of our mind.
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
1,385
Location
nowhere
Do not care what others think. Those guy's opinions meant nothing. ...they are losers who have to bring others down to raise themselves up.

Try to raise your self esteem up. This will make the memories of them turn into dust. You will see them for what they were.
You are giving them power by thinking of their taunts and by needing to confirm who you are.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,589
Too much time spent alone, is too much time to indulge and drown in negative thinking... It's great you have reached out/connected to the Forum. Hope you are feeling better and more focussed on the here and now :)
 
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