Crisis Hotlines don't help me

[Rosecolouredboy]

Every time I call one I just seem to feel worse. That is, if they even respond. I'm usually on hold for so long that I give up.
I just feel hopeless. Someone reported me to insta bc they were scared I would harm myself. I am tired and I feel like there's no place to go for help.
I can't go to hospital and risk exposing my family to the coronavirus.
I just wish there was some way to stop hurting.

 

[Leo Ghost]

The hotlines are probably so busy at a time like this and idk much about the people who handle the calls but they might not be the most fit to communicate properly because they're dealing with a lot of situations so you being here is a good thing. I'm confident that you'll find people who will understand you and might be able to help you.
What kinda problems are you having?!

 

[Rosecolouredboy]

The hotlines are probably so busy at a time like this and idk much about the people who handle the calls but they might not be the most fit to communicate properly because they're dealing with a lot of situations so you being here is a good thing. I'm confident that you'll find people who will understand you and might be able to help you.
What kinda problems are you having?!

I understand that they're busy rn but it's happened every time I've used them for the past 5+ years. It's really hard to sit on hold when you're like 2 seconds away from downing a bottle of pills.
My body issues, dysphoria, and depression are all unbearable and I can't find anyone to comfort or help me because no one understands the intersections of these things and how they affect each other. I have had treatment resistant depression, ptsd/cptsd and eating disorders since I was 11 yrs old and it seems to be more unbearable with each passing year.
I don't know if I will make it to my birthday this year.

 

[Leo Ghost]

You gotta be optimistic and always have hope. I promise that talking to people on this forum will help you. But most of the help gotta start with you. When you find that one thing or that one person that inspires to keep fighting it'll be a lot easier and you'll start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. What kind of hobbies do like to do or what does your day usually looks like??

 

[Rosecolouredboy]

You gotta be optimistic and always have hope. I promise that talking to people on this forum will help you. But most of the help gotta start with you. When you find that one thing or that one person that inspires to keep fighting it'll be a lot easier and you'll start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. What kind of hobbies do like to do or what does your day usually looks like??

I have been holding on to "that on thing" for years and fighting and I don't want life to be a battle anymore.
I have been having sleeping problems and because of covid I spend most of the day inside unless I decided to go for a walk but I don't even do that anymore because all the parks are closed.
I sleep for most of the day and spend the rest of the day watching netflix/YouTube or playing animal crossing. I paint and draw sometimes and I sing a lot during the day too. Sometimes I dance or lift the tiny weights we have at home. I eat like shit tbh. I cuddle my pets and lie in bed a lot. Sleeping is my favourite thing to do.
I know it sounds pathetic lol.

 

[Dispatch]

I agree with leo here ... what makes you smile ... art , music maybe ... pictures of kittens .... now, who doesn’t smile at kittens ... am I right? ... you’re smiling right now aren’t you ... well there ya go, easy right ? lol ... well my point is to try (and believe me I know how easier said than done) but try to occupy your mind with something that makes you smile , a better outlook usually follows ... I know, I know ... all this optimism, I can’t stand it. ... sorry , I’m just in an optimistic mood today

 

[Rosecolouredboy]

I agree with leo here ... what makes you smile ... art , music maybe ... pictures of kittens .... now, who doesn’t smile at kittens ... am I right? ... you’re smiling right now aren’t you ... well there ya go, easy right ? lol ... well my point is to try (and believe me I know how easier said than done) but try to occupy your mind with something that makes you smile , a better outlook usually follows ... I know, I know ... all this optimism, I can’t stand it. ... sorry , I’m just in an optimistic mood today

I'm just tired of trying and I want it to be over now. Looking at cute pictures doesn't make me less suicidal.

 

[Leo Ghost]

No the opposite actually. Your more interesting than you think and i'm not just saying that to make you feel better it's the truth. like.. you do more interesting things than most people do and i wish i had a pet. One of the things that helps me to get through life is to analyse and understand why i feel the way i feel like for example doing the same things everyday for a while drives you crazy. Everybody knows that. That's why i like to change and explore new things to refresh my mind. What kind of pet do you have?

 

[Rosecolouredboy]

No the opposite actually. Your more interesting than you think and i'm not just saying that to make you feel better it's the truth. like.. you do more interesting things than most people do and i wish i had a pet. One of the things that helps me to get through life is to analyse and understand why i feel the way i feel like for example doing the same things everyday for a while drives you crazy. Everybody knows that. That's why i like to change and explore new things to refresh my mind. What kind of pet do you have?

I analyze a lot too. I call it "overthinking" and it can be helpful ot harmful depending on the situation. I tend to obsess about people and events I think. Lol thank you for thinking I'm interesting. I developed most of my hobbies because I didn't have friends when I was younger and was too shy so I learned how to do things I could do alone. I have friends now though.
I started learning to watercolour paint to try and do something new.
I have two cats and a dog. One of my cats is very attached to me and rarely leaves my side. She is one of the reasons I can't kill myself yet...

 

[Leo Ghost]

Forget the yet. You should always think about the people who loves you. Trust me a lot of people would give anything to be where you are. You have to appreciate the little things everyday. Learn about the things that make life so magical and wonderful. For me right now i don't have a single person that i could call my best friend. My social skills suck in the real world but i still think of all the potential that i have in life. Is ok to ask for pictures for your pits please!!

 

[Leo Ghost]

Also if you want someone to talk to whenever you want i'll be here everyday.

 

[Catty5]

Hello

I called crisis hotlines a lot even if I know there won’t be much help since they are just trained volunteers before when my condition was much worse than now.
It helped me to vent my emotions a little bit. that’s all.
What makes you feel so helpless or hopeless right now ?

 

[Rosecolouredboy]

Forget the yet. You should always think about the people who loves you. Trust me a lot of people would give anything to be where you are. You have to appreciate the little things everyday. Learn about the things that make life so magical and wonderful. For me right now i don't have a single person that i could call my best friend. My social skills suck in the real world but i still think of all the potential that i have in life. Is ok to ask for pictures for your pits please!!

I don't really think life is magical or wonderful for some people for some people like me you try to see the good but you just suffer every day anyway. Thinking about people who have it worse for me just makes me feel selfish and like I don't deserve the life I have. Most of the time I feel like I deserve to suffer anyway.

 

[Rosecolouredboy]

Hello

I called crisis hotlines a lot even if I know there won’t be much help since they are just trained volunteers before when my condition was much worse than now.
It helped me to vent my emotions a little bit. that’s all.
What makes you feel so helpless or hopeless right now ?

I feel hopeless because I have tried so many treatment options and I have never felt any better and I am feeling worse every year. My body issues will always be here because I am trans and really feminine looking and very short so i will never pass as a man or at least I won't be taken seriously or respected as one. I also always seem to be chubby/fat no matter how much I diet or exercise. Even when I was 30 pounds lighter I still had a belly. I feel like I am a bad and toxic person and I don't deserve anything in life.

 

[Catty5]

I responded to your other thread too. I support you guys. How long have you been on the hormone?