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Crippling Avolition

S

SadCanadian999

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
I’ve written about avolition on here before but it’s getting worse. I’m at the point where I do NOTHING all day including not eating unless it’s something that requires no cooking or preparation. I’m down to showering every 5 days because my self-neglect is out of control. It’s almost as if I’ve become paranoid to take action on anything because I’m so fearful of doing something that could land me back in the hospital. I’m so scarred from my last hospital stay that I would rather live as small as possible than take action. I used to love to cook and now I hate it. My husband is starving. I feel like the worst wife. But it doesn’t change anything. It’s like I accept the shame. This can’t be okay. Do other people have avolition this bad?
 
Passionflower

Passionflower

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2011
Messages
1,480
Location
UK
I am the same. My cpn says it's down to schizophrenia, but I increasingly believe it's the meds, specifically antipsychotics.
 
S

SadCanadian999

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
I am the same. My cpn says it's down to schizophrenia, but I increasingly believe it's the meds, specifically antipsychotics.
What medication are you on if you don’t mind me asking? My meds (InVega) were reduced in response to my complaints about side effects, but the avolition continued to worsen. I feel the burden of having household chores pile up on me, food spoiling in the fridge, my hair looking brittle and unkept, yet NOTHING jolts me into action. Can you tell me a little more about your battle?
 
Passionflower

Passionflower

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2011
Messages
1,480
Location
UK
I am on aripiprazole and flupentixol injection. I sit and watch tv all day. My friend does all the housework and cooking. I shower only every 10 days although I do wash my hair every other day which is something I suppose. I need a bomb underneath me to get me moving, but as that isn't going to happen, I will just sit here and fester!!
 
Schitzoaffective007

Schitzoaffective007

Member
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
10
Location
St. Augustine, FL.
I was taking invega shots and thought my lack of motivation was because of the meds. Before the meds I was delusional but outgoing. After 6 months on the shot I gained 40 lbs and all I could do was lay there with my eyes closed all day. I'm off the shot and being sedated is slowly fading away but very slowly. I go to the Veterans Administration, and all they care about is if I have a job or not. They are pushing me to work but I don't feel like it right now because of avolition, lack of motivation, whatever you want to call it. I hate doing everything but laying down and avoiding the outside world. I still see friends about 3 times a week but i don't feel like working. I have a job interview tomorrow. The job is dishwasher part time. I don't have the willpower to do anything more. I don't even want to do that. I need to get social security. I feel terrible, I wake up in dispare, I don't even want to make myself something to eat. My doctor's don't understand what it's like. I think they think I'm lazy or just exaggerating symptoms because when I say I can't work like this they tell me to go get a temp job. My doctor even said "well sometimes I don't feel like doing things but I get up and do them because if I don't they won't get done," She clearly doesn't understand how bad avolition on top of depression is. I don't want to face the day at all. I wake up irritated that the next day has arrived. But I'm going to a job interview tomorrow to make everyone happy. I don't want to do it feeling this way but I guess Ill have to try. I really want social security instead because being forced to do things I don't want to do is torture. Doctor's don't understand and will not reccomend me for social security because I just finished school. The thing is, it took me 7 years and I aquired schitzoaffective disorder towards the end of school. Then it took me a year to finish two classes. I had a serious psychotic break which I'll talk about later. Doctor's have still labeled me high functioning but don't understand how bad some of my negative symptoms are.
 
S

SadCanadian999

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
I was taking invega shots and thought my lack of motivation was because of the meds. Before the meds I was delusional but outgoing. After 6 months on the shot I gained 40 lbs and all I could do was lay there with my eyes closed all day. I'm off the shot and being sedated is slowly fading away but very slowly. I go to the Veterans Administration, and all they care about is if I have a job or not. They are pushing me to work but I don't feel like it right now because of avolition, lack of motivation, whatever you want to call it. I hate doing everything but laying down and avoiding the outside world. I still see friends about 3 times a week but i don't feel like working. I have a job interview tomorrow. The job is dishwasher part time. I don't have the willpower to do anything more. I don't even want to do that. I need to get social security. I feel terrible, I wake up in dispare, I don't even want to make myself something to eat. My doctor's don't understand what it's like. I think they think I'm lazy or just exaggerating symptoms because when I say I can't work like this they tell me to go get a temp job. My doctor even said "well sometimes I don't feel like doing things but I get up and do them because if I don't they won't get done," She clearly doesn't understand how bad avolition on top of depression is. I don't want to face the day at all. I wake up irritated that the next day has arrived. But I'm going to a job interview tomorrow to make everyone happy. I don't want to do it feeling this way but I guess Ill have to try. I really want social security instead because being forced to do things I don't want to do is torture. Doctor's don't understand and will not reccomend me for social security because I just finished school. The thing is, it took me 7 years and I aquired schitzoaffective disorder towards the end of school. Then it took me a year to finish two classes. I had a serious psychotic break which I'll talk about later. Doctor's have still labeled me high functioning but don't understand how bad some of my negative symptoms are.
Thank you for taking the time to elaborate. I can totally, totally relate to what you said. My doctors definitely don’t understand when I try to tell them how bad things are. If I didn’t have my husband, my house would fall apart. I don’t even know how I’m managing to eat something everyday. I’ve completely given up cooking for us. But yet I gained a ton of weight also. My self image is in the toilet. It’s deplorable. My guilt is overwhelming because it’s a lot to put on my husband. I describe it as action paralysis. Good luck with your job interview even though I know you wish you didn’t have to work. I sometimes think about getting a job or even doing volunteer work. But the keyword is “think”. I wish there was a medication that worked for negative symptoms. A magic potion that would restore the spark that makes me want to live life more fully.
 
Schitzoaffective007

Schitzoaffective007

Member
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
10
Location
St. Augustine, FL.
Adderall makes things a bit better, but eventually you get used to it and it doesn't work. Also I think antipsychotics reduce the effects. When I was off antipsychotics the Adderall all but cured my depression. Do you get social security benefits? Plan on applying? Do you take any medications for schitzoaffective disorder? If you didn't have your husband you would be in trouble, and if I didn't have a V.A. check I would be homeless. I don't think family would take me in, but I'm not sure. My mother claims to "need her own space," I also got an inheritance from my grandad which makes me able to have my own home. I rent a room out for extra money. This condition is so sad. I cry for myself a lot. I can't believe my life is turning out this way. I fear for my future, have no confidence in myself anymore, and struggle to do everything. I don't know when my breaking point will be...when I will just give up trying to work. I'll eventually file for social security when I get older but for now I think I need more proof I can't work to build a case. I'll have to embarrass myself and quit a few jobs first. I'll try not to fail but I just don't know how long I can take working. Social security will just use the fact that I just graduated to deny me benefits, even though it took me 7 years to graduate, and I crawled across the finish line. They would probably age descriminate too...im 39.

Responsibility and meeting deadlines makes me depressed and anxious. So much resistance to everything. I just want to sit around all day and not have pressure on me. At night time, or after 5 pm things seem to get better for some reason but by then the day is over. I sleep from about 12am or 1 am to 11:00 am. I don't do mornings. When i get up, I just don't want to face the day, and days just fly by. That and there's a world of things to do...but it seems I'm not creative or motivated enough to grasp that and take action. At home is the only place I don't feel anxious or irritable, but worrying about my future creates anxiety. I get stressed over responsibility...and that makes life miserable because life is full of it. Financial stress is part of that. I feel I'm eventually going to become poor and not be able to travel and afford things like I used to. I feel like I'm in prison staring out a window where there is beauty outside but I just can't reach it. Even when I go out, I don't get much pleasure. My favorite times are visiting friends and just talking. I hate being alone. I have no girlfriend and my social skills and weight gain have made me just give up on meeting women. I feel so defective. I came down with this disorder my last year in college...now I'm applying for part time dishwasher jobs. I graduated from a top 40 business school. Try explaining that to an employer. I had my job interview today. It went well but I'd have to park 10 minutes away or pay $3 a day. They don't have parking. That and the job is just way below what I was trained to do at school. I'm having a hard time accepting my disability. But there are no part time business jobs, and they all seem so high stress. Just thinking about working a 40 hour work week scares me. Just thinking about waking up from 6 am to 8 am makes me miserable. I also have sleep problems. I take Mirtazapine (Remeron) about 4 nights a week. I'll talk about the psychotic episode that led to my diagnosis next post. I went off invega two months ago and so far no delusions or hallucinations. That medicine made me super tired. I can't see how anyone can take it. I guess everyone is different. It's hard to tell negative symptoms of schitzoaffective disorder from the side effects of invega. Things seem to be a little better now that I'm off invega.
 
L

linus

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 27, 2019
Messages
958
Location
Eastern Europe
What you describe seems to be more related to depression combined with anxiety (the worrying part), maybe for these you could try some therapy (with a psychologist) instead of trying more meds.
 
S

SadCanadian999

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
Adderall makes things a bit better, but eventually you get used to it and it doesn't work. Also I think antipsychotics reduce the effects. When I was off antipsychotics the Adderall all but cured my depression. Do you get social security benefits? Plan on applying? Do you take any medications for schitzoaffective disorder? If you didn't have your husband you would be in trouble, and if I didn't have a V.A. check I would be homeless. I don't think family would take me in, but I'm not sure. My mother claims to "need her own space," I also got an inheritance from my grandad which makes me able to have my own home. I rent a room out for extra money. This condition is so sad. I cry for myself a lot. I can't believe my life is turning out this way. I fear for my future, have no confidence in myself anymore, and struggle to do everything. I don't know when my breaking point will be...when I will just give up trying to work. I'll eventually file for social security when I get older but for now I think I need more proof I can't work to build a case. I'll have to embarrass myself and quit a few jobs first. I'll try not to fail but I just don't know how long I can take working. Social security will just use the fact that I just graduated to deny me benefits, even though it took me 7 years to graduate, and I crawled across the finish line. They would probably age descriminate too...im 39.

Responsibility and meeting deadlines makes me depressed and anxious. So much resistance to everything. I just want to sit around all day and not have pressure on me. At night time, or after 5 pm things seem to get better for some reason but by then the day is over. I sleep from about 12am or 1 am to 11:00 am. I don't do mornings. When i get up, I just don't want to face the day, and days just fly by. That and there's a world of things to do...but it seems I'm not creative or motivated enough to grasp that and take action. At home is the only place I don't feel anxious or irritable, but worrying about my future creates anxiety. I get stressed over responsibility...and that makes life miserable because life is full of it. Financial stress is part of that. I feel I'm eventually going to become poor and not be able to travel and afford things like I used to. I feel like I'm in prison staring out a window where there is beauty outside but I just can't reach it. Even when I go out, I don't get much pleasure. My favorite times are visiting friends and just talking. I hate being alone. I have no girlfriend and my social skills and weight gain have made me just give up on meeting women. I feel so defective. I came down with this disorder my last year in college...now I'm applying for part time dishwasher jobs. I graduated from a top 40 business school. Try explaining that to an employer. I had my job interview today. It went well but I'd have to park 10 minutes away or pay $3 a day. They don't have parking. That and the job is just way below what I was trained to do at school. I'm having a hard time accepting my disability. But there are no part time business jobs, and they all seem so high stress. Just thinking about working a 40 hour work week scares me. Just thinking about waking up from 6 am to 8 am makes me miserable. I also have sleep problems. I take Mirtazapine (Remeron) about 4 nights a week. I'll talk about the psychotic episode that led to my diagnosis next post. I went off invega two months ago and so far no delusions or hallucinations. That medicine made me super tired. I can't see how anyone can take it. I guess everyone is different. It's hard to tell negative symptoms of schitzoaffective disorder from the side effects of invega. Things seem to be a little better now that I'm off invega.
I’m in Canada, so we call social security “welfare” and no I’m not on it although I used to be. My husband’s income makes me ineligible although he’s an entrepreneur with a feast or famine type of income. I qualified for a program that helps to cover the cost of my medication. InVega is the only medication I’m on but damn it’s expensive! All of my negative symptoms and my weight gain happened once I was put on InVega. Before that, I was delusional but very outgoing also. InVega has blunted me. I too have a hard time figuring out what is caused by schizoaffective disorder and what is caused by the medication. My inactivity is causing my body to start to break down. I’m 44, but feel like I’m 60. I have pain in my body from lack of working out like I used to. A course of Epival I was on more than 7 months ago caused my beautiful hair to thin and change texture, so I don’t even look like myself anymore. I also experience brain fog, brain pain and brain numbness. I have restless leg syndrome. People who don’t have a CHRONIC illness could never understand how debilitating living with schizoaffective or schizophrenia is. It affects every part of my life. I have normally had a very satisfying sex life my entire adult life, but now while being on InVega that has gone away. I used to have a satisfying career making six figures, now I can’t even sort my own mail properly. There’s something wrong with my internal rewards centre. So I can’t perform any goal directed tasks. I really and truly empathize with everything you said. Oh, I forgot to talk about the weight gain. I have developed this potbelly that makes me so uncomfortable. My gait has changed to accommodate it, and sleeping positions at night are limited. As I said, schizoaffective disorder has impacted every area of my life in a negative way, and I don’t feel like my doctors hear or understand me. They are so dismissive when I try to talk about what’s happening with me. I should be on an antidepressant too, but my doctor is weird.
 
S

SadCanadian999

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
What you describe seems to be more related to depression combined with anxiety (the worrying part), maybe for these you could try some therapy (with a psychologist) instead of trying more meds.
I’ve definitely thought that it could be depression with anxiety. Therapy costs big money and I don’t have health insurance. I’ll have to talk to my doctor about what my options are.
 
N

Nate

Active member
Joined
Oct 20, 2019
Messages
31
Location
Augusta, Maine
I’ve written about avolition on here before but it’s getting worse. I’m at the point where I do NOTHING all day including not eating unless it’s something that requires no cooking or preparation. I’m down to showering every 5 days because my self-neglect is out of control. It’s almost as if I’ve become paranoid to take action on anything because I’m so fearful of doing something that could land me back in the hospital. I’m so scarred from my last hospital stay that I would rather live as small as possible than take action. I used to love to cook and now I hate it. My husband is starving. I feel like the worst wife. But it doesn’t change anything. It’s like I accept the shame. This can’t be okay. Do other people have avolition this bad?
Sounds like you are having negative symptoms. I also experience negative symptoms like apathy, no drive to do anything, can't even read or complete any task. Hope you can break free from these symptoms. Good luck.
 
Schitzoaffective007

Schitzoaffective007

Member
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
10
Location
St. Augustine, FL.
What landed me in the hospital with schitzoaffective disorder was extreme paranoid psychosis and delusions that lasted for 8 months to a year. First I thought some friends wanted to hurt me or killed me. Most of what anyone said conversation wise I interpreted as a veiled threat. I also thought my teachers at school were out to get me...or there was an organized plot going on behind my back. Then I lashed out at some friends in a violent manner one night, and began to think they had tapped my phone. Lots of this might have been straight hallucinations but I couldn't tell you if it was real or not. Then I fled the state, and I thought my vehicle was bugged, and thought at one point I was being surveiled by arial planes or drones. When I got down to Florida, I dyed my hair to hide my appearance a bit better, and began to relax a bit. My plan was to stay there for the summer then go back to school. Then I started to have serious delusions of reference. A lady out by the public pool had a conversation with me. She said that she almost went into the CIA before, and that they look for certain personality types. I took that as a coded message from her that the CIA was interested in me for some reason. Not soon after that I came to believe that I had some tracking device in my body because of a shot that I had gotten weeks earlier. I went into town one night, went to the bar, and was talking to some girl. I asked her if she was going to work after college and she said she needed a car first. I took this as a message from CIA to sell my car. Remember, I thought it might be bugged with someone tracking me. I bought a new car. I kept calling police over to my house reporting suspicious incidences. The cop asked me if I was leaving tomorrow and I took this as a que that the CIA wanted me to go somewhere else. By this time I began to think I was being recruited by the CIA. I traded in my car for another one and drove hundreds of miles down to the Florida Keys. The passenger airbag light was going on and off and I began to think it was guiding me. I eventually ended up at some military base down there. I had no idea it existed before. Ques in my environment, things people said, and visual stimulus made me believe that they wanted me to break onto the base as part of some training. I swam onto the base (part of it had a beach.) I left the car I had bought forever. I hid in a sandbox for days. I finally came out of the box and said enough is enough. The fire department came and they handcuffed me and they all started putting rubber gloves on and I thought they were going to execute me. Some guy ran up and stuck a needle in my arm and shot me full of something that put me out in 10 seconds. I really thought I was dead...I faced death. I woke up in a small hospital. Next thing you know I'm in a wheelchair outside the hospital with a busroute map in my hand. An airport was on the map. I thought the CIA wanted me to fly to Germany because of something my lawyer had said days before..some delusion of reference that I had. I got on a plane and the man who sat next to me took me to a hotel when we arrived in Germany. He told me to stay there for two weeks. After two weeks was up, I spent two months walking around the same German town following what I thought were directional instructions. I was supposed to find someone or accomplish something. Long story short, I tried breaking onto military intelligence bases for two months. I had no previous knowledge that these bases existed. To this day that confuses me. My daily routine was to get up at six and walk till I was told to through some hint from someone in the environment. This was usually around 4pm but not always. I probably walked 600 + miles in two months. I finally became exhausted and returned home to Georgia. I let the CIA know I was finished with their never ending game. It still took me another 8 months or so to believe this experience wasn't real. But today I know nothing was real. I don't understand how I ended up in some of the places that I did but I still know it was all a dream. This experience broke me financially. I had a good bit of money and a nice car before going psychotic... when I got back from Germany I only had 1/3rd of what I had before. My family had no idea where I was and thought I might be dead. This ordeal was intense and lasted about a year. My family finally hospitalized me when I continued to be paranoid and put extra locks on all the outside doors. At that point I thought the TV, newspaper, and magazines were delivering coded messages to me. I escaped from the mental hospital my family put me in, the cops got me. I was eventually taken to a Veterans Administration hospital. They told me if I didn't take invega, they would keep me there for 4 months. I took the shot. I think the invega helped with positive symptoms but had too many side effects. Now negative symptoms wreak havok on me. I'm not on antipsychotics anymore and just have to hope positive symptoms don't return.
 
S

SadCanadian999

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
What landed me in the hospital with schitzoaffective disorder was extreme paranoid psychosis and delusions that lasted for 8 months to a year. First I thought some friends wanted to hurt me or killed me. Most of what anyone said conversation wise I interpreted as a veiled threat. I also thought my teachers at school were out to get me...or there was an organized plot going on behind my back. Then I lashed out at some friends in a violent manner one night, and began to think they had tapped my phone. Lots of this might have been straight hallucinations but I couldn't tell you if it was real or not. Then I fled the state, and I thought my vehicle was bugged, and thought at one point I was being surveiled by arial planes or drones. When I got down to Florida, I dyed my hair to hide my appearance a bit better, and began to relax a bit. My plan was to stay there for the summer then go back to school. Then I started to have serious delusions of reference. A lady out by the public pool had a conversation with me. She said that she almost went into the CIA before, and that they look for certain personality types. I took that as a coded message from her that the CIA was interested in me for some reason. Not soon after that I came to believe that I had some tracking device in my body because of a shot that I had gotten weeks earlier. I went into town one night, went to the bar, and was talking to some girl. I asked her if she was going to work after college and she said she needed a car first. I took this as a message from CIA to sell my car. Remember, I thought it might be bugged with someone tracking me. I bought a new car. I kept calling police over to my house reporting suspicious incidences. The cop asked me if I was leaving tomorrow and I took this as a que that the CIA wanted me to go somewhere else. By this time I began to think I was being recruited by the CIA. I traded in my car for another one and drove hundreds of miles down to the Florida Keys. The passenger airbag light was going on and off and I began to think it was guiding me. I eventually ended up at some military base down there. I had no idea it existed before. Ques in my environment, things people said, and visual stimulus made me believe that they wanted me to break onto the base as part of some training. I swam onto the base (part of it had a beach.) I left the car I had bought forever. I hid in a sandbox for days. I finally came out of the box and said enough is enough. The fire department came and they handcuffed me and they all started putting rubber gloves on and I thought they were going to execute me. Some guy ran up and stuck a needle in my arm and shot me full of something that put me out in 10 seconds. I really thought I was dead...I faced death. I woke up in a small hospital. Next thing you know I'm in a wheelchair outside the hospital with a busroute map in my hand. An airport was on the map. I thought the CIA wanted me to fly to Germany because of something my lawyer had said days before..some delusion of reference that I had. I got on a plane and the man who sat next to me took me to a hotel when we arrived in Germany. He told me to stay there for two weeks. After two weeks was up, I spent two months walking around the same German town following what I thought were directional instructions. I was supposed to find someone or accomplish something. Long story short, I tried breaking onto military intelligence bases for two months. I had no previous knowledge that these bases existed. To this day that confuses me. My daily routine was to get up at six and walk till I was told to through some hint from someone in the environment. This was usually around 4pm but not always. I probably walked 600 + miles in two months. I finally became exhausted and returned home to Georgia. I let the CIA know I was finished with their never ending game. It still took me another 8 months or so to believe this experience wasn't real. But today I know nothing was real. I don't understand how I ended up in some of the places that I did but I still know it was all a dream. This experience broke me financially. I had a good bit of money and a nice car before going psychotic... when I got back from Germany I only had 1/3rd of what I had before. My family had no idea where I was and thought I might be dead. This ordeal was intense and lasted about a year. My family finally hospitalized me when I continued to be paranoid and put extra locks on all the outside doors. At that point I thought the TV, newspaper, and magazines were delivering coded messages to me. I escaped from the mental hospital my family put me in, the cops got me. I was eventually taken to a Veterans Administration hospital. They told me if I didn't take invega, they would keep me there for 4 months. I took the shot. I think the invega helped with positive symptoms but had too many side effects. Now negative symptoms wreak havok on me. I'm not on antipsychotics anymore and just have to hope positive symptoms don't return.
Why do we all have similar delusions (such as gov’t trying to recruit us or being surveilled by dro
What landed me in the hospital with schitzoaffective disorder was extreme paranoid psychosis and delusions that lasted for 8 months to a year. First I thought some friends wanted to hurt me or killed me. Most of what anyone said conversation wise I interpreted as a veiled threat. I also thought my teachers at school were out to get me...or there was an organized plot going on behind my back. Then I lashed out at some friends in a violent manner one night, and began to think they had tapped my phone. Lots of this might have been straight hallucinations but I couldn't tell you if it was real or not. Then I fled the state, and I thought my vehicle was bugged, and thought at one point I was being surveiled by arial planes or drones. When I got down to Florida, I dyed my hair to hide my appearance a bit better, and began to relax a bit. My plan was to stay there for the summer then go back to school. Then I started to have serious delusions of reference. A lady out by the public pool had a conversation with me. She said that she almost went into the CIA before, and that they look for certain personality types. I took that as a coded message from her that the CIA was interested in me for some reason. Not soon after that I came to believe that I had some tracking device in my body because of a shot that I had gotten weeks earlier. I went into town one night, went to the bar, and was talking to some girl. I asked her if she was going to work after college and she said she needed a car first. I took this as a message from CIA to sell my car. Remember, I thought it might be bugged with someone tracking me. I bought a new car. I kept calling police over to my house reporting suspicious incidences. The cop asked me if I was leaving tomorrow and I took this as a que that the CIA wanted me to go somewhere else. By this time I began to think I was being recruited by the CIA. I traded in my car for another one and drove hundreds of miles down to the Florida Keys. The passenger airbag light was going on and off and I began to think it was guiding me. I eventually ended up at some military base down there. I had no idea it existed before. Ques in my environment, things people said, and visual stimulus made me believe that they wanted me to break onto the base as part of some training. I swam onto the base (part of it had a beach.) I left the car I had bought forever. I hid in a sandbox for days. I finally came out of the box and said enough is enough. The fire department came and they handcuffed me and they all started putting rubber gloves on and I thought they were going to execute me. Some guy ran up and stuck a needle in my arm and shot me full of something that put me out in 10 seconds. I really thought I was dead...I faced death. I woke up in a small hospital. Next thing you know I'm in a wheelchair outside the hospital with a busroute map in my hand. An airport was on the map. I thought the CIA wanted me to fly to Germany because of something my lawyer had said days before..some delusion of reference that I had. I got on a plane and the man who sat next to me took me to a hotel when we arrived in Germany. He told me to stay there for two weeks. After two weeks was up, I spent two months walking around the same German town following what I thought were directional instructions. I was supposed to find someone or accomplish something. Long story short, I tried breaking onto military intelligence bases for two months. I had no previous knowledge that these bases existed. To this day that confuses me. My daily routine was to get up at six and walk till I was told to through some hint from someone in the environment. This was usually around 4pm but not always. I probably walked 600 + miles in two months. I finally became exhausted and returned home to Georgia. I let the CIA know I was finished with their never ending game. It still took me another 8 months or so to believe this experience wasn't real. But today I know nothing was real. I don't understand how I ended up in some of the places that I did but I still know it was all a dream. This experience broke me financially. I had a good bit of money and a nice car before going psychotic... when I got back from Germany I only had 1/3rd of what I had before. My family had no idea where I was and thought I might be dead. This ordeal was intense and lasted about a year. My family finally hospitalized me when I continued to be paranoid and put extra locks on all the outside doors. At that point I thought the TV, newspaper, and magazines were delivering coded messages to me. I escaped from the mental hospital my family put me in, the cops got me. I was eventually taken to a Veterans Administration hospital. They told me if I didn't take invega, they would keep me there for 4 months. I took the shot. I think the invega helped with positive symptoms but had too many side effects. Now negative symptoms wreak havok on me. I'm not on antipsychotics anymore and just have to hope positive symptoms don't return.
wow! I can’t believe you went through all of that. How frightening! I’m glad you weren’t seriously hurt or injured while acting out your delusions. It’s funny how we all have similar delusions as far as being recruited by the gov’t or being surveilled by drones (I had that too). I believed I was Jesus Christ reincarnated and that I was also the Virgin Mary pregnant with the Golden Child. Things got really out of hand when I believed I was God. I said and did a lot of embarrassing things, but after reading your story, mine doesn’t seem as extreme. You flew to Germany! I do hope you’re feeling less delusional now that you’re on meds. I think to have true empathy for someone else in our situation, you really have to have gone through something yourself. Life was so exciting then. And now it’s boring. The boredom is a killer. I guess this is where gratitude comes in. Better to be bored and non-delusional than to be jetsetting filled with false beliefs (squandering money). Thanks for sharing your story!
 
Schitzoaffective007

Schitzoaffective007

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St. Augustine, FL.
I'm not taking antipsychotics anymore. Invega made me super tired to the point to where I would wake up late, make me and the dog something to eat, maybe sit up for an hour at most, then just lay in bed with my eyes closed for the rest of the day. One of the side effects is extreme tiredness and of course weight gain. It all went to my stomach. The doctor prescribed me Abilify but I told her I didn't want to take it. It's been two months since I've taken any antipsychotics and still no delusions. I have to keep an eye out.

Yes boredom can be the worst. I'm still laying around most of the day but not near as bad as on Invega. When I'm laying there I'm thinking about the next time I'm going to have to use the bathroom or when I'm going to get hungry and have to get up. Everything seems like a pain in the ass to do. I also lay there and worry if my life is always going to be like this or what life will throw at me next that I can't deal with or have to force myself to deal with. It helps to have at least four friends that you can go visit every other day, or every day if possible. I only have about three friends, all are over 60 and I'm 39. I don't really make new friends. It's by chance if I do. Having a dog also helps because it gives me a reason to get up in the morning and get out of the house to walk him. He's also company. I wish I had a girlfriend but who would want me is how I look at it.

Maybe my delusions would have been religion based if I believed in God, but I believe in science. I used to believe in God but figured there wasn't one when I got no help with my mental health problems. Only science helped.

I was looking for jobs but that came to a halt the other day when I came down with virtigo. That's being dizzy all the time. I've been dizzy for four days and it's driving me insane. Tuesday, my doctor is going to order hearing tests to be done...but I don't know how long it's gonna take. I'm going to call them Tuesday and tell them I can't take it anymore or can I go to the ER because I feel like hurting myself it's so bad. It feels like the world is moving ever so slightly, sometimes worse, and my balance is bad. I probably shouldn't be driving... but I'm dealing with the Veterans Administration so I'll probably have to drive an hour away to get tests done. The VA is notorious at taking too long to do things...but with this they have to hurry. It's driving me crazy and I can do even less with virtigo on top of schitzoaffective disorder and PTSD. There's a job right down the street from me that I need to be applying for but I don't think I want to work dizzy. But I'm on a time crunch because they could hire someone else while I'm screwing around waiting to get fixed. Im stressed out. Life is not good lately.
 
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